Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

How to Discipline Kids with This Peaceful Strategy

To Discipline Kids with PEACE is Priceless!

To discipline kids with PEACE takes a little practice. Our expert parenting author and coach, Kathy Slattengren, will show you how. She is borrowing this strategy from  expert, Becky Bailey ,because parents everywhere deserve to know about it. Let's find out what it is and 2 examples from Kathy on how to use it.

Helping Children Solve Their Own Problems

When children come to us with a problem, it can be tempting to just solve the problem for them.  However, if we want them to learn to solve similar problems in the future, it is better to guide them through finding a solution.

In her book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Becky Bailey describes a process to help children solve their own problems[i].  She uses the acronym PEACE to make the steps easier to remember:

1. Discern who owns the Problem.  

2. Offer Empathy to the child.   

3. Ask the child to think, “What do you think you are going to do?”

4. Offer Choices and suggestions.  

5. Encourage the child to come up with his own solution."

The Little Sister Problem Using PEACE:

"Let’s look at an example of using this process. Suppose 4-year-old Ben runs to us crying because his 2-year-old sister Anna has knocked down his block structure.  Here’s how it might go:

1. We realize this is Ben’s problem.

2. We show empathy by hugging Ben and saying “I can see you’re really sad.  I know how hard you worked on building that.”
 

3. We ask Ben “What do you think you are going to do?”

4. Ben comes up with one idea; he wants to hit his sister.  We quickly ask what is likely to happen if he does that!  He decides not to do this but doesn’t know what else to do.  We offer the idea that he could build with the blocks in his room with the door shut.  Ben rejects this idea because he wants to build in the living room.  We suggest he could build when Anna is napping.  Ben also rejects this idea. 

5. We say “I’m sure you’ll find a good solution.”  We’ve given him a couple ideas and we are leaving him with the responsibility for coming up with his own solution." 

The Homework Problem Using PEACE:

"Here’s one more example of using this process.  This time let’s pretend our 10-year-old daughter comes to us upset because she’s forgotten her math assignment at school and it’s due tomorrow. 

Here’s how we might handle it:

1. We remember this is our daughter’s problem since it’s her homework.

2. We show empathy by saying “I can understand why you are upset.”

3. We ask her “What do you think you are going to do?”

4. She’s thought about going back to school to get it but she knows the teacher is
already gone and the classroom door is locked. She doesn’t know what else to do. We suggest calling a classmate to see if she can get a copy of the homework.  When we ask her how this might work out, she replies that she’s going to try giving
Sara a call.

5. We say “Great!  I hope she can give you a copy of the homework
or read off the problems to you.” We leave it up to her to call Sara and resolve
the problem.

Once again we are guiding our child through the problem without providing the solution or insisting on what she should do.

This excerpt is from pages 21 and 22 of Kathy's book, Priceless Parent Guidebook.

Let give Kathy Slattengren a BIG HAND for teaching us Becky Bailey's PEACE process using Kathy's examples. 

[i]Becky Bailey  Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.  New York, NY: HarperCollins Publisher, 2000, p.206.

 Kathy Slattengren      

Kathy's book, Priceless Parenting Guidebook: Ideas for Handling Everyday Parenting Challenges

It is available on Amazon.com

Kathy coaches Parents worldwide. To find out more go to Coach with Kathy.

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Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for using PEACE when disciplining your kids.  Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Puberty: Parents of Early Developing Girls, Are You Concerned?

When Girls Develop Early

If you're the parent of an early developing girl, are you concerned? Our expert author, Madeline Levine PhD, author of Teach Your Children Well, is here to share her insights. Let's find out what she thinks.

"Flip open a magazine, something like Seventeen, Teen Vogue, or even Girl's Life (pitched to girls "ages ten and up") and look at the girls inside. They are young, fashionable, made up, and tricked out. But most of all they are thin. Achingly thin, worrisomely thin, often pitifully thin. American middle-class white girls define the perfect body as 5' 7" and 110 pounds (height and weight that is considered medically underweight).

The average, healthy American teenage girl is, in fact, about 5'4" and weighs somewhere between 110 and 135 pounds. So just as young adolescent girls are becoming acutely aware of their changing bodies, they are bombarded by images that they believe represent the pinnacle of physical perfection but are more likely to put them under a doctor's care.

Female puberty is heralded by weight gain and particularly a shift toward fat as opposed to muscle. So girls who enter puberty early find themselves putting on weight and looking notable different than their friends.

While early development may bring a certain amount of admiration for these girls, particularly from boys, it also makes them "different" at a time when most teens are desperate to fit in. For the most part, they are no longer "thin," they struggle with their new body image, and, all too frequently, they go on unnecessary diets...

Researchers find that early developing girls are at increased risk not only in puberty but in adulthood as well.

Imagine  being in the fifth or sixth grade and fully developed. You're in middle school, so there are boys two and three years older than you who are attracted to you. Your girlfriends for the most part have retained boyish figures and if you happened to go to a particularly cliquish middle school, you may find yourself ostracized by them because you are no longer "thin" and you're being pursued by older boys.

Not surprisingly, girls in this situation tend to experience lower academic achievement, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, eating disorders..."

To read more go page 97 of  Teach Your Children Well

Available Now on Amazon.com

 

Let's Applaud Madeline Levine, PhD, for this insightful book on how to teach your children well. She says, "Values and coping skills matter more than grades, trophies, or "fat" envelopes."

   
   Madeline Levine, PhD     

Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for helping early developing girls? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Parenting Kids with Argument Problems: The Signs, Symptoms, and Solutions

Parenting Kids with Argument Problems 

If you’re parenting kids with argument problems, learn the signs, symptoms, and solutions you need. Our parenting expert, Dr. Michele Borba, wrote a marvelous chapter in her book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, about such problems and solutions. Let’s read an excerpt now.

Signs and Symptoms

"Remember, all children argue, but here are a few symptoms of
kids who bicker so constantly that it’s become a problem in their daily life.
 

> Always comes to you to solve a problem

> Hears only his side of an issue; only want his needs addressed

> Shouts or yells to air his views

> Puts down the other person’s opinion

> Often loses his temper when trying to voice his views

> Doesn’t “hear” where the other person is coming from or attempt to listen

> Takes things personally; overly touchy or sensitive

> Feels the need to retaliate because needs aren’t met

> Blames others for the problem

> Can’t identify or describe the problem or source of friction

> Can’t think of solutions or alternatives or weigh the consequences

The Solution ~ Step 1. Early Intervention

Dig deeper to uncover the real reason. Usually there are deeper issues involved:

1. What’s really triggering these arguments? For instance, is this a new behavior? If so, have there been any big changes in your child’s life lately?

2.  Does your child quarrel with everyone or just certain friends or family members?

3. Do the arguments usually happen at a certain time or day of the week (such as when he’s hungry, stressed, or tired?)

4. Ask friends, teachers, and coaches who know your child well for advice until you can discover the real reason for the constant bickering. Then commit yourself to changing one thing to start turning things around.

Could Any of These Be the Reason Your Child Always Argues?”

Here are 4 of 11 reasons offered by Dr. Borba:

First: Lacking conflict resolution skills or ability to solve problems

Second: Jealous of resentful of the individual

Third: Experiencing unfair treatment; being taken advantage of;always slighted; trying to stick up for himself

Fourth: Copying what he sees and hears: everyone else in the family argues and yells

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Dr. Borba is a well-respected star in the parentng field. She offers books, blogs, and research.

To find out much more information about solving the argument problem, start on page 48 of:

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

 
 
   
Available on Amazon.com   

 

Let's give a BIG HAND to Dr. Michele Borba for writing such a helpful book.

                         
            Dr. Michele Borba

Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for helping kids avoid arguing? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Should Parents Use This Strategy to Relieve Boredom in Kids?

 

How Do You Relieve Boredom in Kids?

 If you’re a busy parent and you’re kids are bored, would you use the strategy? Our parenting expert, Shefali Tsabary in her book, The Conscious Parent, give us both insight and solutions. Let’s hear what she has to say.

One of the easiest things to do to help our children return to their innate fluidity is to reduce the amount of television or other forms of screen time. I’m not suggesting that television or computers are bad for our children, only questioning the role they play in their everyday life.

There’s a world of difference between allowing our children to enjoy cartoons, shows, or games (especially at weekends) for leisure, and resorting to these things to distract us from being with ourselves.

If a screen is used to comfort restlessness or boredom, our children learn to be dependent on external aids to allay their anxiety.

Television and computers often serve not only as a band aid whenever children feel bored or upset, but as a replacement for relationships. Used in this way, they rob our children of the opportunity to learn how to sit with their emotions and navigate their feelings themselves.

As the child becomes buried in the noise of the program or game, its emotions are blunted. Television or the computer soon become an obsession, so that our children want them to be on at all times, in their numbness feeling strangely comforted by the presence of a screen.

Another step we can take is to exchange purchases for experiences. Instead of buying a gadget, we take our children to the zoo. Instead of buying them a fancy car on their eighteenth birthday, we send them on a trip to a Third World country, where they have to earn the money for a car.

Our children first and foremost need us to give them our attention, not our…”pages 162-163

Shefali made me think. TV, computers and electronic games give kids things to do to relieve their boredom. They also give parents more time to get things done. What do you think? Do more experiences and less TV, electronic games, and computers appeal to you?

Let's PRAISE Shefali Tsabary, PhD for sharing these important thoughts.

        
        Shefali Tsabary

You'll find her book The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children on Amazon.com

Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for relieving boredome in your kids? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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How Kids Use Guilt to Play One Parent Against the Other

Do your kids use guilt to play you against your partner? Our parenting expert, Katherine Gordy Levine, a therapist and foster mom, gives us a perfect example in her book, When Good Kids Do Bad Things: A Survival Guide for Parents.

See if you can spot the guilt. Then learn Katherine’s explanation.

The Gotcha Wars 

MOM: "You know you aren't allowed to go driving with that crowd."

GOOD KID: (being bad) "But Dad said I could."

DAD: (to Mom): "I did no such thing."

GOOD/BAD KID: "You said, 'See what your father says.' That means you don't mind if he doesn't."

MOM: "Give me a break. I thought you had to be kidding around. What I said was, 'Try that one on your father and see what he says.' You know I did not mean that I was changing the rules."

GOOD/BAD KID: "That's not fair. You lied to me."

DAD: "Sounds like you just weren't listening-"

GOOD/BAD KID: "You're making fun of me. You know I want to be with my friends, and you pretended I could go. That's mean. I don't have to take this!" (Exits, slamming door.)

When you are drawn into the peculiarly insidious teenage ploy I call the Gotcha War, you may soon become convinced that you are a failure as a parent. That's a typical reaction. Or you may yearn to give up the struggle and make a weak truce, accepting the horrible truth that your okay kid has become bad. That's another typical reaction.

Both are Nonsense.

Gotcha Wars will keep you on your toes, but parents can win them. The alternative can be disastrous. You can't just walk away. This chapter gives you the order of battle that will lead to D-Day. And you'll learn to achieve victory that is not a defeat for your kid.

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Let's APPLAUD Katherine for presenting what so many of us face with our kids. She has me on the edge of my chair wondering how to get to D-Day and achieving victory for ourselves without defeating our kids.

 
                   
You can pick up Katherine Gordy Levine's e-book on Amazon.com

Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for dealing with the Gotcha Wars in your kids. Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Why Do Some Parents Rescue Their Teens from Consequences?

Can Parents Rescue This Out-of-Control Teen?

"If you know parents who rescue their out-of-control teens from consequences, ask yourself, "Do those teens behave better?" 

Our expert authors actually work with teens and see the kids who don't. From their book, The Whipped Parent, I'll share how natural consequences can be great learning experiences for out-of-control teenagers and why rescuing often doesn't work.

Natural Consequences

The first type of consequences your adolescent will experience are natural consequences. Natural consequences happen as a direct result of your child's behavior and may have nothing to do with you.

Slug refused to go to school, and he failed some of his classes. Brandy had sex with many different boys and caught a sexually transmitted disease. Top Dog got into fights and ended up with stitches and scars on his face. Target got caught shoplifting and was arrested.

Natural consequences are very important. They will occur throughout your child's life, into adulthood. As a child or teenager, Jack may experience a consequence you've developed. He will experience natural consequences forever. It's what will help him think through his behavior. Natural consequences will influence the choices Jack makes, long after he's moved out of your home.

Parents are sometimes in the position to keep natural consequences from happening for their children. Top Dog's mom spent years "saving" her son from some natural consequences of drinking and fighting. When he was thirteen years old, a peer pressed assault charges.

Top Dog's mom went to court and convinced the judge to let her son attend therapy instead of being put on probation. When Top Dog couldn't get up for school because of a hangover, his mother called to excuse him. "I had to help him," she would say. "He's my son, and he's already been through so much.

After she began attending Al-Anon meetings, Top Dog's mother realized she wasn't truly "helping" her son. She was simply rescuing him from the natural consequences that went along with his choices.

Once she stopped rescuing him, Top Dog started to put more thought into his decisions. Often times he still decided to drink and fight, but at least he thought about what could happen."

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It's hard to avoid rescuing kids from their own bad behaviors. We love them and we fear they'll be hurt. The authors have presented us with situations where resuing has made things worse. What are your experiences with rescuing?

Let's give a BIG HAND to Kimberly Abraham, Marney Studaker-Cordner, and                 
KathrynO'Dea for their outstanding book and for choosing to be counselors helping teens and parents. You'll find helpful solutions in their book.

           

The Whipped Parent is available on Amazon.com

   *******

 Sit back, relax, and then share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for helping out-of-control teens? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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****** If you liked this blog post, please write a comment and send it to your social media sites below.

Parents, Your Kids Want You To Talk about This!

You Can Talk about Values with Your Kids!

If parents fear talking with their kids about right and wrong, they make a big mistake. Our expert blogger and expert author, Michael Sabbeth is both a teacher and a lawyer. He will share his classroom discussions and advice from children that will help you today. The following is from his book, The Good, The Bad, and the Difference: How to Talk with Your Children about Values.

Why Parents Avoid Talking about Right and Wrong with Their Children:

"Speaking to our children about right and wrong should be easy. We parents are more experienced, more educated and generally, more verbal than our children. Wise words should flow to angelic children like warmed honey from a jar. Yet, as Gershwin wrote in 'Porgy and Bess,' it ain't necessarily so. Indeed, many parents look forward to talking about this topic with the enthusiasm the tooth has for the drill."

 Kids Want Parents to Guild Them about Right and Wrong:

"Teaching right from wrong is the foundation for teaching children to live virtuously. I've learned that children are hungry for this guidance. They value it. They want to talk about it. They respect the good that their parents do; helping fix a stranger's flat tire, saving a drowing child, volunteering at a batter women's shelter, and they want to be like them.

How Parents Teach Right from Wrong:

Parents teach right from wrong by their actions, of course, and that is probably the most powerful and effective method of teaching. But they also teach by their words.

For example, Sarah, a first grader in my class in 1990, said, with pride piggy-backing on every word:

"You sit down for dinner with your mom and dad and they teach you what is right."

Max, a fifth grader, eloquently echoed Sarah's words when he told me that he loved "learning how to help humanity."

I asked where his love came from."It comes from my parents," he replied, his unscheming eyes glittering. "My parents talk to me if I've done something wrong or if I've made a mistake and they tell me what is right."

I've never met a parent who didn't want to talk with their children about right and wrong.

One mom's comment is typical: It's my job to raise moral children. It's a matter of pride. It gives me satisfaction to know I am doing a good job. My children reflect upon me." pp. 11-12.

******

Let's give, Michael Sabbeth a BIG HAND for sharing the importance of discussing right and wrong with our children. I look forward to blogging more about his advice with you. Helping kids build character and hearing how they think will be a joy. 

His book, The Good, The Bad, and The Difference: How to Talk to Your Children about Values is available at Amazon.com

Connect with Michael Sabbeth and hear him speak at http://kidsethicsbook.com/
    
Sit back, relax, and share your thoughts about this blog post or your suggestions for talking about right and wrong with your kids. Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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6 Steps Parents Can Take to Deal with Kids and Car Fights

 When Kids Fight, Parents Get Distracted!

If you're like most parents, your kids fight. Find out the 6 steps you can take that will help your kids and you. Our parenting expert and blogger, Ellen Galinsky, wrote Mind in the Making. She will tell us the 6 steps she took to overcome car fights.

Parenting Advice from Ellen's Perspective:

I used to drive my children back and forth from school when they were little, and they often fought in the backseat of the car, making the drive anything but pleasant. When I saw that part of my responsibility was to teach my children to be with others, my view of my role as a parent was transformed.

First, I began to accept that sibling rivalry was a fact of life. I used to want it to disappear, so I reacted to it that way. "Stop fighting!" I would say again and again, to little avail.

Instead, I shifted my own perspective and began to see their fights as opportunities to help them learn to deal with conflict, rather than as a burden to me. I began to realize how few of us ever learn to deal with conflict directly. So I called a family meeting.

Ellen's Family Meeting:

My daughter was about four and my son was nine. I said, "The fighting in the car when I am taking you to school makes it hard for me to drive safely. I'm not interested in who started the fights and I'm not interested in whose fault it is. I am only interested in who has a good idea for stopping the fights. I am going to write down all of your ideas so that we can try out some of them."

It took a while for my kids to get over trying to blame each other, but the piece of paper for writing down good ideas did wonders. I also used what I now think of as a:

 Problem - or Dilemma - Resolving Technique:

1. Identify the dilemma, problem, or issue.

2. Determine the goal.

3. Come up with alternative solutions might work. After writing down each idea, go back and ask them what would work and what wouldn't work about each idea. This helps them learn to evaluate the pros and cons of solutions.

5. Select a solution to try. After trying the solution out for a while, have another family meeting to discuss what's working and what isn't working about this solution.

6. Evaluate the outcome, and if the solution isn't working, try something else. When things start to fall apart, as they inevitably do, try to figure out why, repeat the process, and come up with another solution to try.

What Ellen Really Taught Her Children:

As you can see, I was teaching my children perspective taking along with problem solving. When evaluating each solution on the list, they had to think about it from their own and from the others perspectives. pages 89-91

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Let's thank Ellen Galinsky for her 6 steps on problem solving by teaching her kids the others perspective. The family meeting was the perfect place.

  


 Ellen Galinsky

Her book Mind In The Making - The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs is available at Amazon.com

Sit back, relax, and then share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for problem solving with your kids? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

Sign up for my Free Parenting Newsletter and receive:

• 80 Fun Activities to Share with Your Kids
• 101 Ways to Get Your Children to Cooperate

****** If you liked this article, please write a comment and send it to your social media sites below.

What A Father Wrote to His Son about Blame and Forgiveness

 
How a Father and Son Deal with Blame and Forgiveness

If you're a dad and want to talk about blame and forgiveness, read this letter from a father to his son. Our expert author and expert blogger, Jamie Bohnett shares how he recognized a "protruding plank" in his own eye. This is from his book, Letters to My Son.

The Protruding Plank ~ Blaming Others 

Dear Son,

I just wrote on Facebook that, "There are two things that I hate to experience when I am driving:

1. People who tailgate me and

2. When I tailgate people and they slow down.

I'm sure you get the point. It is easy to be critical of others and be completely blind to our own wrong attitude or behavior. I wonder why it is so easy to blame others (whom I can't control) while denying my own responsibility (which I can control).

Sometimes I get upset at how kids today fail to take personal responsibility. But I need to take a look at the log in my own eye.

1. What have I modeled?

2. When I am wrong, do I always humbly ask for forgiveness?

I believe I usually do eventually, but it isn't my first natural response, that's for sure. I believe this is part of our fallen condition, son.

For years I have spoken to men and this is one area where we as men have some poor role models from our fathers. Very few men have fathers who showed them how to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness when they were wrong. It is a generational curse of stubborn pride.

Son, please forgive me for all of the times when I have been your "speck inspector," while ignoring the protruding plank sticking out of my own eye! I know I have done this and I am so sorry.

In humble need of your forgiveness,

Dad

Let's APPLAUDJamie Bohnett for sharing his letter and how to ask forgiveness when we need to. You'll find his book, Letters To My Son on Amazon.com

    


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Sit back, relax, then share your thoughts about this blog post or your suggestions for a letter you might like to write to your child. Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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How to Build Character with Fun Stories and 5 Key Questions

Building Character with Fun Stories and Key Questions

If you could build character in your kids with stories and 5 key questions, would you? Below you'll find a small sample story with questions you can use today. I've added a fun one minute video too.

A Character Building Story for Kids:

Melody tiptoed into the kitchen. The smell of freshly baked cookies filled the air. Melody

spied the cookie jar. As she quietly lifted the lid, her mother walked in.

"Melody, what are you doing?"

"The lid is crooked, " she replied.

"I told you, "No more cookies. They're for dinner."

"I wasn't going to eat any," whined Melody. "I was just going to fix the lid.

These 5 Key Questions Help Kids to Think in Ways that Build Character:

1. Do you think Melody told the truth? Why?

2. Do you think most kids would believe Melody? Why?

3, How do you think Melody felt about getting caught?

4. Have you ever fibbed about something? Can you share it?

5. What advice would you give Melody?

These 5  Character Traits Are Your Goal:

When your children answers the 5 key questions it will help them think in ways that build character. These are the character traits the questions promote.

1. Role-taking ~ seeing things from the others' perspective.

2. Social-awareness ~ being aware of what most kids would  think.

3. Empathy ~ being aware of and caring about others' feelings.

4. Self-reflection ~ Examining one's own thoughts and feelings.

5. Good Advice Giving ~ Taking to heart the advice we give others and following it when we need it ourselves.

When you use fun problem stories in your family discussions you'll find out straight from their lips, how your children really think. With that knowledge you can guide them well.

Use discussion stories at the dinner table, in the car, and during your bedtime chats.

My new e-book, Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions is available on Amazon. It is filled with stories to help your kids think, feel, and build character.

Our One Minute YouTube Book Video   If you like it, please share it.

 

It's now available on ~ Amazon.com

 

Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for building character in your kids? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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****** If you liked this article, please write a comment and send it to your social media sites below.