If you're angry because your child is not doing his homework, getting bad grades, and acting defiant, you have problems. Our parenting expert and author of the book, Homework: A Parents Guide, Neil McNernery, is here to share 6 ways to solve them. Let's hear a typical story and Neil's advice.
Neil knows you want your kids to be successful. He knows you can't be "in control" too. Why?
Here Are 3 Questions to Think about:
1. Does your attitude reveal your belief that your child doesn't want to succeed?
2. Is your negative relationship with your child coloring his attitude toward your advice?
3. If "yes" is the answer to either question, then try to be "under control" rather than, "in control."
In Neil's chapter 'The Mistakes We Make as Parents,' he tells the story of Jordan and his dad. Jordan earned a "D" in science. In front of Neil, his dad demanded, "What else should I take away from you to get you to get a better grade?" Their argument escalated.
Jordan's dad believed his son didn't want to achieve and his negative relationship with his son increased Jordan's defiance.
Neil's Take on the Problem:
1. Jordan's dad wanted to be "in control" of Jordan's efforts toward good grades.
2. Jordan pushed back because he valued his independence by saying, "The point is that the more you try to control me, the more I will do it my way, even if it means getting worse grades." Jordan treasured independence over his dad's desire for his success.
Neil's Advice for Angry Parents Who Want Their Child to Succeed:
1. Calm down and be "under control" of your attitude, emotions, and behavior.
2. Change your attitude. Believe your child wants to succeed.
3. Create a positive relationship with your child.
4. Speak in conversational tones.
5. Make your goal to get your child to "buy in" by being a consultant.
6. Deliver your message in such a way that it will be heard, accepted, and used. (From pages 72-73 and 109-111)
I like Neil's advice because it makes sense.
1. I suggest taking a walk by yourself and think out how you'll calm down and get "under control." Perhaps you'll visualize seeing yourself handling the problem better. You might repeat often while breathing on the inhale, "I'm" and on the exhale "under control."
2. Ask yourself, "How can I get my point across so it can be heard, accepted, and used?" Practice saying your message in conversational tones.
3. Consider asking questions that focus on what your child thinks about his grades and any advice he'd like to give himself. You also might ask, "Is there anything you'd like me to do to help you?"
4. It's important to keep in mind your child wants to be independent and in control of his choices. You can promote that by following Neil's advice.
Let's THANK Neil McNerney for writing such a helpful book for parents based on his wealth of experiences as a school counselor.
Available on Amazon.com
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