When Children Witness Domestic Violence

If you're an abused parent, your child may have witnessed your abuse many times. This is one reason why you must seek help both for you and your child. Our parenting expert, social worker, and author, Carolyn Healy, is here to share what you need to know. Let's listen to her share the problem and some solutions.

What happens in the minds and hearts of the 15.3 million children who witness domestic violence in their own homes every year? A vast array of physical, psychological, emotional, and behavioral effects has been well-documented. Let’s choose just two to explore.

First, children living with domestic violence hear a call to grow up too fast. They worry about what is going on at home when they are not there. The only way to preserve their safety may be to try to fix the problems themselves, since the adults are not.

They may try to become the peacemaker in the family, soothing, distracting, even acting up themselves to draw attention away from the abuser-victim dynamic. If they are also being abused themselves, they may retreat out of fear. Some children set into the fray themselves and try becoming the hero who finally stops the violence, putting themselves at further risk.

To accomplish all of this, they develop radar for danger. Instead of mindlessly playing video games after school like their friends do, they wait for the door to open, so that they can measure the potential for trouble.

Second, consider the emotional toll. Children feel guilty because they fancy that they cause the abuse by not being good enough kids, and/or by not stopping it. They are on edge, startling easily. They learn not to express themselves lest they kick off an episode of abuse.

They may also learn to tune out because what is in front of them is so overwhelming. They can get caught up in blame, which is often directed at the abused parent (usually but not always the mother). The confusion of love and fear and anger is more than a child is equipped to handle.

What do these children need? They need first for it to stop. Anyone who is aware of such violence can act, by calling the local domestic violence hotline for information on how to safely help. Ideally, the abused parent can connect with that agency for services to heal and to learn how to create a safe household for her children.

They also need to be heard. Even if nothing changes in the home, there are many ways that others in the community can help. Children need ongoing loving and intentional support to heal from this trauma. Even one stalwart adult, a teacher, or friend’s parent, or counselor, can make the difference.

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Are you shocked  that 15.3 million children witness domestic violence in their own homes every year? I like how Carolyn Healy, my friend and fellow social worker who is involved with a domestic violence agency, shared the problem and possible solutions. You can connect with Carolyn at www.wavesofgrief.com

Carolyn Healy, MSW

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The abuser creates isolation and silence. Children need to hear a voice that says, “This isn’t normal. You don’t deserve this. We can help.”

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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When Is Your Attention-Getting Child Overdoing It?

When a child irritates her parents with too much attention-getting behavior, she could be selfish. Of course being the 'star' is normal when children are young but how do you know when it becomes too much?

Dr. Partridge, our parenting expert and author, will share an excerpt from his book, Building Character Skills in the Out-of-Control Child. Listen as he says,

"We start life at the center of our world - but all must give it up or drown in pathetic selfishness."

Ability to Give Up Being the Center of the Universe - The Story of David

"I don't like school, Mommy. I learn a lot more when I go to the grocery store with you, and when you teach me the words in my dinosaur book. I want to stay with you, Mommy."

David, age five, found he was just one of 25 active children his first day of kindergarten. At home, there was no waiting for snack time or recess.

At first, his mother was gratified that David valued her tutelage so highly. But as he began to stage emotional rebellions when it was time to go to school, she knew she needed help.

For five years, David had been the center of his own universe. His mother and father had given ceaselessly and had required nothing in return. David was the Crown Prince of his castle. And then he had to go to school.

If David's "I hate school" offensive wasn't working, he often became sick when the class bell rang. Now he had the full benefit of the teacher's attention as well.

It is important for all of us to push for a place in the sun - to be someone special. But shallow, attention-getting behavior that goes on and on clearly undercuts social growth.

A child existing comfortably in his environment - getting 90, giving 10 - has little need to learn to tune in to others, to become sensitive to their needs.

We will see in Chapter 8 how children are born into what might be called a "noncontingent" world. The love and care flows in just because they exist. It has to be that way because a baby has no capacity to earn love.

As the child grows older, the capacity for earning increases and he moves into the "contingent" world that all of us occupy. If we're loved by our family and friends as adults, it's largely because we hold up our end of the relationship.

The child who fights to keep the center of attention can find plenty of roles to play - particularly in the school classroom. The class clowns or the openly defiant troublemakers who touch off an uproar almost daily are children who are still insisting on center-stage attention. Sadly, many of them are...

Ultimately, these children are denied the chance to develop sensitivity, empathy, and a capacity to give and receive love. (To find out more and Dr. Partridges solutions go to page 74.)

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I appreciate the story about David. When I was a young teacher, I remember several children like David. This is why I like to promote Dr. Partridge's work. He tells it like it is and parents get from him the solutions they need.

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Let's give Dr. Partridge a BIG HAND for his no-nonsense views and his excellent parenting book.

  Dr. Partridge

Pick up Building Character Skills in the Out-of-Control Child

Available at Amazon.com

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Please share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the tiny comment link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Building Character in Kids by Teaching Chores!

If you choose to build character in your kids through chores, you'll be instilling competence and confidence too. Our parenting expert today is Kathy Slattengren. Here's an excerpt from her book, Priceless Parenting Guidebook.

Learning through Chores ~ Chores Build Competence and Confidence

We have until our children are about 18-years-old to teach them all the basic skills they'll need to live on their own. That’s a lot of teaching!  Doing household chores is a great way for kids to learn the skills needed to run a household.

It’s also important for children to learn that being part of a family means helping out with household tasks.  We do not want our children growing up seeing us as their personal servants!

Starting Chores Early

Starting chores when children are young and enthusiastic is great timing. Most preschoolers are not very good at chores but they are often eager to help. When parents give their preschoolers some simple chores and start teaching them how to do more complicated ones, they are on the road to enabling their children to be significant contributors to the family.

One mom explained she is teaching her 5-year-old twins how to do the laundry. Although she still needs to provide some guidance, the boys are so proud they know what buttons to push and how to do a load of laundry! Mastering new household skills builds self-confidence in children and starts building appreciation for what needs to be done to keep the household running.

Choosing Chores

It can be helpful to list out all the tasks that need to be done to keep your family going (including things like going to work to earn money, paying bills, providing rides). Next, sit down with your kids to discuss how to divide up these tasks.

It’s important for each person to understand their chores.  Some families post daily chore lists in the kitchen.  Others work together on chores on a certain day of the week. 

Paying for Extra Chores 

One way to allow children to earn money is to pay them for doing extra chores in addition to their normal ones.  It's a great way to get work done and for our children to earn money for the special things they would like.

Our children earned a trampoline by each doing 100 extra chores.  It took them almost a year to accomplish this and they were extremely proud when they finished earning the trampoline!

What chores do your children have? (To learn more go to page 28)

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I appreciate Kathy's excerpt . When children learn competence and confidence through chores they can become confident competent adults. The key is starting them young.

Let's APPLAUD Kathy Slattengren for her wisdom in building character in kids through chores.

Kathy Slattengren M.Ed.

Pick up Kathy's book,

Priceless Parenting Guidebook: Ideas for Handling Everyday Parenting Challenges

            Available at Amazon.com

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Please share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the tiny comment link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

   Type Your Comment!

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Need a Chore Chart Kit with a handy list of appropriate chores plus a chore chart for your kids?

Available at www.KidsDiscuss.com

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      Use These Tips to Talk to Your Tween

Need some parenting tips for talking about puberty and sex? Our expert parenting author, Dr. Madeline Levine, is sharing 5 tips from her new book, Teach Your Children Well. Let's see what she advises.

5 Parenting Tips for Parents of Middle School Children:

1. Start early. Sensitive conversations are less sensitive when you've had a history of them in your family. But it's never too late to start. Middle schoolers may find it easier to start talking about sexual activity once removed than about their own.

Portrayals in television shows, movies, or magazines give us great opportunities to bring up touch issues. A movie like Juno, about a pregnant teenage girl, would give you an easy opening for questions like "How did Juno decide what to do when she found out she was pregnant?" "How" questions are always more likely to be answered than "why" questions that just put kids on the defensive.

2. Figure out when your child is most receptive to discussion. Almost every important talk I had with my sons was in the evening around bedtime. Probably because everyone was relaxed. Don't ambush your child when he first comes home from school or when she has a big test the following day.

3. Don't be oblique. Preteens and young teens are confused enough about what is going on with their bodies and so questions like "Have you had any new feelings? are incomprehensible (and anxiety provoking) to them. Much better to be direct and say, "You're probably getting pretty close to having your first period. Let's make sure you're prepared." Often it's easier to ease into feelings after logistics are attended to.

4. Do not impute feelings to your teen. "You must be worried about when you're going to look like the other boys." This is probably the fastest way to shut down communication. The feeling part of these discussions has to come from your kid; otherwise he or she will feel misunderstood, controlled, and even judged.

5. Let your kid know you're available for conversation. "At some point you might want to talk about the changes in your body or about sex, If you do, I'm here to listen." Provide openings but don't push if you get no response. Most children will come to you..(To find out more go to page 103)

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I appreciate the advice, Dr. Levine, has given us. If we want our tweens and teens to ask questions about puberty and sex, we have 5 wise parenting tips to follow.

Let's APPLAUD Madeline Levine, PhD for share these tips with us.

                  
         Dr. Madeline Levine

Pick up her book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success

            Available at Amazon.com

Please share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the tiny comment link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

   Type Your Comment!

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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• 80 Fun Activities to Share with Your Kids
• 101 Ways to Get Your Children to Cooperate

****** If you liked this article, please write a comment and send it to your social media sites below.