The Power Dance

Adolescents are notorious for engaging parents in a power dance. You may be minding your own business, enjoying a rare peaceful moment, and your son walks in. He's bored, spiteful, or in the mood to feel powerful.

He plops down next to you and says casually, "I'm going to get my tongue pierced next week." (Translation: Would you like to dance?)

You look up, dismayed and fearful, thinking of how you'll explain this to friends and family. You reply, "Oh, no, you're not." (Translation: Sure, I'll dance with you.)

Your son cocks his head, physically puffs up, and says confidently, "Oh, yes, I am. I already saved the money." (Translation: Isn't this fun? I'm not bored anymore.)

The dance is in full swing now, as your son leads you across the floor, stepping on your toes all the way. Your face gets hot, and adrenalin pumps as you reply angrily, "Well, you're under eighteen, and I am NOT signing the permission slip. Besides, don't you know how dangerous that can be? Do you want to look like a freak?"

The two of you continue in the power dance until someone either get tired and gives up, gets angry and stomps off, or the situation escalates. More explosive subjects get brought up, things snowball and may even get violent.

A power struggle begins with a battle for control. It comes from the need to have the upper hand, the final say or to be the one who is right.

A difference in opinion can come down to,

"I'm right and you're wrong. There's only one way to do things in this situation, and it's my way"

Power struggles can be very destructive. If (your) Jack is spending all of his time trying to gain control, he won't learn how to think his actions through. He'll be too busy trying to win a tug of war. A parent can waste valuable time and emotional energy trying to hang on to that upper hand. (From pages 97-98)

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The authors gave us valuable insight but what can a parent do? In the next section of their valuable book they share several ways to avoid the power dance. You'll smile as you see how simple and sensible their advice is.

Pick up The Whipped Parent: Hope for Parents Raising an Out-of-Control Teen

Available at Amazon.com

Let 's HONOR Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, CSW and Kimberly Abraham, MSW, CSW for sharing their knowledge and social work experience with difficult teenagers. Their wisdom is a guiding light for all of us.

Kimberly Abraham & Marney Studaker-Cordner

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Love Your Baby

Your Baby from 0-3 Months

First Parenting Tip: My brain wasn't fully developed when I was born. Loving interaction is what I need most to help it grow best.

Tender Touch

Second Parenting Tip: While changing my clothes or diapers, take a minute and warmly and gently rub my back, arms, and legs. Let me feel your warmth.

Third Parenting Tip: Touch stimulates my brain growth. My body and brain will actually stop growing without touch.

Loving Me Calms Me

Fourth Parenting Tip: Realize that loving me does NOT spoil me. Show the love you feel for me through all of the interactions we have together.

Fifth Parenting Tip: Hearing you talk and letting me respond makes needed connections in my brain. This leads to developing language on my own.

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This card packet is full of loving advice. Deborah McNelis makes it easy to love your baby and increase his brain power. You'll appreciate the colorful cards with their beautiful pictures. Why not read the cards appropriate to your baby's age? They'll help you remember what to do and how to show your baby love.

Deborah has card packets for babies, one-year-olds, two-year-olds, 3-year-olds, 4-year-olds, and 5-year-olds at: Brain Insights

Let's THANK Deborah McNelis for her studies in brain research and for bringing that knowledge to us in such loving and delightful ways.

        Deborah McNelis

If you know the parent of a baby or young children let them know about: 

Brain Insights

www.braininsightsonline.com

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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If you'd like to motivate your child, but find it quite challenging, our expert parenting author and master teacher is here to help. Carol Josel, in her book, Other-Wise and School-Wise, is inviting you to ask your child a powerful question. First you must ask yourself, "What motivates you?"

Getting a Move On

Motivation: whatever gets you moving, either externally, such as gold stars, the promise of a reward, even being grounded, or internally, such as will power, goals, and self-satisfaction.

Competition: seeking to win or gain what's wanted by others; rivalry.

QUESTION: What motivates you to work hard as a parent? How about professionally, socially, and personally? For instance, after working all day, what gets you to make dinner, help with homework, hop on the treadmill?

__Competing with myself?

__Competing with others?

__Meeting deadlines?

__Reaching goals?

__Being a role model?

__Challenging myself?

__Pleasing others?

__Ambition?

__Personal satisfaction?

__Surpassing expectations?

__Recognition?

QUESTION: Now ask your child what motivates him/her to forge ahead, tackle school work, participate in activities, and the like? Do you agree?

__Competing with myself?

__Competing with others?

__Academic success?

__Love of learning?

__Challenging myself?

__Parental approval?

__Rewards/gifts/money?

__Recognition?

__Pleasing teachers, friends?

__Sports requirements?

__Avoiding summer school?

__Interest/ curiosity?

__College/scholarship hopes?

__Career hopes?

"The person who tries to be better than himself is likely to have more success than the person who tries to be better than someone else." ~ Anonymous (From page 63)

You'll find lots of great ideas in Carol's Part 8, "On Motivation and Goal-Setting."

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I like Carol Josel's approach to finding out what motivates you first. Her list helps you expand your outlook on what drives you to accomplish things. After you acknowledge what motivates you, ask your student.

Just sit down with your child and go over Carol's list. Let your child to think about and discuss each one. Listen more than talk.

When you're finished discussing, you should have a good idea what motivates your child. Your next step is to see how you can help without being pushy.

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Pick up Carol Josel's book Other-Wise and School-Wise: A Parent Guidebook

Available at Amazon.com

Let's THANK Carol for her wisdom and work in helping parents raise successful students.

Carol Josel, Master Teacher

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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 Facts or Opinions

Today he is sharing his classroom discussion about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and Bugs Bunny. This is an excerpt from his book, The Good, The Bad, and the Difference.

One day, while my students were haranguing me with their opinion that I wasn't entitled to my opinion that rejected their opinion, I sought refuge in art to defend myself. I picked up a book on Italian art that happened to be lying on the teacher's desk. I leafed through the pages and found a photograph of Michelangelo's "God About to Touch and Give Life to Adam."

I knew I had found the evidence to make my point...

While the photograph was passed around the class, I drew an approximation of Bugs Bunny on the chalkboard, crooked teeth and floppy ears and all.

Which was the greater work of art, I asked, my Bugs Bunny or Michelangelo's "Touch of Life?"

Here are some student comments:

1. They're the same if you think they are.

2. You can't judge the difference.

3. One is no better than the other.

4. It's just your opinion.

I confess I was dismayed. This reasoning is darkly troublesome. Would they find no difference between freedom and slavery? Between representative democracy and totalitarian fascism? Between a culture that suppressed women and one that elevated them? Are those differences merely matters of opinion?

I was pulled back from the brink of despair when a few students said something like, "Are you nuts? The Sistine Chapel is much better!"

Abbie's critique rejecting the student's relativism was as poetic as it was profound. "The Sistine Ceiling represents something important. You judge it by the effort, the talent, the meaning of the art."

This quote has many qualities but one of the most significant is providing insight into the judgment, wisdom and expressive skill of young children.

Comparing the artistic qualities of the Sistine Ceiling with my haphazard drawing of Bugs Bunny might seem silly, but serious points can be made:

1. First of all, to say comparisons are not possible because it's just a matter of opinion is a cowardly cop-out that avoids the hard work of thinking.
2. There are differences between the two works.
3. Those differences can be identified.
4. They have artistic significance.
5. Rational judgments can be made about them. (From pages 101-102)

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Teaching kids to think means realizing facts count. Facts help make wise decisions.

When kids give opinions supported by facts, they are thinking. If they say, "It's just your opinion." They're being lazy. As parents and teachers, we need to ask the questions to get our children thinking because they are the decision makers of the future. Michael Sabbeth shows us how.

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Pick up Michael Sabbeth's book, The Good The Bad & The Difference: How to Talk With Children About Values.

Available at Amazon.com

Let's HONOR Michael Sabbeth for his work with children. He knows how parents and teachers can help kids think right about values.

   Michael Sabbeth

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Eating Disorders can torment teenage boys as well as girls. Our parenting expert and author shares this story and solution in her excellent book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. Listen as this student pours his heart out to Annie and how she responds.

Boys Get Eating Disorders Too!

What Would You Teach Here?

I know everyone thinks only girls get eating disorders, but I'm a guy and I think I have one and I need help. I eat half of a small energy bar before school, then I don't eat lunch. Then I eat the other half of the bar and some fruit. It's gotten to the point where I'm mad at myself if I even take a bite of food.

I get a lot of hate from people calling me fat and pointing out every flaw I know I already have. My mom says, "I don't think you eat enough." I pretend I don't hear.

People at school ask if I want some of their food and I say no thank you. I know they worry about me I don't feel welcome anywhere I go.

The Dean of Students saw me and asked if I wanted to talk, but I said everything was fine. I know teachers worry about me because they watch me just sit there during lunch and not eat. I don't know what to do. I feel really stuck. - 15-year-old (From pages 71-72)

Annie's Reply to This Teen's Eating Disorder

"I tell people I'm fine but I think I have an eating disorder."

Everything is obviously not "fine." Your mom is worried about you. People at school who offer you their food are worried about you. The Dean of Students is worried about you. And since you just wrote to me for help, I'd say it's safe to deduce that you are worried about you!

Anyone can develop an eating disorder, and it definitely sounds like you are severely restricting calories (possible to avoid being teased.) Now it sounds like you have gotten into a habit of not eating. I'm guessing that when you do eat you're not enjoying the food at all. (An energy bar is not a complete, ongoing source of the nutrients your body needs.)

I'm going to add myself to the list of people who care about you and are worried about you. You say, "I don't know what to do anymore." Here's what you need to do today: Talk to your mom. Tell her the truth.

Tell her what you told me...about not eating...about feeling depressed. Tell your mom that you don't want to feel this way anymore, and you want help. Tell her that you want to talk with the Dean of Students and /or a school counselor. (From page 213)

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Most of us don't think of boys as having eating disorders. How important that this boy trusted Annie enough to tell her about his problem. If he follows her good advice, he may find a good solution.

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Pick up Annie Fox's excellent book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People  and learn the many solutions she offers all of us.

            Available at Amazon.com

Let's HONOR Annie for helping students and parents with her caring heart and outstanding advice.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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 An Author Interview

There are the books everyone has heard about: Twilight, Hunger Games, and Fifty Shades of Gray. But what about all those books written by people you’ve never heard of? Some of them are treasures, just waiting to be found, and that’s what this blog hop is all about: the books you might not have heard about, but that you might end up loving.

Blog Hop interviews authors and shares their books and coming attractions.

Blog Hop is like a game of tag. One author posts and tags other authors who link back to their website the next week and tag new authors. If you follow the blog hop long enough, you’re bound to find some books you’ll love! Maybe you’ll even discover a book that ends up being the next big thing.

I was tagged by Dr. Par Donahue. You can learn more about his book, Messengers in Denim, and his next release,Tools for Raising Kids of Character on his website: http://www.messengersindenim.com/?page_id=4

Blog Hop includes ten questions to help you learn more about an author’s present work or work in progress. Here’s the interview with a little info about my work in progress:

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1. What is the working title of your new book?

Character Building for Kids of Divorce: Problem Solving Stories with Family Discussions

2. Where did the idea come from for the book?

As a teacher and counselor, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many parents and children experiencing divorce. This book will be a useful tool to help parents learn the concerns of their children and help them through their pain. Each story will include a positive tool that children can use immediately.

Hey Mom, When's Dad Coming?

(Another Problem Solving Story with a Positive Tool for Kids)

3. What genre does your book fall under?

Child Development, Positive Psychology, Parenting

4. Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

The cartoon characters in the stories would fit with the Charlie Brown style actors from Charles Shultz.

5. What is the one sentence synopsis of your book?

These interactive cartoon stories help parents discuss with their children their worries and concerns about divorce through gentle discussion questions, art work, and rhymes.

6. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I will publish it through KidsDiscuss.com as a Kindle book on Amazon.com

7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

I’m in the process of writing it and hope to complete it by June, 2013.

8. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

Because of its unique format, I’m not aware of other books like it.

9. Who or What inspired you to write this book?

As a child and family counselor, I’ve felt the hurt children experience when their parents divorce. They are my inspiration. Also my social work friends from Divorce Life Line encouraged me to write it for the parents in their classes.

Each chapter begins with a story many kids of divorce experience. Within the story, the cartoon character uses a practical tool to deal with the problem. Each tool is easy for young readers to apply.

The parent/child activities that follow give each child the opportunity to express his thoughts, feelings, and give advice to the character in the story.

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I also recommend my friend and author, Katherine Gordy Levine who is such a star in the parenting field:

Parents Are People Too: An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents

or at
http://parents-are-people-too.com/

When Good Kids Do Bad Things - A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers

Katherine Gordy Levine Blog

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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****** If you liked this article, please write a comment and send it to your social media sites below.

How Scaffolding Helps Kids Become Independent and Competent

A building is being constructed. When the building is being built, the workers set up a scaffold in order to support its safe construction. Gradually, though, as the construction is finished and the building is more secure, the scaffold is removed.

In much the same way, the job of the teacher or parent-when teaching ANYTHING-is to provide temporary support while simultaneously teaching strategies for learning. So when a child is first learning a skill, the teacher or parent will provide lots of support, but as the child learns, the teacher or parent gradually provides less and less until none is needed and the child is able to do the task independently.

The Scaffolding Process

Through the scaffolding process, parents and teachers give children greater and greater freedom and the latitude to be on their own as they learn the skills needed to function independently.

Riding a Bike-How Parents Teach Through Scaffolding

Probably the clearest example of providing scaffolding is shown through teaching someone how to ride a bike.

1. First, the instructor gives a lot of support-holding the bike steady while running along-side it with hands on both bike and the child to help the child experience the feeling of riding along without training wheels.

2. Gradually, though, the instructor removes some of that support-perhaps the hand from the front is slowly removed while the hand on back of the bike is still held on firmly.

3. Next, though, he loosens his grip on the back. As the rider gains confidence, the instructor completely lets go, but stays close, ready to quickly grab onto and hold the bike and rider if necessary.

4. Gradually, though, he moves further and further away until the rider finally goes off on his or her own. (From pages 40-41)

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The scaffolding metaphor is a clever way to explain how parents guide children to learn new things until they can do them on their own. Then, for the child's sense of independence and competence, the parent steps away.

When counseling with families, I advised parents to stop doing for children what they can do for themselves. I believe the concept of scaffolding helps children learn to take care of themselves and feel good about themselves too.

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Pick up Dr. Donna Volpitta's and Dr. Joel Haber's book, The Resilience Formula: A Guide to Proactive Not Reactive Parenting. You'll find excellent ways to raise resilient, independent, and competent children.

Available at Amazon.com

Let's THANK Dr. Donna Volpitta for her part in creating this important book for parents. When we raise resilient children they become independent competent adults. How wonderful is that?

    Donna Volpitta, PhD

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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The Model Student Story

One day I happened upon a sixth-grade teacher as he was writing progress reports on students. He stopped what he was doing, looked up, and said, "Boy, this girl is a model student. She is exactly what we look for in candidates for our school."

I asked, "What's so great?"

"She eagerly tackles any challenge that I give her," he replied.

Research and Success

The work of Carol Dweck at Stanford supports this quality as a criterion with predictive value. In "The Secret to Raising Smart Kids, "Dweck reminds us that success is not a function of intelligence measured by a test or a set of fixed goals or abilities, but a function of applying yourself to the challenges at hand. It is a matter of hard work and disciplines-those behaviors and habits that help us accomplish our goals.

Students who believe that they have the ability to grow their intelligence will outperform students who have a notion that intelligence is fixed and who feel that the more of it you have, the more successful you will be. Successful people are successful because they work with diligence and discipline to make something of themselves in the world.

At the beginning of the article, Dweck writes: "Our society worships talent, and many people assume that possessing superior intelligence or ability-along with confidence in the ability-is a recipe for success. In fact, however, more than 30 years of scientific investigation suggest that an overemphasis on intellect or talent leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unwilling to remedy their shortcomings."

It's not their strengths or their level of academic proficiency that makes a difference in the quality of their lives, but their enthusiasm for embracing a challenge and getting down to work. (From pages 98-99)

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I appreciate that embracing challenges with discipline and hard work beat talent and intellect. We all know smart talented people who haven't gone far because they lacked discipline. Of course there are talented intelligent people who love challenges and hard work. They are successful too. But for most of us, our success can be measured by our belief in ourselves, willingness to tackle challenges, and self-discipline.

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Pick up Rick Ackerly's The Genius in Every Child: Encouraging Character, Curiosity, and Creativity in Children

Available at Amazon.com

Let's THANK Rick Ackerly for making his wealth of knowledge available in his excellent book. Now parents everywhere have the opportunity to put his advice into action.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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If you're a parent and you've ever been embarrassed by your children's manners, you need to read, Character Building for Kids: Cartoon Guide to Good Manners.

Today, Wednesday, January 9th and tomorrow, January 10th it is completely free. Why? Amazon helps authors increase their ranking when authors give their kindle books free on specific days.

If you haven't picked up my book yet, please do today or tomorrow.  There are 19 five star reviews at Amazon for: Character Building for Kids: Cartoon Guide to Good Manners with Family Discussions

 Here are 4 of those reviews:

Tattletale Kids

"This is such a wonderful tool for teaching your children the values and virtues we all wish to instill in our children while keeping it light and entertaining for the kids. I particularly love the sections of this book that have the parent ask the children to explain a way a situation could have been handled better.

If you are looking for a way to open the lanes of communication with your child on how to behave better, this is the book for you.

The short little examples in this book are made easier and more fun for the child by using age appropriate pictures that they have fun looking at. I love this book and highly recommend it to any parent." – Ionia Martin

*****

Impatient Peter

"Thank you so much for this easy to use tool for children and grown-ups. The lessons are light, easy to use and yet very well grounded.

Jean Tracy is a very focused and dedicated author. She keeps on producing materials for raising great kids. This book and the author get a thumb's up from me!" – Jean-Yves

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"I am a mom of two elementary boys. I have read many books about developing characters in young children. This is the only book that my kids and I 'fight' to read."

– Jan Zhao

*****

"This book is a fabulously playful approach to teaching our kids important social skills.

Jean Tracy has created a fun, endearing group of characters who, while possessing abundant great qualities (a list of which Tracy provides right off the bat), struggle with a particular bad habit.

Illustrating this habit in short vignettes, it's clear that the behavior is causing our little character grief in his or her relationships (i.e., sneezing where she pleases doesn't win many friends).

At the end of each section are questions and exercises that help kids process the lesson. This is a great tool for parents and for therapists who work with children.

Tracy clearly knows kids!" - Shelly White

Available at Amazon.com

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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THE SOLUTION

Six Strategies for Change

1. Uncover the reason. Your first step to change is to discover why your kid feels the need to brag. Once you've identified the cause, you can implement solutions. The following is a list of common reasons. Check those that may apply to your child.

. "Center stage" upbringing.

. Jealuosy.

. Low social status

. Insecurity

. Emphasis on achievement and winning

. Sense of being "above others"

. Egocentricity

. Feelings of inadequacy

. Perfectionism

2. Halt the horn blowing. If you've been putting your youngster kid on center stage to parade her talents and beauty (so that everyone "oohs and aahs" over her every move), then cut it out! ...

3. Teach the rules for "civilized" bragging. Reprimanding  a young kid for bragging will only make him feel ashamed and less likely to tell you his achievements. So teach the "Private Rule": you will always be delighted to hear his proud moments, but he should tell you privately. Then explain why: "Bragging in front of friends may make them feel as if they aren't as good...

4. Point out others' reactions. Kids who brag may have used this habit so long, they're unaware that it's a real turnoff and doesn't win them any points from friends, teammates, or adults. So help your child recognize how others react to his boasting. Here are a few solutions:

. Ask: How would you feel?

. Point out nonverbal reactions.

. Role-play the other side.

5. Encourage complliments. A big part of tempering your kid's bragging and boasting is to help him recognize the accomplishments and achievement of others instead of always focusing on his own strengths, talents, and accolades.

. Teach builder-uppers...

. Look for strengths in others...

. Teach the "Two Praise Rule"...

6. Reinforce humility. Remember: true self-esteem is a quiet, inner contentment; the child doesn't feel compelled to let others know of is accomplishments and accolades. Nor does he feel the urge to compare himself to others or put the other guy down. So find ways to temper your child's boasting by acknowledging his moments of humility...

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As you can see, I couldn't include all the rich material Dr. Borba has about bragging. I hope this is enough to get you thinking about helping your child overcome this problem. Most children don't like braggarts. With your help, kids will enjoy being friends with your son or daughter.

To read more of Dr. Borba's advice about bragging, read her chapter, "Brags." You'll find it from page 71-75.

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Pick up The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries

Available at: Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Dr. Borba for her work on bringing practical solutions to parents. She is an abundant resource for the kind of answers parents need.

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   Type Your Comment!

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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