Bossy Kids Are Annoying

WHY ARE BOSSY KIDS REJECTED? You’ll find 7 troublesome behaviors to help you decide if your child is bossy and why children exclude him in this parenting gift.

Watch your child interact with other children. Does he irritate others by doing this?

Behavior #5:

Is He Someone Who Tells Others What to Do?

Here are 3 reasons bossiness doesn't work:

1. Both adults and youngsters dislike being told what to do especially when they aren’t asking for advice. Why? They have their own thoughts and their own answers to their problems and don’t want to feel pushed by someone else.

2. Bossy kids like to take control and order others to do what they think is best. This doesn’t work because they can’t possibly know the other child’s complete thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Naturally their advice will be faulty.

3. When pushy students use a demanding voice it annoys classmates. Again, children resent being commanded to do another kid's bidding.

The Bossy Solution 

What do you want to do?

If telling others what to do is one of your child’s problems, suggest he listen, empathize, and ask what the other child wants to do about the situation. This will help him be included and not excluded because he cares more about the other child's solutions than giving his own advice.

To learn the other 6 actions that bossy children do to get themselves rejected, go to

http://kidsdiscuss.com/subscriber-gifts.asp

and insert the code word: BOSSY.

Add this Parenting Gift to your 3-hole binder to use whenever you need it. Share it with your children too. It could help them choose more acceptable behaviors now and throughout their lives.

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Was this helpful? Please let me know by commenting below.

Thank you so much.

With warm wishes, 

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Disciplining Teenagers Isn't Always Easy

If your teenager fights your discipline and you feel unsure about what to do, our parenting skills expert, Annie Fox, is here to help. She authored the amazing book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People. You'll find out what a 15-year-old girl did, how her parents disciplined her, and their doubt about their methods. Annie will share her response to the parents.

The Problem:

A 15-year-old daughter was told she couldn't date an 18-year-old boy. She acted like she agreed but she dated the young man behind their backs.

If This Was Your Teenager, What Would You Do?

1. Would you shrug your shoulders and give up?

2. Would you yell and scream?

3. Would you lecture her?

How the Parents Disciplined Her:

1. They took her cell phone away.

2. They grounded her.

3. They said they'd restore her privileges when the relationship was over.

The parents contacted Annie wondering if they overreacted. They wanted their daughter to understand their perspective. 

Annie's Wisdom for Parents

1. She agreed that the daughter was too young to date an 18-year-old.

2. She agreed that the daughter defied them.

3. She agreed that taking away the cell phone and grounding their daughter was appropriate.

4. She acknowledged that getting their daughter to understand their position was unlikely.

5. She also suggested, if their daughter didn't change her attitude, that the family see a family counselor. (Pages 121 and 220)

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Jean's Thoughts

I like Annie's wisdom. She analyzes difficult situations with clarity. Many parents experience the problem mentioned here. Sometimes they're uncomfortable and wonder if they were too harsh. Even when they're kind, firm, and consistent, their teenager is likely to fight hard to get her way. 

In my opinion, parents need to stick to their reasonable rules even when life at home is miserable. If they don't, their adolescent may treat them with even more disrespect and behave even worse. Why? Because they know they can get their parents to back down.

I agree with Annie that finding a good family counselor may be the best next step. If the teen rebels and won't attend, at least the parents will receive support and professional advice.

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Let's PRAISE Annie for her insights and support for parents and teenagers. She is an online advisor to teens and parents around the world. Annie has 30+ years of experience.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

Pick up Teaching Kids To Be Good People: Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century. You find the questions, stories, and advice you need.

Available at: Amazon.com

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Have Meaningful Discussions with Your Teenager

How to Prevent Teenagers from Talking

Dr. Par is able to extract sensitive material from teens when psychiatrists often fail. He says it's because many psychiatrists spend little time talking with their patients. They collect enough information to diagnose and prescribe. (Maybe their schedules stop them from more meaningful interactions.)

How to Help Teens to Communicate Their Troubles

1. Dr. Par avoids complicated medical words.

2. He avoids condemning their schoolmates or friends.

3. He makes boys comfortable by listening first.

4. Because they trust that Dr. Par really cares, they are curious about his thoughts and listen in return.

One Interview Mistake and One Solution for Comfortable Discussions with Male Adolescents

1. Avoid sitting across from your teenager because it can appear confrontational.

2. Sit side by side or shoulder to shoulder because it makes it easier for your young man to share sensitive material like his relationship with his girlfriend or drugs.

The Order of Questions to Ask When Discussing Issues

Remember, Dr. Par is not condemning during these questions. He is asking and listening.

1. What are the kids at school doing?

2. What do you think?

3. Can you tell me about your friends' activities?

4. What's going on with you?

Dr. Par makes the kids comfortable by showing he is listening and really cares. Now they want to know what he thinks. He shares his thoughts without telling them they are stupid or wrong. Because of his easy caring style and the fact that he listened first, they now listen to him. (From pages 237-238)

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I appreciate Dr. Donahue's method. Being a busy pediatrician didn't stop him from hearing and understanding his young patients. I believe he's just told us the best way to influence our teens.

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Discussion Story

One of my teenage sons, a reserved boy, didn't talk a lot. To understand him better I'd take him out to dinner once a week. We'd pick a quiet restaurant. I had some rules for myself:

1. Let him talk first.

2. Avoid being nosey.

3. Listen and say little.

4. Be approving.

Of course, I wanted to know what happened at the latest Friday night party. But I didn't probe. I let him tell me. Mostly, he talked about his music and why he liked it.

One day he told me, "Mom, you're my best friend." Even though it's years later, we continue to experience a deep connection.

That's why I strongly support Dr. Par's strategy. I know he's right because it works.

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Let's PRAISE for sharing his special method for helping teenage boys discuss their problems. He's shown us how easy it is to build a caring connection.

Dr. Parnell Donahue

Pick up a copy of his marvelous book, Messengers in Denim: The Amazing Things Parents Can Learn from Teens. He's filled it full of interesting stories with teens, golden nuggets for parenting, and medical advice.

          Available at Amazon.com

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Don't Get Caught in the Blame Game with Your Teenager!

 How Parents and Adolescents Play 'The Blame Game'

Our authors tell us 'The Blame Game' is like rolling the dice. Your teen picks up the dice and makes a blaming comment. Then you pick up the dice and return a quip. Back and forth each of you keeps pushing each other's buttons. Here's an example from their book:

"I missed school today because you didn't wake me up."

"I did too wake you up. You wouldn't get out of bed."

"Uh-uh. I fell back asleep and you never came back in."

"I did too. I tried to get you up three times today. It's not my fault you missed school."

If this sounds like some of your arguments, don't give up. You have choices:

Three Choices for Parents

1. You can play and lose.

2. You can refuse to pick up the dice by not responding in the first place.

3. You can respond with, "I'm sorry you had a hard time making it to school today. Do you have any ideas on how tomorrow could be different?"

When Parents Hold a Blaming Attitude

Sometimes adults don't recognize how their own blaming attitudes put them in opposition to their teens. Here are some examples:

1. "I'm an alcoholic...But my nerves are so shot that I'm ready to drink again...he needs to know what he's driving me to do."

2. "I can't believe he swore at me. He has no respect for me or anyone else."

3. "That's it. He never swore at me until he started hanging around that one friend of his."

Can you guess why these blaming statements aren't helpful? If you said number one is wrong because your child is not responsible for your emotional state, you're correct. In this case the parent could choose to take responsibility and go to a support group or therapy.

Number two and three are still looking to blame someone. Our authors tell us that holding our adolescent responsible for his behaviors is good. Blaming is not. Why? The Blame Game offers no solutions. No one wins. (From Pages 119-122.)

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Blaming Mistakes to Avoid

Your voice, your body language, and your words have the power to teach. Some parents teach the following mistakes. Don't let these errors be yours:

1. Argue with a loud angry voice. The child learns to argue the same way because parents modeled the voice.

2. Stand with stiff body language, pointing finger, and furious face. The child learns to mimic the same stance because the parents illustrated it.

3. Yell, name call, and use blaming words. The child repeats the language because the parents taught it.

Solutions for Blaming to Consider

1. Ignore the blame game. Don't pick up the dice.

2. Form a relaxed body image.

3. Comment kindly and firmly while keeping the responsibility for the bad behavior on your teenager.

4. Model respect and character.

5. Listen well and speak well.

Yes, this takes strength when you're fired up. Take a time out. Cool down. Practice the face, body language, and words that say what needs to be said and no more. When both of you are calm then be the parent, the teacher, and the model.

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I like the examples Marney and Kimberly shared. They showed us how badly the Blame Game can go. The analogy to rolling the dice made sense. They showed us that blaming doesn't work. They gave us three choices. When you read their book, you'll find even more helpful information in the, 'The Blame Game' chapter.

Let's APPRECIATE Marney and Kimberly for sharing their expertise from working with difficult teenagers.

         Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, CSW 

               Kimberly Abraham, MSW, CSW

Pick up your copy of their book, The Whipped Parent: Hope for Parents Raising an Out-of-Control Teen and get the help you need.

Available on Amazon.com

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   Type Your Comment!

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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"No matter what, I love you."

How We Blame Our Teens:

We keep mental tabs on their past wrongs like:

. The temper tantrums when she was young

. The time she stole money from my purse

. The time she set the house on fire from her cigarettes

. The times she stayed out past her curfew

. The times she got drunk when I was out

. The times she's called me the "B-word."

When we think about the mental list, it's easy to feel angry, resentful, and hurt. Our authors tell us that keeping a tab is like a credit card. "You're the one who ends up paying - with lots of interest tacked on." What's even worse, our kids learn to keep tabs on our mistakes too.

When we keep tabs, it's like lifting the back of a chair while our arms and back ache but we won't put it down. Try it and see how long it takes for your arms and back to tire. So how do we stop the credit card or put down the chair?

Marney and Kimberly tell us to accept our child unconditionally by:

1. Forgiving through letting go of the past (Get rid of the credit card.)

2. Loving your child as only a parent can.

3. Telling your child you love her.

4. Avoiding withdrawing yourself and your love from your child.

"Some of the saddest adolescents are those who feel hopeless because they believe their behavior has led to the loss of a parent's love."

If you have trouble feeling unconditional love for your child, "Fake it until you make it," advise our authors. If something happened to your child, you'd want the last words she heard from you to be, "I love you."

One telling question Marney and Kimberly ask is, "If a stranger asked your adolescent, 'Does your parent love you?'" what would she say? (From pages 122-126)

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You might respond, "This is tough to do." Our authors would heartily agree. They understand. I appreciate their view on unconditional love. It's important to focus on what is truly important even when we're hurt and angry.

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Let's HONOR our authors, Marney and Kimberly, for sharing their knowledge from working with difficult teenagers.

Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, CSW

Kimberly Abraham, MSW, CSW

You can order their book The Whipped Parent: Hope for Parents Raising an Out-of-Control Teen

Available at Amazon.com

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Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the COMMENTS link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

   Type Your Comment!

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Is Your Teenager Living His Life Through TV?

Dr. Parnell loves to tell stories, like the one about Darrel and his dad. Darrel's dad, an UPS driver, brought his boy into see Dr. Parnell, a pediatrician, for a check-up. They began arguing about who watched more TV. It turns out the father watched 3-4 hours a night when he could have spent more time enjoying his family.

Dr. Parnell sees TV as an addiction because many children, as well as, adults spend too much time watching and not enough time living their own lives. He researched the American Academy of Pediatrics and presented their recommendations:

Here are 5 of 9 suggestions you can start today:

1. Keep TV sets out of your child's bedroom.

2. Record high quality TV programs to watch after homework is completed.

3. View programs with your child and discuss their thoughts during the commercials.

4. Allow no more than 1-2 hours of TV per day.

5. Encourage children to play, read, practice sports, and develop hobbies. (From page 184)

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I appreciate the wisdom Dr. Parnell offers. His stories are real and insightful. You almost feel like you're sitting in on his conversations with teens. He also backs up his advice with research which gives you confidence that his ideas are valuable.

Let's THANK Dr. Parnell Donahue for his tireless work in helping parents understand their teenagers and his practical parenting advise.

Dr. Parnell Donahue

Pick up Messengers in Denim

Available at Amazon.com  

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   Type Your Comment!

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Does Your Family Include A Heroic Teenager?

 This Responsible Teen Needs Help

"Our family is going through some tough times. My mom's stressed and works from 4:30 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. My dad needs lots of help because he has cancer. My older sisters live far away and have their own families. So I'm in charge.

"I cook, clean, and help my parents. I'm not exactly complaining, but add all that to homework! (Our teachers are really piling it on.) Please help me with a system to get stuff done fast!" -15-year-old (From page 65)

Advice from Counselor, Annie Fox

After empathizing, Annie made the following suggestions for creating a system:

1. Let your teachers know what's going on at home and ask them to ease up at this time.

2. Make a list of your daily tasks at home that must be done.

3. Add the home responsibilities to the list that need to be done a few times a week.

4. Take care of your duties to your family and your schoolwork.

5. Give yourself 30-60 minutes every day to chill out as another way to help yourself. (From pages 212-213)

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I like Annie's advice because she gives this girl much needed appreciation first. Annie knows she can't lift this child's burdens, but she can help her with a practical system. Her last piece of advice, to take time for herself, helps puts a little balance in this girl's life. What do you think?

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Pick up Annie Fox's book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People: Progressive Parenting For The 21st Century

Available at Amazon.com

Let's APPRECIATE Annie Fox for her gift in helping teenagers with their problems. Annie knows how to be specific and positive.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Your Teenager's Sense of Betrayal and Your Feelings of Guilt

Sue Scheff agrees it's difficult to convince your out-of-control teen to agree to go to the residential treatment center. Most adolescents feel betrayed and no parent looks forward to the angry words and tantrums. In fact, Sue knows the guilt a parent feels since she had to face the same problem with her daughter.

Sue advises that a good treatment program will help with your teen's sense of betrayal and your guilt. A good program will get your teen to take responsibility for her behavior that brought her there. Most programs, says Sue, remove all privileges and your teenager must earn each reward. In this way, your teen begins to cooperate.

To calm your guilt, Sue counsels you to learn the details of the program, your teenager's day, and every aspect of your child's life in the facility. Then, she says, "Give yourself time to fight it (the guilt) off."

Getting Your Teenager to the Treatment Facility

Some fortunate parents convince their teens to go but not many in comparison to those who rebel. So what do you do? Here are two suggestions:

1. Be deceptive. Get your adolescent to the facility when she thinks you're taking her somewhere else.

2. "Ask the treatment facility for a list of recommended escort services that you can contact and interview to determine which one you desire to work with." Sue instructs parents to compare rates, availability, and procedures.

If you choose the second, the escort service may come before dawn while your child is sleeping and is taken off guard. It also assures your teen arrives during daylight hours. (From pages 117-123)

Sue Scheff has researched many resources for parents to consider. She is the founder of Parents' Universal Resource Experts, Inc. (P.U.R.E.). Since 2001 Sue has assisted families with valuable information and resources for their children and teens who are struggling with today's peer pressure, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and simply good kids starting to make bad choices. (From page 169)

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Let's PRAISE Sue for her research into the best programs for your out-of-control teenagers. The story she shares about her daughter in Wits End will save you much grief if you follow Sue's advice.

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Pick up Wit's End: Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen to get the information you need.

Available at Amazon.com

       Sue Scheff

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   Type Your Comment!

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Is Your Angry Teen Out-of-Control?

Therapeutic Boarding School (T.B.S.)

This place is set up to provide an environment for positive emotional growth, with an emphasis on behavior modification.

Is There a Difference between a Therapeutic Boarding School and a Residential Treatment Center?

The goal is pursued by a carefully designed and regulated daily life for each student. The program's overall structure mixes the practice of life skills with academics and therapy. The therapeutic aspect of a T.B.S., however, is not as intense as that of a Residential Treatment Center.

How Much Therapy Will Your Child Receive?

At a Therapeutic Boarding School, a child may only expect to participate in one-on-one therapy sessions as infrequently as once a week, or even biweekly. Group therapy is usually held every day, but positive social skills can also come from the atmosphere itself.

There may be a licensed therapist on staff, but not necessarily on site. Young people can be transported to the therapist for examinations or scheduled sessions, as needed.

What's the Working Philosophy of Good Therapeutic Boarding Schools?

A T.B.S. uses what I call an all-encompassing approach. It is a comprehensive program that integrates all aspects of emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Their working philosophy is that a well-structured, positive, respectful, and disciplined living experience that is conducted over months at a time will be absorbed by the child as a natural process.

Is There Discipline in a Therapeutic Boarding School?

Because we are all creatures with a survival instinct, every human being can be counted on to move toward experiences that are rewarding and move away from those that are not. The enforced discipline at a T.B.S. keeps the child in a position to directly control how satisfactory his experience is in that place. Approval, comfort, the respect of others, and the respect of oneself combine to forge powerful exchanges. (From pages 106-107)

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From Sue Scheff's description of the T.B.S. parents can be ready with questions when they're thinking of sending their teen to such a school. Questions like: 1. How often and what kind of therapy do you offer your students? What is your philosophy for helping students? How long does the average student stay? How do you discipline offending students? How much does it cost? These questions and more should help you decide your next step.

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Pick up Wit's End: Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen

Available at Amazon.com

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Let's give Sue Scheff a HAND for sharing the true story with her daughter and the nightmare of a facility she unwittingly sent her daughter to. Sue knows that parents with out-of-control teens would never knowingly send their child to such a place. That's why Sue has done the research and is the founder of Parents' Universal Resource Experts. She offers many different solutions and recommends the best facilities. 

      Sue Scheff

Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the COMMENTS link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Does Your Child Love TV?

The Truth about TV

A lot of today's parents were raised with television--cable television to boot. They think, "Well, look at me. I turned out all right. All this worry about TV viewing is just a bunch of hysteria from experts who don't have anything else to get worked up about."

Like other parents, they want what is best for their kids; they believe kids, even infants, can learn by watching TV. But research has documented that even "educational" shows and videos, while they may teach catchy rhymes or even the ABC's, have an overall negative effect on learning.

Let's Look at the Facts

In reviewing medical literature the past few months, I made a list of some of the possible harmful effects associated with watching too much television:

. Delayed vocabulary acquisition in children ages 8 through 16 months

. Shortened attention span

. Increased risk of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

. Sleep problems--trouble going to sleep, increased waking during the night and increased tiredness during the day, difficulty waking in the morning

. Increased consumption of caffeine

. Increased consumption of snack foods

. Increased fat in diet

. Decreased physical activity

. Obesity

. Increased risk of smoking

. Increased risk of using pot or other drugs

. Increased use of alcohol

. Younger age of initiating sexual activity

. Increased aggressive behavior

. Increased delinquency

Before we go any further, let me point out that it is often very difficult to assign causality just because two things occurred together. However, the above evidence is enough to make parents and doctors concerned that TV viewing contributes to many, if not all, of the above. And, what harm can come from not watching TV? (From pages 182 - 183.)

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Did you like Dr. Parnell's rational approach to the truth about television? First, he took time to read medical literature, and then he summarized with bullets what he found. He also mentioned the difference between two things occurring together and causality. Finally he asks, "What harm can come from not watching TV?

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American Academy of Pediatrics Recommends 

To find out the nine positive recommendations regarding children and television go to pages 184-185 in

Messengers in Denim: The Amazing Things Parents Can Learn from Teens

Available at Amazon.com

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Let's give Dr. Parnell Donahue our GRATITUDE for helping us with character building and television. His work may help many parents make wiser decisions about what their children watch.

Doctor Donahue

Hopefully, we'll be more careful regarding the power of TV to influence the young minds of our children. And one more thing, do you think that bad actions are glorified on TV or that your young watcher is often persuaded to be on the side of the offender?

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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