Listening to tattling is like scratching a swollen mosquito bite. If you listen to it over and over, it will get worse. Tattling becomes your child’s habit. Screaming becomes your cure, but only for the moment.
There is a better way. Today we’ll show a video to stop the tattling. You’ll see within the video a father who asks his daughter,
“Are you trying to help or hurt your sister?”
If she’s tattling to get her sister in trouble, he tells her:
“Please try to solve the problem yourself. Then come back and tell me how you solved it.”
Two Parenting Goals for Problem-Solving
To increase problem-solving with your positive attention.
To decrease tattling.
Listening Is the Gift Your Child Wants
The Problem-Solving Gift
Imagine you’re the girl’s father. When she returns to share her solution, listen. Good listening is a hug without words. It is filled with your attention. It is peaceful and loving. It is your gift to her.
How Listening Shows Caring:
Good listening avoids judging or arguing. It really wants to know your child’s thoughts and feelings. If there is something you don’t understand, ask questions after she’s done speaking.
Here is what you might say when your child shares her solution:
Let’s talk about your solution.
What voice did you use and what did you say?
How did it end?
How did you feel after you solved it?
What do you need to do to avoid a conflict next time?
What do you think of your becoming a problem-solver?
Can you guess how proud I am of you?
In the end, you want your child to be able to say, “ You really listened. You really care about how I think.”
Listening is a gift that can be used over and over in many different situations, not just tattling. Why? Because listening with love is what your child wants. It creates a bond with your child and harmony in your home. Yes, it takes more time and it is rewarding. It is a great way to teach problem-solving.
This brief video shares more ways to stop the tattling:
Disaster news is everywhere. TV, newspapers, social media and even billboard reminders are appearing in some places.
Children are home. Parents are home. Everyone is scared.
Today's 3 Practical Parenting Steps:
Review the 9 listening skills.
Learn the drawing technique by using it to calm yourself first.
Teach the drawing technique to your child.
9 Listening Skills Effective Parents Need
Review the following listening tips:
Listen with direct eye contact, a caring smile and both ears.
Ask questions to be sure you understand.
Be patient. Give enough time for your child to form thoughts.
Repeat your child's ideas in your own words. Follow up with, “Is that correct?”
Encourage continued sharing by saying, “Tell me more.”
Walk in your child's shoes. With empathy try to feel what he’s feeling.
Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Listen to the end.
Share your thoughts after your child's finished..
Begin by reflecting feelings. “It sounds like you’re (upset or sad or confused, etc.).”
You Are the Best Counselor for Your Kids
Kids Trust Parents to Help Them
As a counselor for many years, I’ve used the drawing strategy below with children and adults. It works. Why? Because it's a unique way of understanding feelings, especially fears.
When you listen well, teach practical skills and show caring, your child trusts you and feels loved. Love and trust make you the most powerful counselor of all.
9 Ways Parents Can Calm Themselves and Their Children
Drawing Calms Your Kid's Anxiety
Ask your boy or girl to, “Draw a picture of the fear.”
Probe Gently: “What does your picture mean to you?”
Say, “Tell me more,” several times until you hear all the anxious thoughts.
Say, “Draw how you would like to feel.” Then say, “Tell me about your new picture.”
Suggest, “Let's brainstorm what you could do to make your picture come true.” Wait patiently for your child’s ideas first.
Say, “Write down 3 small ways you can make your positive picture come true.
Say, “Pick one little step to try now."
Instruct your child, "Visualize your new picture clearly. Feel it and give it a positive title. Then post it on the fridge." Give your child all the time he or she needs.
Praise your child for calming his fear.
Discuss the second and third small steps in the following days to reinforce over time what has been learned.
Drawing an optimistic picture gives your child power over the fear. By visualizing it, feeling it and giving it a positive title, your child changes his scary mindset. Posting it on the fridge becomes a strong reminder to "stay calm and carry on." Use this technique as often as your child needs.
Consider applying it for any painful emotion your child may experience. You could even use it as a home schooling strategy.
You might like this video because it also reinforces the steps:
How Parents Help Anxious Kids Feel Confident
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Timid kids feel pain. Parents watch and suffer. Loneliness wins.
Imagine your child sitting alone in the lunchroom thinking,
“No one will sit with me. Nobody likes me.”
What does she feel? Does she rush to the bathroom and hide until classes start again?
Bashful kids don’t have to be friendless. You can help. There is a 3-part blueprint that works.
Go slow. Keep the steps small. Why? Because shy kids are overwhelmed by fearful thoughts and feelings. Big leaps don’t work.
3 Don’ts for Overcoming Shyness
Don’t speak up for your children because they’ll lose the chance to speak up for themselves.
Don’t make excuses for your children because they’ll rely on those excuses and not try.
Don’t put your children down for being shy because your comments will add to their misery.
3 Do’s for Helping Shy Kids Make Friends
Do ask if they’d like to make friends because you want to know if they’ll cooperate.
Do ask, “What stops you from making friends?" because the answer is important and will help you guide them with the blueprint.
Do tell them that making friends is a skill they can learn because it will give them the hope they need.
A Few Friends Can Make a Big Difference.
Shy kids need your patience because impatience shuts them down. Remember, even tiny steps require taking risks. Your children may never become an outgoing extrovert or big talker. But, with your help, they can overcome loneliness and satisfy their need for a few close friends.
Pick up the Blueprint by inserting the code, SPEAK UP at:
The entitled child believes everything should go his way. He acts like he’s the king of the universe. Justin was such a boy.
Whenever Justin’s younger brother, Seth, wouldn’t play Justin’s video games with him, he’d punch Seth and yell, “I hate you!” When his mom scolded Justin, he’d sass back, “You always take Seth’s side,” then slam his bedroom door.
If Justin was your son, would you want to hit him? Would you yell, “I’m sick and tired of your angry behavior!” and preach the same old lecture?
Consider having a conversation with Justin when both of you are calm.
Teaching the Entitled Child How to Be Realistic
Use yourself as an example. It might go something like this:
Mom: Remember when I arranged a birthday party for Grandpa?
Mom: I was frustrated because only three of our family members came. I really felt mad inside. I wanted to tell those who didn’t come what I thought of them.
Justin: Did you?
Mom: No, because I remembered something Grandpa taught me as a child. He’d say, “Sally, you’re not the Queen of the Universe. Things don’t have to go your way.”
Justin: How did that help you?
Mom: Can you guess?
Mom: Because if I was the queen, I could make everybody do what I want.
Justin: But you’re not the queen so you couldn't force everyone to come to Grandpa's party.
Mom: That’s right. How might that thought help you?
Justin: I’m not the King of the Universe so things don't have to go my way either.
Mom: Right. What about Seth not playing your video games?
Mom: How can we remind ourselves that we’re not the king or queen of the universe?
Justin: Let’s make 2 signs that say, “I’m Not the King,” and “I’m Not the Queen” and post them on the fridge.
Mom: And every time we stop ourselves from losing our tempers let’s make a tally mark on our signs.
Conclusion for Helping Entitled Kids Become Reasonable
Entitled kids need to know that life isn’t fair, doesn’t cater to what they want, and can be disappointing at times. You can teach them with reasonable self-talk how to be more rational about life. None of us is the king or queen of the universe. Things often don't go our way. Sometimes we need to be patient and accept that fact. And sometimes it becomes a challenge to creatively overcome the problem.
As the parent, you are the best one to teach him this lesson by being reasonable yourself and having good discussions with him. Start with a true story about when you were angry and irrational. He won't feel like you're pointing a finger at him and he'll like spending private time with you.
Do your kids bicker? Is it grating on your nerves? Some quarreling is normal. But if your kids continually fight, it’s a telling sign to “Detour! Danger Ahead!”
My brother and I fought so much that years later my mother told me, “I thought you were going to kill each other.” A slight exaggeration but we did yell, wrestle, and throw some punches. Underneath it all, I really did love him and if anyone criticized him, I ached inside.
When we fought our mother would yell, “Stop!” She’d complain. She’d even lecture. But she had been an only child and never experienced sibling rivalry. She didn’t have a clue how to help us be civil and neither did we.
How Do I Teach My Kids Assertive Skills?
Assertive role-playing can be taught using “Instant Replay.” This parenting technique is assertive because kids must come up with their own answers and then act them out. It uses Time Out.
I remember being sent to bed after many a fight. It often lasted the whole afternoon, but it didn’t work. I just took long naps.
With Instant Replay you separate your kids and send them to different boring places within your home. They come back to you after each child brainstorms 3 good ways they could have handled their disagreement without fighting. Then you tell them, “Act out the best one. When done, they shake hands and are free to go off to play.
I like this strategy because you’re no longer the judge and jury. You don’t choose who’s right and who’s wrong. You don’t even come up with solutions. Your children solve their own problems.
The Assertive Formula
The Assertive Formula Works
This formula includes 5 parts:
The Assertive Voice
The Assertive Face
The Assertive Posture
The Assertive Words
The Assertive Role-Play
The video below shows parents and children several simple suggestions to practice within each part.
Before teaching this formula, I suggest practicing it with your partner first. Why? Because your example is the most powerful way for kids to learn.
Broad-Minded Parents Help Kids Think Outside the Box.
It’s easier to unlock kid’s brains when parents are open to new ideas.
Today, we’ll look at 3 traps for close-minded parents and 3 advantages for being an open parent. We’ll also share 2 examples from your children’s lives that you can use immediately. They'll help your kids open their minds. At the end you'll find a new SlideShare with 7 open-minded discussion questions. I hope you'll use them with your children.
Narrow-Minded Parents Fall into 3 Traps When They:
Stop listening they end up turning their kids off.
Judge their children harshly when they don't agree.
Demand their kids think the same way they do.
When kids aren’t heard, feel judged, and experience mind control, they can:
Feel resentment toward parents.
Plug their ears.
Keep their real thoughts to themselves.
3 Advantages of Open-Minded Parents
They listen well which gives their children the attention and respect they want.
They receive respect from kids who may open their ears in return.
They find out what their kids really think and can better guide them.
How to Solve 2 Childhood Problems with Open Minds
Many Kids Engage in Bedtime Battles.
When parents are open to hearing their youngsters ideas, kids can look at bedtime decisions with fresh eyes.
Ask: “Should kids have the same bedtime on weekends as school nights?”
Let them share all their opinions, even if you don’t like them. Just listen.
Ask them to list all the reasons for the opposite side. Just listen.
Tell them to blend the best of both sides so both of you can accept them.
Now it’s your turn to share your opinions and the opposite side. Then blend the best of both.
Search for a compromise with your child. Take all the time you need.
Suggest you both try the new solution for a couple of weeks.
Signs that you both still need to compromise may be:
Your student doesn’t get up on time.
Your child yawns from tiredness at school and home.
Your child is cranky during the day because he’s tired.
Remember, when children get to participate in the rules, they are more likely to follow them.
Does Your Child Like Responsibilities?
Responsibilities restrict freedom. Yet to have a freedom, there is a matching responsibility. Here are some to consider:
Freedom to watch TV or play video games could mean completing homework first.
Freedom to eat a snack could mean cleaning the mess afterward.
Freedom to own a dog means feeding her and taking her for walks.
Discuss with your youngster more freedoms with related responsibilities.
Ask: “Is it important for kids to have responsibilities?”
Listen well as your child shares both pro and con ideas.
Ask questions that help your child think more deeply.
Give your ideas when your student is finished.
Ask, “Is there is a household responsibility you’d like to discuss?” If so, use the 2-sided method we used with the bedtime discussion.
Insist on respect throughtout.
Summary – How Parents Open Closed Minds
The advantages of being an open-minded parent are mutual listening, great discussions and acceptable solutions. Helping your kids see more than their point of view teaches them to become problem solvers and wise compromisers who think outside the box. Their brains won’t be chained to stubborn thinking either.
Open-Minded Discussions Promote Broad-Minded
Enjoy this SlideShare with additional questions for teaching open-mindedness with delightful discussions. The transcript is included. Feel free to copy it.
Parents Can Teach Children to Disagree with Respect
Any parent can teach kids to be open and respectful. But it takes practice. Today we'll share:
9 simple rules for open-minded disagreements
1 practice example about a sleepover
A 90 second video with 5 reasons why children love confiding in you
9 Rules for Conducting Open-Minded Arguments
Have you and your child ever yelled at each other? Did you feel guilty and wish it hadn't happened? I know the feeling.
Respectful Disagreements Take Practice
If you're like most parents, you'll have many disagreements with your kids. Now you can turn them into opportunities for open-minded discussions. If you do, you'll be teaching your child an important life skill.
How to teach your child 9 simple rules for open-minded respectful disagreements:
Both speak in a calm voice.
Both hear and repeat each other's words or ideas.
Both take time to find the good points in each other's thoughts.
Discuss each other's good points.
Create a compromise in which each side wins. at least, a little.
Avoid arguing, yelling, walking away, or being sarcastic.
If either side is disrespectful, make a future date to discuss the issue.
Keep that date and stay calm.
Praise your child for her respectful openness during the argument.
Use This Sleepover Example to Role-play:
Your 12 year-old son, George, is begging you to stay overnight with a friend you've never met. He says he doesn't know his mom's name or number. You want to introduce yourself and checkout the sleepover with her.
Teach Your Child to Think Clearly and Stay Calm
Use the 9 rules for staying open-minded and come to a consensus. In the end, remember you are still the parent and have the responsibility to make sure your child is safe. The final decision is yours even if your child is unhappy.
Closed-minded children, like adults, only want things their way. They won’t consider opposing evidence. They won’t admit when they're wrong. How do parents open kids' minds to other points of view?
Parents CAN Open Kids Minds
Today’s brand new video shows you how to raise open-minded thinkers. You’ll find out exactly what parents can do.
For example, discuss topics kids can relate to, like:
Make questions out of the topics and ask children to give two sides. The side they agree with and the side they oppose. They must give good reasons for each side. Finally, they must decide which side is best. They are free to compromise by blending the best ideas from each side.
Open-Minded Kids Consider Different Viewpoints
One huge goal is to help children understand why people think differently. Could appreciating opposing views be one way to learn cooperation, collaboration, and preserve freedom of expression? You be the judge.