Listening to tattling is like scratching a swollen mosquito bite. If you listen to it over and over, it will get worse. Tattling becomes your child’s habit. Screaming becomes your cure, but only for the moment.
There is a better way. Today we’ll show a video to stop the tattling. You’ll see within the video a father who asks his daughter,
“Are you trying to help or hurt your sister?”
If she’s tattling to get her sister in trouble, he tells her:
“Please try to solve the problem yourself. Then come back and tell me how you solved it.”
Two Parenting Goals for Problem-Solving
To increase problem-solving with your positive attention.
To decrease tattling.
Listening Is the Gift Your Child Wants
The Problem-Solving Gift
Imagine you’re the girl’s father. When she returns to share her solution, listen. Good listening is a hug without words. It is filled with your attention. It is peaceful and loving. It is your gift to her.
How Listening Shows Caring:
Good listening avoids judging or arguing. It really wants to know your child’s thoughts and feelings. If there is something you don’t understand, ask questions after she’s done speaking.
Here is what you might say when your child shares her solution:
Let’s talk about your solution.
What voice did you use and what did you say?
How did it end?
How did you feel after you solved it?
What do you need to do to avoid a conflict next time?
What do you think of your becoming a problem-solver?
Can you guess how proud I am of you?
In the end, you want your child to be able to say, “ You really listened. You really care about how I think.”
Listening is a gift that can be used over and over in many different situations, not just tattling. Why? Because listening with love is what your child wants. It creates a bond with your child and harmony in your home. Yes, it takes more time and it is rewarding. It is a great way to teach problem-solving.
This brief video shares more ways to stop the tattling:
The entitled child believes everything should go his way. He acts like he’s the king of the universe. Justin was such a boy.
Whenever Justin’s younger brother, Seth, wouldn’t play Justin’s video games with him, he’d punch Seth and yell, “I hate you!” When his mom scolded Justin, he’d sass back, “You always take Seth’s side,” then slam his bedroom door.
If Justin was your son, would you want to hit him? Would you yell, “I’m sick and tired of your angry behavior!” and preach the same old lecture?
Consider having a conversation with Justin when both of you are calm.
Teaching the Entitled Child How to Be Realistic
Use yourself as an example. It might go something like this:
Mom: Remember when I arranged a birthday party for Grandpa?
Mom: I was frustrated because only three of our family members came. I really felt mad inside. I wanted to tell those who didn’t come what I thought of them.
Justin: Did you?
Mom: No, because I remembered something Grandpa taught me as a child. He’d say, “Sally, you’re not the Queen of the Universe. Things don’t have to go your way.”
Justin: How did that help you?
Mom: Can you guess?
Mom: Because if I was the queen, I could make everybody do what I want.
Justin: But you’re not the queen so you couldn't force everyone to come to Grandpa's party.
Mom: That’s right. How might that thought help you?
Justin: I’m not the King of the Universe so things don't have to go my way either.
Mom: Right. What about Seth not playing your video games?
Mom: How can we remind ourselves that we’re not the king or queen of the universe?
Justin: Let’s make 2 signs that say, “I’m Not the King,” and “I’m Not the Queen” and post them on the fridge.
Mom: And every time we stop ourselves from losing our tempers let’s make a tally mark on our signs.
Conclusion for Helping Entitled Kids Become Reasonable
Entitled kids need to know that life isn’t fair, doesn’t cater to what they want, and can be disappointing at times. You can teach them with reasonable self-talk how to be more rational about life. None of us is the king or queen of the universe. Things often don't go our way. Sometimes we need to be patient and accept that fact. And sometimes it becomes a challenge to creatively overcome the problem.
As the parent, you are the best one to teach him this lesson by being reasonable yourself and having good discussions with him. Start with a true story about when you were angry and irrational. He won't feel like you're pointing a finger at him and he'll like spending private time with you.
Aggressive kids, like Joey aren't liked. He hated waiting in line at the water fountain. He'd shove the kids lined up ahead of him. They'd fall forward like dominoes. The first child always hit his face while drinking. Joey laughed. I visited his parents and had a glimpse into Joey's life at home.
The father put his wife down several times during our conversation. She looked straight into my eyes but said nothing. Tears ran down her face.
When parents model meanness, children pick it up. Joey was mean. He didn't know how to relate to others.
I found out that Joey's dad was too busy to spend time with Joey. Joey didn't feel important. He didn't feel love from his dad. As we ended the meeting, Joey's father promised to spend time with him. He and his wife decided to work on their relationship too.
Parents Must Model How Children Can Assert Themselves
Teaching children how to assert themselves, speak up with respect, and be friendly starts at home. Parents must model how to communicate well. If they don't know how, they can learn. The following article will show how.
1. An empowering formula for teaching kids assertiveness skills
2. 5 assertive role-plays to practice at the dinner table
3. A fun family activity
4. An assertive poem for kids
How Joey Became Assertive
Joey told me with a big smile that his dad playfully put shaving cream on his face and let him shave it off with an empty razor. It made a real difference. Joey, over a matter of weeks, stopped shoving kids and started making friends. A greater respect developed between Joey's parents. Soon they were ready to learn the Assertiveness Formula within this article:
You can raise assertive children by practicing the formula within your family. Advise your kids to use it with others too. If you do, they'll learn to speak up for themselves, make friends, and become respectful communicators too.
Watch our brief video on assertiveness:
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Broad-Minded Parents Help Kids Think Outside the Box.
It’s easier to unlock kid’s brains when parents are open to new ideas.
Today, we’ll look at 3 traps for close-minded parents and 3 advantages for being an open parent. We’ll also share 2 examples from your children’s lives that you can use immediately. They'll help your kids open their minds. At the end you'll find a new SlideShare with 7 open-minded discussion questions. I hope you'll use them with your children.
Narrow-Minded Parents Fall into 3 Traps When They:
Stop listening they end up turning their kids off.
Judge their children harshly when they don't agree.
Demand their kids think the same way they do.
When kids aren’t heard, feel judged, and experience mind control, they can:
Feel resentment toward parents.
Plug their ears.
Keep their real thoughts to themselves.
3 Advantages of Open-Minded Parents
They listen well which gives their children the attention and respect they want.
They receive respect from kids who may open their ears in return.
They find out what their kids really think and can better guide them.
How to Solve 2 Childhood Problems with Open Minds
Many Kids Engage in Bedtime Battles.
When parents are open to hearing their youngsters ideas, kids can look at bedtime decisions with fresh eyes.
Ask: “Should kids have the same bedtime on weekends as school nights?”
Let them share all their opinions, even if you don’t like them. Just listen.
Ask them to list all the reasons for the opposite side. Just listen.
Tell them to blend the best of both sides so both of you can accept them.
Now it’s your turn to share your opinions and the opposite side. Then blend the best of both.
Search for a compromise with your child. Take all the time you need.
Suggest you both try the new solution for a couple of weeks.
Signs that you both still need to compromise may be:
Your student doesn’t get up on time.
Your child yawns from tiredness at school and home.
Your child is cranky during the day because he’s tired.
Remember, when children get to participate in the rules, they are more likely to follow them.
Does Your Child Like Responsibilities?
Responsibilities restrict freedom. Yet to have a freedom, there is a matching responsibility. Here are some to consider:
Freedom to watch TV or play video games could mean completing homework first.
Freedom to eat a snack could mean cleaning the mess afterward.
Freedom to own a dog means feeding her and taking her for walks.
Discuss with your youngster more freedoms with related responsibilities.
Ask: “Is it important for kids to have responsibilities?”
Listen well as your child shares both pro and con ideas.
Ask questions that help your child think more deeply.
Give your ideas when your student is finished.
Ask, “Is there is a household responsibility you’d like to discuss?” If so, use the 2-sided method we used with the bedtime discussion.
Insist on respect throughtout.
Summary – How Parents Open Closed Minds
The advantages of being an open-minded parent are mutual listening, great discussions and acceptable solutions. Helping your kids see more than their point of view teaches them to become problem solvers and wise compromisers who think outside the box. Their brains won’t be chained to stubborn thinking either.
Open-Minded Discussions Promote Broad-Minded
Enjoy this SlideShare with additional questions for teaching open-mindedness with delightful discussions. The transcript is included. Feel free to copy it.
OPEN-MINDED KIDS ARE SKILLED THINKERS. They learn to see more than one side of issues, problems, and discussions. They think bigger than one-sided kids.
How Sophie Opened Her Mind
I spoke with a 4th grade girl, named Sophie, (Identity concealed) who told me how she changed her mind. Her teacher asked, “Should school be year-round?” Sophie said a loud, “No!”
But the teacher told the class to study both sides. Sophie did her research. This is what she found that could happen if school was year-round:
The school day would be shorter.
There would be more but shorter vacations.
There would be fun after-school programs.
Daycare wouldn’t cost parents so much because of the after-school programs. The 3-month summer vacation would be eliminated so no need for daycare then either.
Teachers wouldn’t need to waste time reviewing what the children forgot due to the summer vacations.
Sophie opened her mind to these new ideas. She decided “Yes,” school should be year-round.
Sophie had an open-minded teacher who asked open-minded questions. She taught kids to see issues from both sides. Each child was free to come up with their own conclusions.
The Difference between Open Minds and Closed Minds
Close-Minded Thinkers Won't Listen to New Ideas
Open-minded children don’t try to win arguments. They avoid stubbornly sticking to their own viewpoint. They are willing to change their opinions with new information.
Closed-minded kids won’t listen to others’ ideas. They believe they already know what’s best.
How Parents Raise Kids with Open-Minded Discussions
Sample Question: Should Parents Make Kids Try
Be the parent who uses discussions to open your kids’ minds. Discuss topics that interest them. Get them to consider both the side they favor and the one they disagree with. When they have enough information, ask them what they favor now and why. If you do, they'll become BIGGER thinkers.
For more parenting strategies and stories to raise your children's consciousness, read full article at: