Friendship Problems and How Teenagers Can Solve Them!

The Difficult Friendship Problem I asked my friend, Annie Fox, to discuss involves suicide. It's a tough subject to talk about but Annie said, "Yes."

I asked Annie because she is launching her new book, The Girls' Q & A Book on Friendship. I loved the format she used in her book and hoped she'd discuss my questions using the same format. She did.

Here Are My 5 Questions:

1. What advice would you give a girl who’s deeply affected by her friend’s recent suicide attempt?

Parents should be open to having conversations with their daughter about her feelings. She may not want to talk, but an encouraging, invitation to talk is important. Parents might say something like this, “We are upset about what happened. And of course, we see that you are too. We need to talk about it, as a family.” Obviously, parents can’t answer the question the girl might be focused on: “Why did she do it?” No one knows why. The friend herself may not exactly know why. And that frustration in not knowing, should acknowledged along with the fear behind this question: “What if she tries to do it again?” 

When Your Child Needs Help

Parents should be on the look-out for signs that their daughter is not bouncing back from this shock. Is she having trouble sleeping? Changing patterns of eating? Less interested in activities that usually give her joy and satisfaction?  Pushing away parents and friends? Shutting down conversation about how she’s feeling and/or acting? If the girl who is “deeply affected” by her friend’s troubled act, does not seem to be showing resilience in a week or so, she may need to speak with a counselor or a therapist. I always encourage parents who are concerned about the emotional well-being of their teens to seek professional help. The school counselor is a good place to start. If needed, he or she can probably provide some recommendations for family therapists in the community.

2. What can the girl do to help herself deal with the shock?

As I said above, the most important way of dealing with the shock is to have a safe place to talk about the shock and the residual feelings/thoughts in as much detail as needed. This is probably best accomplished with the support of a community-based psychologist or a licensed MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist). Choose someone who specializes in working with teens and depression. Not to infer that the girl is “depressed” but a therapist with this kind of experience is well-versed in helping people who are affected by a close friend or family member suffering from depression.

It's Not Your Fault.

3. How can the girl help her friend want to keep living?

That’s a tricky one! A girl, who is so troubled that she would attempt to take her own life, has deep problems that no friend, no matter how compassionate and encouraging, is equipped to handle. It’s important that the girl recognize this, otherwise she’s likely to think it is her job, as a bff, to help her friend want to keep living. And if, heaven forbid, the friend has another downward turn and again attempts suicide (which is often the case, especially with girls) well, some day she is likely to succeed in ending her life. If that happened, it would be an added tragedy for the girl to feel guilty or in any way to blame herself for her friend’s death. 

Hopefully, the friend is getting the ongoing treatment she needs to feel happier and healthier, and to minimize her risk of spiraling down. There are things, though, that the girl can do to help her friend in the aftermath of a suicide attempt. For example, she should continue being the wonderful, caring friend she’s always been. She may also take on the role of a “buffer” to help protect her friend from the comments of others. What often happens in these situations, after a suicide attempt (especially when word gets out) other people may be unkind or insensitive to the girl who attempted to kill herself. That’s not going to make things easy for her at school or online.

Be Caring. Be a Buffer. 

4.  What should the girl say to the kids at school who are curious about it?

It is not the girl’s job to be a spokesperson or a communications director for her friend. For anyone who approaches her for “comment”, the best response would be to say something like this, “She doing better and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m sure you can understand. I’m her friend and I respect that. You should respect that too. She just wants to be treated like normal. We can all do that, right?”

5. Is there anything the girl’s family can do for her friend’s family?

Teen suicide is the 3^rd cause of death in US teens (11%), after accidents (48%) and homicides (13%). Yet there is a strong social stigma on suicide plus the inference that  the victim’s parents are somehow to blame. This prevents parents (who are already confused, distraught and feeling isolated) from reaching out for support. It also makes friends and family reluctant to reach out. If the girl’s family is close to the friend’s family, then it would be a kind and compassionate act to pick up the phone and show your support. It may not be the easiest conversation to begin, but you might simply say, “I heard about what happened, and I just want you to know that I care about ____ and I’m thinking about you and your family.” Simple words that could have such a positive effect on the friend’s parents.

Reach Out to the Friend's Family.

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I hope you can see Annie's wisdom in her replies to my questions. You'll find the same thoughtful answers in the 50 questions real girls asked Annie. None of the questions are about suicide but they are about the many social challenges girls face when friends let them down.

Pick Up Annie's Brand New Book: 

The Girls' Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA

Available at: Amazon.com

Let's give SPECIAL THANKS to Annie Fox for answering the tough questions about friendship and suicide.

      Annie Fox

Please click on the Comments link below. It will open up for you. We'd love to hear your thoughts.

 
With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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When Parents Are Rude to Kids

If you’re a parent who uses sarcasm, rude remarks, or putdowns, you can change. In today's blog you’ll read about a thoughtful teen’s concerns. You'll also hear advice from our parenting skills expert, Annie Fox, M.Ed, who wrote Teaching Kids To Be Good People. I will add my impressions too.

What a Sympathetic 15-Year-Old Boy Writes to Annie

"I'm really a sensitive guy. People have turned away from me since I was 10.” He tells Annie he knows what it feels like to be rejected. Now he sees his parents rejecting his 8-year-old sister with their rude remarks.  He can see in his sister’s eyes her loneliness. “She has no friends,” he says. “I feel her pain.” (from page 135)

Annie’s Expert Advice

First, Annie empathizes with the boy. She lets him know he’s a compassionate and kind-hearted person. She suggests he step in and help his sister. “Tell her she is not alone. That you’re her friend and you’ll watch over her.”

Here’s the hard one. Annie tells him to talk to his parents respectfully. “Tell them what you have observed.” (from page 222)

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Jean’s Thoughts

We all need someone in our corner, someone who understands our feelings and who is there for us. Annie encouraged the boy to be that person for his sister.

I also like Annie’s approach because she urged him to tell his parents the behaviors he observed. That’s different from calling them “rude.” Observations are easier to accept. Name calling could cause a big defensive fight from his parents.

How could parents know if they’re rude to their children?

Rude Parents Might Say:

1. “You’re a knucklehead!”

2. “Don’t be so stupid.”

3. “What’s wrong with you?”

4. “I’m ashamed of you.”

5. “When are you ever going to learn?”

Perhaps you’ve said similar things to your kids or even worse like, “I wish you were never born.” Maybe you thought your comments would help your kids make positive changes. Or you could have repeated the words your own parents said to you.

If you are rude or critical and want to change, you can.

First, admit it.

Second, realize your remarks are hurting not helping.

Third, make a plan with or without your spouse for changing these behaviors.

Apologize whenever you’re unkind and then follow your plan. If you do, you’ll be helping your child and yourself become the positive character building people you were meant to be.

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Let's THANK Annie for sharing from her book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People: Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century.

   Annie Fox, M.Ed.

Pick up her book on Amazon.com and read many more letters from worried teenagers. You'll find Annie's wise advice too.

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Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Click on the Comments link below. It will open up for you. We'd love to hear from you.

 
With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Powerful Parents Teach Values

Parents have power. Research proves it. Our parenting skills expert and author of Tools for Effective Parenting, Dr. Parnell Donahue, is here to share the research. He'll discuss the story of Luke, 3 studies, and how to use your power to share your values.

The Story of Luke and His Powerful Dad

Luke came to Dr. Parnell for his annual physical. As usual they had a chat first. On this particular day 16-year-old Luke talked about his Dad. He revealed that his dad would kill him if he ever smoked, drank, or had sex. When Dr. Parnell asked, "Your dad would kill you?" He said, "Oh, no, no." He said that it would probably kill his dad if he did those things.

Luke's dad was the kind of father who talked with, listened to, and shared his values with his son. Because Luke loved and respected his dad, he adopted his morals.

Parents Exert Power through Influence

Dr. Parnell believes too many parents think they have no impact on their kids' beliefs and behaviors. Yet every study Dr. Parnell has read shows that kids listen to and respect their parents.

Research and Parent Power

1. In the 2005 the Horatio Alger Survey of teens ages 14-19 years showed that most kids named a parent, sibling or other family member as a role model.

2. One summer Dr. Parnell asked 103 of the teens he evaluated, "Who most influences your values of right and wrong?" Again, most said mom, dad, or their parents.

3. A study from the University of Minnesota which included 12,000 teens from 7th to 12th grades concluded: "If parents expect adolescents to get good grades and refrain from sex, those expectations influence the adolescents' behavior powerfully through 12th grade, regardless of family income, race, or single or dual-parent status." (page 32)

Using Your Parenting Power

1. Without lectures, clarify your values with your kids.

2. Use teaching moments and discuss everyday stories and events in which people get drunk, wear inappropriate clothes, behave in anger and shoot others, get busted for drugs, and get pregnant as teens. "There is no better way-perhaps no other way-to teach values," says Dr. Parnell.

3. Model your values.

4. Make sure your kids feel loved by you. (From pages 29-34)

Dr. Parnell believes that when you listen to your teenager, discuss your values, and show your love, your power to influence will be strong.

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The fact that Dr. Parnell is a pediatrician, likes kids, teaches awesome parenting skills, and knows his research, makes him the expert we need to listen to. His new book, Tools for Effective Parenting, has the power to help parents everywhere.

Available at Amazon.com 

Let's THANK Dr. Parnell for his dedication to helping children and parents.

Dr. Parnell Donahue

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Disciplining Teenagers Isn't Always Easy

If your teenager fights your discipline and you feel unsure about what to do, our parenting skills expert, Annie Fox, is here to help. She authored the amazing book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People. You'll find out what a 15-year-old girl did, how her parents disciplined her, and their doubt about their methods. Annie will share her response to the parents.

The Problem:

A 15-year-old daughter was told she couldn't date an 18-year-old boy. She acted like she agreed but she dated the young man behind their backs.

If This Was Your Teenager, What Would You Do?

1. Would you shrug your shoulders and give up?

2. Would you yell and scream?

3. Would you lecture her?

How the Parents Disciplined Her:

1. They took her cell phone away.

2. They grounded her.

3. They said they'd restore her privileges when the relationship was over.

The parents contacted Annie wondering if they overreacted. They wanted their daughter to understand their perspective. 

Annie's Wisdom for Parents

1. She agreed that the daughter was too young to date an 18-year-old.

2. She agreed that the daughter defied them.

3. She agreed that taking away the cell phone and grounding their daughter was appropriate.

4. She acknowledged that getting their daughter to understand their position was unlikely.

5. She also suggested, if their daughter didn't change her attitude, that the family see a family counselor. (Pages 121 and 220)

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Jean's Thoughts

I like Annie's wisdom. She analyzes difficult situations with clarity. Many parents experience the problem mentioned here. Sometimes they're uncomfortable and wonder if they were too harsh. Even when they're kind, firm, and consistent, their teenager is likely to fight hard to get her way. 

In my opinion, parents need to stick to their reasonable rules even when life at home is miserable. If they don't, their adolescent may treat them with even more disrespect and behave even worse. Why? Because they know they can get their parents to back down.

I agree with Annie that finding a good family counselor may be the best next step. If the teen rebels and won't attend, at least the parents will receive support and professional advice.

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Let's PRAISE Annie for her insights and support for parents and teenagers. She is an online advisor to teens and parents around the world. Annie has 30+ years of experience.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

Pick up Teaching Kids To Be Good People: Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century. You find the questions, stories, and advice you need.

Available at: Amazon.com

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Have Meaningful Discussions with Your Teenager

How to Prevent Teenagers from Talking

Dr. Par is able to extract sensitive material from teens when psychiatrists often fail. He says it's because many psychiatrists spend little time talking with their patients. They collect enough information to diagnose and prescribe. (Maybe their schedules stop them from more meaningful interactions.)

How to Help Teens to Communicate Their Troubles

1. Dr. Par avoids complicated medical words.

2. He avoids condemning their schoolmates or friends.

3. He makes boys comfortable by listening first.

4. Because they trust that Dr. Par really cares, they are curious about his thoughts and listen in return.

One Interview Mistake and One Solution for Comfortable Discussions with Male Adolescents

1. Avoid sitting across from your teenager because it can appear confrontational.

2. Sit side by side or shoulder to shoulder because it makes it easier for your young man to share sensitive material like his relationship with his girlfriend or drugs.

The Order of Questions to Ask When Discussing Issues

Remember, Dr. Par is not condemning during these questions. He is asking and listening.

1. What are the kids at school doing?

2. What do you think?

3. Can you tell me about your friends' activities?

4. What's going on with you?

Dr. Par makes the kids comfortable by showing he is listening and really cares. Now they want to know what he thinks. He shares his thoughts without telling them they are stupid or wrong. Because of his easy caring style and the fact that he listened first, they now listen to him. (From pages 237-238)

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I appreciate Dr. Donahue's method. Being a busy pediatrician didn't stop him from hearing and understanding his young patients. I believe he's just told us the best way to influence our teens.

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Discussion Story

One of my teenage sons, a reserved boy, didn't talk a lot. To understand him better I'd take him out to dinner once a week. We'd pick a quiet restaurant. I had some rules for myself:

1. Let him talk first.

2. Avoid being nosey.

3. Listen and say little.

4. Be approving.

Of course, I wanted to know what happened at the latest Friday night party. But I didn't probe. I let him tell me. Mostly, he talked about his music and why he liked it.

One day he told me, "Mom, you're my best friend." Even though it's years later, we continue to experience a deep connection.

That's why I strongly support Dr. Par's strategy. I know he's right because it works.

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Let's PRAISE for sharing his special method for helping teenage boys discuss their problems. He's shown us how easy it is to build a caring connection.

Dr. Parnell Donahue

Pick up a copy of his marvelous book, Messengers in Denim: The Amazing Things Parents Can Learn from Teens. He's filled it full of interesting stories with teens, golden nuggets for parenting, and medical advice.

          Available at Amazon.com

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Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the COMMENTS link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Help Angry Teenagers with These Responses

 Now we'll define juvenile domestic violence as a pattern of rough and domineering behaviors by juveniles against their parents and siblings. Next we'll give some examples. Then, Marney and Kimberly will share the 5 best responses a parent can use to dampen abusive situations.

4 Signs of Abuse by Teens in the Home Include:

• Shoving
• Hitting
• Threats to harm
• Using objects to hurt family members

Every family has arguments but they must not end in violence. You need to be concerned about your child and family when members are injured by explosive threats, actions, or gestures. Is there anything you can do reduce the flames of anger? Definitely!  Let's hear the advice of our authors.

How to De-escalate Hostile Behavior

1. Change the way you think about the behavior.
2. Stay out of power struggles.
3. Don't jump to conclusions about why your teen is so upset.
4. Realize you don't have the full story behind the anger.
5. Avoid using triggers like blaming, criticizing, or challenging.
6. Model how to handle situations calmly.

Take a "time out" for yourself if you can't do the above right away. Calm yourself down with deep breathing while counting to 10. Look in the mirror and practice the following responses with self-control, a serious and understanding face, and relaxed body language. When you're ready, talk to your teen with a stress-free voice.

5 Best Replies to Angry Teenagers

Pause and give time for your youngster to respond.

1. "You seem really upset."
2. "I understand how you're thinking about this issue. You know, there can be more than one way to look at things."
3. "You certainly have a right to your opinion, and I respect that."
4. "You know what? I appreciate your position, but I'm not in the mood to debate this at this time."
5. "I hear what you're saying." (From pages 99-101)

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I appreciate our authors' answers to upset teens. Their advice to pick the right time to talk with kids makes sense. Angry fights disconnect. Calm discussions reconnect and provide the opportunity for good solutions.

One more thing, if abuse in your family persists, you may need professional help. If danger occurs, you may need help from the law.

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Let's THANK Marney and Kimberly for sharing better ways to respond to teenage anger. As social workers they've worked with families and know how to help.

Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, CSW, Kimberly Abraham, MSW, CSW

Pick up your copy of:

The Whipped Parent: Hope for Parents Raising an Out-of-Control Teen

Available at Amazon.com  

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   Type Your Comment!

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Your Parenting Skills Can Help

Why Teenagers Run Away

• Anger about parenting rules
• Got drunk at a party and don't want parents to know
• Fought at a party and now sports black eyes and breath heavy with alcohol
• Contracted a sexual disease
• Impregnated or became pregnant
• Abused sexually or verbally at home
• Hear voices and see things that aren't real

Katherine shares stories about each of these problems and how she handled them with her foster students. Of course, there are other specific reasons why teenagers runaway. But Katherine is able to teach the lessons she wants you to know through each of the stories she tells.

Why Parents Worry

1. Their teenager didn't come home.

2. They don't know where their child is.

3. They don't know if their child is hurt.

4. They don't know when to call the police.

5. They don't know when or how much to tell school authorities.

Yes, the teens have problems but so do the parents. Their minds are overwhelmed with fear for their children. They may waver between anger and just wanting to wrap loving arms around their kids.

Solutions Before and After Your Runaway Comes Home:

Katherine gives her best advice on when to call the police, how to ask for advice, and what the police need to know. She has several thoughts on whether to tell or not tell school authorities.

Katherine also offers specific scripts to use with kids after you hug them and let them know you're glad they're home. Finally, she shares her ideas on consequences for your runaway teenager.

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Katherine has the knowledge and experience that make her a unique parenting expert. She's been a professor of Social Work at Columbia University, a director of mental health crisis programs for children, and an accredited therapist. And you already know she was the foster parent of almost 400 children.

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Let's THANK Katherine Gordy Levine for sharing her knowledge, insights, and great advice in When Good Kids Run Away.

Katherine Gordy Levine

Pick up your copy of When Good Kids Run Away and get the relief you need.

Available on Amazon.com

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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"No matter what, I love you."

How We Blame Our Teens:

We keep mental tabs on their past wrongs like:

. The temper tantrums when she was young

. The time she stole money from my purse

. The time she set the house on fire from her cigarettes

. The times she stayed out past her curfew

. The times she got drunk when I was out

. The times she's called me the "B-word."

When we think about the mental list, it's easy to feel angry, resentful, and hurt. Our authors tell us that keeping a tab is like a credit card. "You're the one who ends up paying - with lots of interest tacked on." What's even worse, our kids learn to keep tabs on our mistakes too.

When we keep tabs, it's like lifting the back of a chair while our arms and back ache but we won't put it down. Try it and see how long it takes for your arms and back to tire. So how do we stop the credit card or put down the chair?

Marney and Kimberly tell us to accept our child unconditionally by:

1. Forgiving through letting go of the past (Get rid of the credit card.)

2. Loving your child as only a parent can.

3. Telling your child you love her.

4. Avoiding withdrawing yourself and your love from your child.

"Some of the saddest adolescents are those who feel hopeless because they believe their behavior has led to the loss of a parent's love."

If you have trouble feeling unconditional love for your child, "Fake it until you make it," advise our authors. If something happened to your child, you'd want the last words she heard from you to be, "I love you."

One telling question Marney and Kimberly ask is, "If a stranger asked your adolescent, 'Does your parent love you?'" what would she say? (From pages 122-126)

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You might respond, "This is tough to do." Our authors would heartily agree. They understand. I appreciate their view on unconditional love. It's important to focus on what is truly important even when we're hurt and angry.

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Let's HONOR our authors, Marney and Kimberly, for sharing their knowledge from working with difficult teenagers.

Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, CSW

Kimberly Abraham, MSW, CSW

You can order their book The Whipped Parent: Hope for Parents Raising an Out-of-Control Teen

Available at Amazon.com

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Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the COMMENTS link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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Is Your Teenager Living His Life Through TV?

Dr. Parnell loves to tell stories, like the one about Darrel and his dad. Darrel's dad, an UPS driver, brought his boy into see Dr. Parnell, a pediatrician, for a check-up. They began arguing about who watched more TV. It turns out the father watched 3-4 hours a night when he could have spent more time enjoying his family.

Dr. Parnell sees TV as an addiction because many children, as well as, adults spend too much time watching and not enough time living their own lives. He researched the American Academy of Pediatrics and presented their recommendations:

Here are 5 of 9 suggestions you can start today:

1. Keep TV sets out of your child's bedroom.

2. Record high quality TV programs to watch after homework is completed.

3. View programs with your child and discuss their thoughts during the commercials.

4. Allow no more than 1-2 hours of TV per day.

5. Encourage children to play, read, practice sports, and develop hobbies. (From page 184)

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I appreciate the wisdom Dr. Parnell offers. His stories are real and insightful. You almost feel like you're sitting in on his conversations with teens. He also backs up his advice with research which gives you confidence that his ideas are valuable.

Let's THANK Dr. Parnell Donahue for his tireless work in helping parents understand their teenagers and his practical parenting advise.

Dr. Parnell Donahue

Pick up Messengers in Denim

Available at Amazon.com  

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   Type Your Comment!

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Does Your Family Include A Heroic Teenager?

 This Responsible Teen Needs Help

"Our family is going through some tough times. My mom's stressed and works from 4:30 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. My dad needs lots of help because he has cancer. My older sisters live far away and have their own families. So I'm in charge.

"I cook, clean, and help my parents. I'm not exactly complaining, but add all that to homework! (Our teachers are really piling it on.) Please help me with a system to get stuff done fast!" -15-year-old (From page 65)

Advice from Counselor, Annie Fox

After empathizing, Annie made the following suggestions for creating a system:

1. Let your teachers know what's going on at home and ask them to ease up at this time.

2. Make a list of your daily tasks at home that must be done.

3. Add the home responsibilities to the list that need to be done a few times a week.

4. Take care of your duties to your family and your schoolwork.

5. Give yourself 30-60 minutes every day to chill out as another way to help yourself. (From pages 212-213)

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I like Annie's advice because she gives this girl much needed appreciation first. Annie knows she can't lift this child's burdens, but she can help her with a practical system. Her last piece of advice, to take time for herself, helps puts a little balance in this girl's life. What do you think?

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Pick up Annie Fox's book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People: Progressive Parenting For The 21st Century

Available at Amazon.com

Let's APPRECIATE Annie Fox for her gift in helping teenagers with their problems. Annie knows how to be specific and positive.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

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Please support today's author and share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the COMMENTS link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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