If you're a parent and you think your child is defiant, Dr. Michele Borba, our parenting expert, will share 4 red flags and one simple solution and one parent's answer. Her expertise can be found within the covers of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. In this blog, I'll skip around within her helpful chapter, "Defiant." Let's find out what she says.
Question: "I know every kid is going to defy his parent every now and then, but how do I know when my son is defiant or just being a normal tween with raging hormones?"
.Here Are Four Red-Flag Alerts that a child has crossed over the line and headed into "defiant territory:"
1. Disrespectful. Defiant kids are way-above-average rude but also surly and blatantly disrespectful.
2. Self-centered and blind to anyone else's feelings. They want their needs met, and do so means flat-out refusal to comply with (let alone listen to) anyone else's requests.
3. Striving for control. They put themselves in charge, basically stripping their parents of authority and pushing adults - and as far as they can push - to do what they want, stopping at nothing.
4. Holding family harmony at bay. Family members feel as if they're walking on eggs and are held hostage when these kids are around. page 76
One Simple Solution:
Defiant kids can wear you down and push your buttons big-time. The minute you yell, argue, or even appear agitated, the struggle goes up a notch. So find one simple strategy to keep yourself calm during those tense interchanges with your kid. It will be different for every parent, but here are a few options:
1. Take a slow, deep breath.
2. Visualize a calm spot in your mind.
3. Tell yourself, "Stay calm"
4. Take a sip of water.
5. Excuse yourself and go to another room.
7. Lock yourself in the bathroom.
Find what works for you and practice it until it kicks in when you need it most. page 81
One Parent's Answer ~ a mom from Tulsa shares:
Any little issue with my twelve-year old turned into a full-blown argument. He had to have control. I finally realized I was playing right into him by screaming back, so I came up with a few phrases. The trick was to calmly deliver one line and keep repeating it whenever he pushed me:
1. "I'm sorry, but that's the way it is."
2. "I understand, but those are the rules." Or
3. "Okay, but you'd better get started."
The real trick was to not argue back and get into a power struggle. I knew I was doing something right when he said, "What's wrong with you? You're not the same." The difference was I wasn't giving in or screaming back, so he couldn't win. page 84
I took the liberty of skipping around Dr. Borba's chapter entitled, Defiant. There is much more excellent material within it especially if you suspect you have a defiant child. Her book is on Amazon The Big Book of Parenting Solutions
Let's give Dr. Michele a BIG HAND for sharing her helpful parenting information about defiant behavior.
Dr. Michele Borba
You may connect with Dr. Borba at http://www.micheleborba.com/
What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for dealing with defiant behavior? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you.
Jean Tracy, MSS
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