Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

Arguments with Teens: Can They be Helpful?

  How Can Parent-Teen Arguments Be Good?

If you're arguing with your teen and are frustrated, you might not need to be. Our parenting expert and coach, Lorraine Segal, has researched why arguing can be a good thing for your teen. Let's find out what she's learned in her article, Parent-Teen Disagreements Have Positive Results.  

If you find yourself in frequent arguments with your teen—take heart. According to a newly published study, the right kind of disagreement may help a teen ‘just say no’ to peers when pressured to use drugs or be sexually active.

The longitudinal study at the University of Virginia looked at a diverse group of 150 teens at ages 13, 15, and 16, and asked questions of the teens, their peers, and parents about the teen’s substance use, interactions with mothers, social skills, and friendships. Researchers also observed the teens interacting with family members.

The results of the study indicate that teens who “openly expressed their viewpoints” and “held their own” in discussions with their mothers were also more likely to resist peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol or become sexually active.  The researchers particularly mentioned teens who could effectively use “reasoned arguments” to change parents’ minds about such topics as friends, grades, chores and house rules.

In contrast, teens who tried to use “pressure, whining, or insults” to get their way or those who gave in immediately without arguing, were more likely to give in to peer pressure as well.

Most people, unless conflict resolution professionals, tend to think that all conflict is bad. Parents can see their kids “talking back” as a sign of failure. On the contrary, when teens learn to stand up for a position and negotiate solutions, the skills learned carry over into better decision-making about sex, drugs, and alcohol, issues that deeply concern parents.

As a coach and mediator who helps teens and adults gain skills for communicating effectively, I often tell clients that conflict can have positive outcomes. It is challenging for parents and teens to figure out how to navigate difficult conversations successfully, but if they begin with love and a willingness to truly listen to each other, the result is far better than either yelling and dictating or just giving in.

By the way, the study said nothing about who “won” the argument. It was a respectful, effective style of communicating that made the difference for the teens.

For article research sources go to: 

http://conflictremedy.com/2012/01/06/parent-teen-disagreements-have-positive-results/

******

  

Lorraine Segal   

Let's give Lorraine a BIG HAND for her research on this topic. You gave us an excellent article, Lorraine.

To contact Lorraine go to: http://www.conflictremedy.com/ You can reach her at (707) 236-8079, lorraine@conflictremedy.com        

Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine Segal, provides communication coaching and mediation for parents, teens, couples and  people in organizations. Services available by telephone and Skype, as well as face to face in Santa Rosa, California. 

Bonus Article:

Child Discipline Tips –How to Discipline Kids without Arguments

Parents, it's your turn to take the stage:

What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for helping your kids? Please answer in the comment link below.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Expert Parenting Advice about Kids and Child Discipline

This parenting tip is from my friend, Beau. Beau is one of the kindest and most personable men I know. He and his wife, Rosalie, raised two fine sons. They have two granddaughters to dote on too.

Beau's Parenting Advice about Kids and  Child Discipline:

Create a United Front:

"If you disagree about how your partner is handling a discipline problem, talk with your partner later. Why? You need to have a united front so your child won't manipulate you."

Beau's parenting tip reminds me of numerous parents I've counseled. They'd be at odds with each other's stand on a parenting issue. Often one parent was too firm and the other was too easy. They'd argue in front of their children. There kids were all ears and soon realized who to manipulate.

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3 Parenting Tips ~ How to Discipline Cursers and Get Respect

In our last blog we discussed 3 discipline problems when kids curse and use bad names. Ciera swears at kids on the school playground. The teacher wants you to stop her cussing. Darwin makes up mean names and taunts the neighbor kids. The parents forbid their children to play with him. Farrah curses at her brother and sister. Your home life is miserable. What will you do?

As a parent, you have discipline choices. Consider the logical consequences below:

If there's an adult who curses, yells foul names, or is sarcastic among your family or friends, tell them to stop. Your kids don't need bad models.

1. Keep in contact with Ciera's playground teacher by note or by phone. Get the reports on Ciera's cussing. If Ciera gets a bad report have her write "I will talk respectfully on the playground." She must write it 100 times in good printing or hand writing before snacks, playing, or TV.
2. When you hear Darwin yell bad names, call him inside. Give him a form to fill which asks:

   What behavior do I need to change?

   How is this behavior hurting me?

   How is this behavior hurting the neighbor kids?

   How is this behavior hurting my family?

   What am I going to do to make things better?

    If Darwin's too young to write or print, have him draw his answers.

    When he's completed the form, go over Darwin's answers with him. Get him to look you in the eye and say, "I promise to talk nicely." Notice this promise is positive. You want to move him toward positive thinking. Avoid promises like, "I won't call the kids bad names." It's negative.

1. Send Farrah to a boring room like the bathroom where there's no TV, computer, cell phone, etc. Tell her to stay there until she comes up with 3 better ways she could have dealt with her sister or brother. When she's ready, tell her to come to you and share those ways. Next she must apologize in front of you to her sister or brother and tell them how she could have handled things better.

Conclusion for Cussing Kids and Discipline:

 

I know these logical consequences take time. Yelling, arguing, and begging may seem easier. They have consequences. They encourage your child's negative behavior to repeat itself. Soon they'll be cursing at you too.

Training your children to be civilized is your privilege and your job. You can raise them to become people of character. It all starts when they're young. You have the power. Take it. Get the respect you deserve.

To help your children think before they speak, pick up my Problem Solver Kit. Get rid of the cussing. Enjoy raising kids who respect you and respect each other.

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3 Parenting Tips: How to Discipline When Kids Are in Danger

In our last blog, we discussed 3 discipline problems when kids are exposed to risky values with cell phones, violent videos, and the internet.

You might remember that Maggie's teacher told you about the cell phone pictures Maggie's sending the boys in her class. Doug is hurting the kids at school. He's addicted to violent videos. Cheryl's on My Space and is getting phone calls from strange men. What will you do?

As the parent, you have discipline choices. Consider the logical consequences below:

1. Maggie begged for a cell phone. She intimidated you with her guilt, insults, and promises. Like so many parents, you broke down. One good thing, you and Maggie discussed, created, and signed rules for using the cell phone.

   The phone you gave Maggie was loaded. It had everything. It was the ultimate birthday present. She was so happy. You felt great until the school told you, "Maggie is sending provocative pictures of herself to the boys in her class. The pictures are on the internet."

   This is not the time to exaggerate Maggie's rights to privacy. This is not the time to defend Maggie to the world. This is the time to take the cell phone away. She broke the rules. She exposed herself. She'll experience long term consequences like scorn, disrespect, and she's put her future in jeopardy.

2. Doug's in trouble for hurting kids at school. He trips them at lineup, punches classmates when the teacher isn't looking, and bullies younger children. Today he broke one kid's arm. The parents hired a lawyer.

   You check the computer in his room. You're shocked. You thought he was doing homework. You learn he's addicted to violent videos.

   Arming Doug with his own bedroom computer is like giving him a loaded revolver. The opportunities for trouble are wide open.

   Tell Doug, "Using the computer is a privilege. From now on, it will be in the kitchen where I can see the screen. You can only use it for homework and when I'm home."

   If you need to, lock it in your car when you're away.

3. Cheryl's made tons of Facebook and My Space friends. Her pictures, profile, and messages are cute. Now she's getting calls from strange people.

   You check her sites again. The pictures are revealing. The messages are risqué. Last night you caught Cheryl on the computer while your family was sleeping.

   Cheryl begs you not to shut down her sites. She promises to clean up her act. Will you buy it? Or will you face her anger?

   Again, draw the line. Be strong. Get the computer out of Cheryl's bedroom. Put it where you can see it. Only let Cheryl use it for homework. At night consider locking it in your bedroom.

Parenting is tough. Today's opportunities for trouble are great. Your kids and their danger don't matter to strangers. They want freedom. They chant, "First amendment rights!"

You need to care. You need to take charge, to face angry kids, and be strong. How else will you raise your kids with strong healthy characters? How else will you protect them?

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3 Parenting TipsDiscipline Problems When Children Are in Danger

It's hard to discipline kids when the media exposes them to dangerous values like Paris Hilton's hamburger ad, violent videos, and cell phone photos. Many people scream first amendment rights, kids' privacy "rights" and, "It's the parent's responsibility!"

One young TV commentator thought the latest provocative ad involving an over-exposed model, her flicking tongue, bare legs, and exaggerated ecstasy over yet another hamburger was funny and fine. She knew young men would love it. She blamed parents if their kids were exposed. Of course, she had no children of her own.

Your children see way too much. They want to see more. They want to imitate what fascinates adults. There's just one problem. Their minds and hearts aren't ready to make good decisions about values.

One more thing, we move toward our pictures. When curious children see dangerous values in action, guess what they take inside, visualize, and move toward?

Like metal beads to large magnets, they're drawn to see and do more. Even 14-year-old girls send suggestive pictures of themselves to their boyfriends through their cell phones. These pictures get on the internet. These girls are in danger.

How can you protect your children from embracing risky values? How can you lead them toward strong healthy characters when the media doesn't care?

What can you do when your child…

1. Sends flirtatious pictures or text through her cell phone?
2. You son is downloading videos that teach him to kill the enemy and make him a hero each time someone suffers and dies?
3. Exposes everything about herself to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on social media sites like My Space and Facebook?

Don't miss our next blog, "3 Parenting Tips: How to Discipline When Your Kids Are in Danger"

 

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***In the meantime, share what you'd do if your kids were in the above kind of danger.

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