Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

How Parents Can Help Kids Achieve Success with Delay of Gratification

 

How Could a Better Definition of Delay of Gratification Help Him?

If you're a parent who wants to raise successful kids, keep reading. Our expert parenting author, Neil McNerney, will explain delay of gratification and share advice on how to teach it to our kids. Let's find out his excellent advice.

 

Why Delay of Gratification Is Difficult for Kids:

What is one of the hardest things for kids? Delayed gratification. Kids want things right NOW, NOW, NOW! As they grow into their teens, that doesn't go away.

It sometimes even gets worse in the teen years. A kid's focus is on the thing that will make them feel good immediately, whether it's a new piece of technology, something on TV, or something friendship-related.

If we think kids should naturally be able to delay gratification in order to get the "important" things done first, we've got another thing coming! Kids are not wired that way.

If we are honest about ourselves, most of us adults aren't actually wired that way, either. I know I'm not! In fact, delaying gratification is probably one of the hardest things for adults to do as well.

What Is Delaying Gratification About?

Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, shared this definition with me:

"Delaying gratification means giving up what I want right now for what I really want out of life."

What do I really want? I really want to be about 25 pounds slimmer. What do I want right now? A double cheeseburger with fries. And a chocolate shake!

Now, you might be the type of person who has no trouble delaying gratification, but most of us can relate to how hard it is for a kid, after seven hours of school, to be able to say, "I'll do my homework first, then I'll play with my friends." Yes, some kids are naturally like this, but they are few and far between.

What Should We Do?

a. Stay "On Message." Being on message means to keep repeating the theme: "You will get to do the fun stuff after you have done the not-so-fun stuff. If we keep that message consistent, it will eventually have the effect we desire.

b. Gotta Do's vs. Wanna Do's. This was a phrase I heard from a parent. She would tell her kids that there are two types of things we do in life: gotta do's and wanna do's.

Gotta do's are those things we "gotta (got to) do in order to be successful: chores, hygiene, homework, practicing etc.

Wanna do's are those things we "wanna(want to)" do in life: playing, computer time, TV, friends, etc.

Gotta comes first, then Wanna comes after. It's a great, simple way to remind our kids about a big part of success. (From pages 94-95)

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I like how Neil used the "First This, Then That Formula." As parents we must stay on message by consistently repeating our statement. Wasn't he clever in explaining the formula with "Gotta do" and "Wanna do?" I agree the "Gotta do" comes first, then "Wanna do."

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Pick up  Neil McNerney's popular book, Homework: A Parent's Guide to Helping Out without Freaking Out to get the good advice you want.

Available at Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Neil McNerney for explaining Delay of Gratification in terms we can tell our kids and, hopefully, motivate them to choose the path to success.

Neil McNerney, M.Ed., LPC

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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10 Character Building Tips: Rewards that Motivate Kids!

Build Character with Fun Rewards that Motivate!

Here's 10 character building tips with rewards that will motivate your kids. They don't involve money or material rewards but they will create a strong loving parent-child bond.

Don't Be Blackmailed! Build Character Instead!

Parents, are you being blackmailed? You are if you motivate your kids with money. Every time you want your kids to do their best or ask for help, too often they want more money. As your kids grow older, they’ll want even more money. Giving money isn’t the best way to build great character.

I know you don’t want your kids to be materialistic or only do things if they get paid. Wouldn’t it be nice if they did things for love?

Motivate Kids in Fun and Loving Ways:

Today, I’ll share 10 great motivating rewards that bond you and your kids in fun and loving ways. After all, research tells us that teens would rather spend time with parents than anyone else. Find out if your kids feel the same way.

Rewards that Motivate Kids and Don’t Cost Money:

1. Offer to write 10 compliments about things you love in your child.

2. Teach your child to cook something he’d like to learn.

3. Plan a party with your child.

4. Take funny photos of each other.

5. Sings songs together as if performing on stage.

6. Go on a hike together. 

7. Clean and rearrange your child’s room together.

8. Exercise together by playing outdoor games.

9. Offer to style your child’s hair just for fun.

10. Manicure and paint your child’s nails.

Below are 5 sample behaviors you'll want to promote and 5 simple rules to guide you.

5 Behavior Ideas to Motivate in Kids:

1. Finish Saturday chores cheerfully.

2. Do a good job on homework.

3. Talk respectfully to parents.

4. Use good table manners.

5. Play well with siblings.

5 Parenting Rules for No-Cost Motivation Rewards:

1. Offer only the rewards you are willing to give them.

2. Tell your child to choose the no-cost reward he’d like to receive. (Your child might not want the reward you’d choose. If so, he won’t be motivated by it either.)

3. Give the rewards when your child accomplishes the behavior goal. (Waiting a long time to give it discourages kids from trying.)

4. Avoid making the time for receiving the reward too long. (If you say, “You have to get straight A’s this year,” your child won’t try because the reward is too far away.)

5. Make up new no-cost rewards with your child’s advice when needed.

Have fun motivating your child in loving ways. Money’s OK for allowances if it’s used to teach kids how to save and how to spend wisely. But don’t pay kids for everything. If you do, you’ll feel frustrated and blackmailed. Why not build character instead?

Motivate with your time and your love. Before long, your child will feel motivated from within. What could be better than a motivated kid with an inner zest for life?

Jean Tracy, MSS

Parents, it's your turn to take the microphone:

What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for motivating your kids? Please answer in the comment link below.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Parents, When Kids Don't Do Chores, Will They Hire Servants?

Parents, are you raising your kids to hire servants? Do your children have chores? If not, they'll lack the life skills they need. In her serious and amusing article Bring Back Home EC, let's see what our marriage expert, Claire Hatch, LICSW advises.

One of the many mysteries of my education in the Seattle Public Schools was eggs-a-la-goldenrod. The appeal of hard-cooked egg whites in white sauce, poured over toast, and garnished with a sprinkling of sieved egg yolks was difficult for me to grasp. However, my junior high home ec teacher assured us our future husbands would be delighted to be served such a breakfast.

In spite of the bizarre projects that no schoolchild escapes, I’m glad I learned the basics of meal planning, cooking and baking.

I’ve observed that many young people today grow up in a world that doesn’t contain such practical skills, but does have a lot of soccer, football, ballet and theater. It’s a lovely world, to be sure.

However, most kids do not grow up to be soccer players and ballerinas.

But they do grow up. And whatever they become, they have to contend with all the practical and often boring jobs that keep life humming. And many of them do not like it one little bit. How do I know?

Because they come to see me. They’re frustrated because their partners don’t help enough, or they’re frustrated because they can’t have enough fun, or they’re frustrated because life feels like a grind.

It’s not that their partners are slackers or that their burdens are especially heavy. O.K., sometimes they are. But a lot of times it’s just that life has delivered them a “cosmic 2 x 4,” as one of my clients put it recently.

Or as another said, “I guess this is just the way adult life is and it sucks.”

Of course, who doesn’t feel like responsibility sucks at some point?

But I think it sucks a lot more when you first make its acquaintance as an adult. Whether it’s at home or at school, everyone should learn life skills. I would be very grateful to have learned some shop skills like my brother did. Maybe I wouldn’t wander the aisles of Home Depot feeling dazed and confused.

Compared to past generations, both my brother and I got only a light sprinkling of life skills in school. Home ec and shop started falling out of favor in the 1970′s. In the past, the “ec” part had teeth in it and girls were taught how to budget and stretch a dollar. One textbook warns future housewives: “Watch out for the dangers of credit and ‘easy payments,’ and always do the math.” What an idea!

Of course, the most important teachers of Reality 101 are parents.

In the bustle of family life, there always seem to be good reasons not to teach kids how to do chores. They need to focus on getting into college. It’s easier just to do it myself. I want my kid to have an easier time than I did.

I know all about them. This morning I made scrambled eggs for a 15-year-old while she surfed on her laptop. That’s excellent preparation for adult life–if she’s going to have servants!

It’s good for kids’ mental health to do chores.

They might whine when they’re doing them, but being a contributor to the household is better for the self-esteem than being a passive recipient of services.

And it’s good for the parents’ mental health, too. I think over-coddling kids is one reason adults are so exhausted today, in spite of having more services, more devices and more money.

I tried to practice what I preach by asking my stepdaughter to clean the kitchen after breakfast. She wasn’t thrilled, of course. But I just told myself it means I’m doing my job. And I told her she’ll thank me some day, when she’s a competent, independent young woman.

Whether that fell on deaf ears or not, I know it’s true.

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Claire Hatch LICSW

Let's give Claire a giant THANK YOU for her excellent article. Please connect with Claire at:

Are you looking for more emotional connection in your marriage? Claire Hatch, LICSW is a marriage counselor near Seattle, WA. She specializes in simple tools that put an end to 'roommate syndrome.' Her Rock Solid Marriage Counseling Program is a step-by-step plan for turning troubled marriages around. To get the free Stop Arguments Before They Start Tool and more relationship advice, visit http://www.clairehatch.com/

Parents, it's your turn to take the stage: 

What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for helping your kids  learn life skills through chores? Please answer in the comment link below.

 

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

Sign up for my Newsletter at http://www.kidsdiscuss.com/ and receive 80 fun activities to play with your kids.