Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

Parenting Skills: 4 Ways to Show Your Children You Understand Them

 

Love Blooms with Understanding!

 

If you show your children you love and understand them, your relationship will be wonderful. Our parenting expert and author, Ellen Galinsky, is sharing an excerpt from her book, Mind in the Making. Let's find out 4 ways we can show we understand our children. We'll also learn 3 pieces of hopeful advice from them.

Help Children Feel Known and Understood:

An Exercise: Think Back to Your Childhood

Can you remember a time when you felt known and understood? What did the adult do to make you feel that way? How did you react? Can you think of a time when you felt misunderstood? What did the adult do to make you feel that way? How did you react?

I remember a particular moment in my childhood when I was trying to get away with something and my father made it clear to me that he knew exactly what trick I was up to. He stopped me, but not in an angry or mean way. I don't remember his words, but I do remember a comforting feeling, even though I was being disciplined.

In an Ask the Children study I conducted on how kids feel about their working parents, I asked children: "What would you like to tell the working parents of America?' The response of many, in essence, was Understand me":

1. (Parents should) try to communicate with their children more because in today's society a lot of parents don't even know what is going on with their children.

2. Don't be afraid to talk with your kids. They may act like they don't want you talking to them, but it is actually very important that you do.

Remember, as one child put it:

3. You are not your children-respect and understand our viewpoints and needs.

Children who don't have any adults who they feel "know" them or who are "there for them" have a harder time connecting with others as adults...

To help younger and older children feel known and understood:

1. Repeat back your child's words or what you think your child is trying to communicate: "You are hungry."

2. Describe what you see going on, as if you're a sportscaster: "You threw that ball all the way across the yard!"

3. Ask a question: "Did you like that book we just read? Why did you like/not like it?"

4. Let them know you're been there: "I know how that feels."(From pages 92-94)

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Ellen Galinsky, with few words, tells us 2 important truths we must not forget:

1. Children might not remember our words but they do remember how we made them feel.

2. When we help our children feel known and understood, the closeness and love we create with them is wonderful.

To find out how to talk about your feelings and those of your child's, pick up Ellen's book and start on page 95.

Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skill Every Child Needs

Available on Amazon.com

Let's PRAISE  Ellen Galinsky for writing such a helpful and easy to understand parenting book. Your advice today, Ellen, is priceless.

 Ellen Galinsky

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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How to Communicate with Kids: The Dos and Don'ts

Communicating Means Listening and Responding

 

Teaching kids to communicate is more than flashcards. Our parenting expert and author, Ellen Galinsky, has gathered the dos and don'ts of other experts to share with you. Here's an excerpt from Ellen's book, "Mind in the Making".

Do: Remember the purpose of language

Language is a tool by which people express their thoughts. Everything children are going to learn, they are going to learn through their ability to understand language and to produce language.

- Janellen Huttenlocher, University of Chicago

Don't: Think that using flash cards is promoting communication skills.

There are so many ways that parents and caregivers can encourage language in young children, and it's not through flash cards-it's through conversations, it's through questioning, it's (through) being responsive to what a child is interested in.

- Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Temple University

Do: Know that you are your children's most important guide into the world of language.

Think of yourself as (your) child's greatest plaything. Your voice, your face, the things you do, your actions are what intrigue them most. They have a natural curiosity for the things that humans do.

-Patricia Kuhl, University of Washington

Don't: Think you have to buy expensive products to teach your child about communicating.

Rather than buy fancy software of expensive toys, the thing to remember is that you and your time are the most valuable things to a child.

- Patricia Kuhl, University of Washington

Do: Listen and be responsive to your child.

Children learn language in a situation where they talk to you about what they're interested in and you respond.

-Catherine Snow, Harvard University

Don't: Drown your child in words.

When your children have had enough stimulation, they'll pull away. Be respectful of this and engage them again when they are ready to reengage. (from pages 141-142)

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Do you agree with the experts. What are your experiences in helping children communicate?

Let's give SPECIAL THANKS to Ellen Galinsky for gathering these dos and don'ts.

Ellen Galinsky

Pick up Mind in the Making for teaching The 7 essential life Skills Every Child Needs.

Available on Amazon.com

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Please share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the tiny comment link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Parenting Mistakes ~ The 7 Deadly Responses Children Hate to Hear

Parenting Responses Children Hate to Hear

These parenting mistakes take little thought and children hate them. They stop conversation and kids feel put-down. Our parenting expert, author, and coach, Kathy Slattengren, will share the 7 deadly responses and their solutions.

"Listening is one of those skills that really doesn't seem like it's all that difficult. Why then do so many children report that their parents don't listen to them?

Maybe it's because there are a lot of ways for parents to unintentionally stop conversations with their kids. For example, if your child comes home from school complaining that she didn't have anyone to play with at recess, these types of responses will probably leave her feeling unheard:

1. Criticizing: "Well did you ask somebody to play with you?"

2. Labeling: "A lot of times you act like a little dictator and other kids might not like that."

3. Analyzing: "What did you do to try to get someone to play with you?"

4. Diverting: "Why don't you go play outside with your sister and forget about it?"

5. Reassuring:"I bet everyone in your class really likes you and they probably don't even realize they're leaving you out."

6. Giving Advice: "I think you probably need to ask someone to play who is all by themselves."

7. Lecturing: "When I was your age, I would just join whatever game anyone was playing. You really need to be brave and ask them to let you play. Tomorrow ask at least three children to play with you at recess."

These types of responses are considered roadblocks to conversation because they tend to shutdown communication. It is extremely easy to accidentally use these roadblocks when talking to children.

Solutions: If You Want Your Children to Feel Heard, a Better Approach Is to ~

1. Stop what you are doing.

2. Look at your child.

3. Listen carefully - pay attention to the body language.

4. When your child is done speaking, summarize what you heard.

When you summarize what you heard, you are giving your child the opportunity to clarify or correnct your understanding.

Good listening takes time, patience and attention. You can't full listen while also watching TV or working on the computer. Communication involves not only words but also body language, eye contact and tone of voice. So in order to understand your child's message, you need to both hear the words and watch how they are said.

Listening to our children while resisting the urge to jump in and solve the problem for them is not easy. However, often our children just want us to hear their concerns. They don't necessarily want our advice; they just want to be heard and understood.

Parenting Action Step:

Pick out five days where you will intentionally focus on really listening to your children. Write down something you learned each day from listening to your children.

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Kathy Slattengren knows about parenting. Her solutions for listening to kids are easy. Kids love attention and listening well gives it to them.

Let's give Kathy a BIG HAND for her wise solutions. 

 

    
 Kathy Slattengren

This excerpt was from her excellent book, Priceless Parenting Guidebook: Ideas for Handling Everyday Parenting Challenges

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What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for communicating with your child? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you."

 
With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Character Building: 6 Ways to Teach Kids Leadership Skills

 

  
Teach Your Children Leadership Skills Today!

If you'd like to build character and raise a leader, stay tuned. Alex Uch, a freelance writer, is sharing 6 ways to teach your kids leadership skills from his article "6 Things You Can Do To Develop Leadership Skills in Your Kids."

Some children are natural born leaders.  Others, however, struggle with stepping up and taking a leaderships position.  It is important that as a parent you do your best to help develop leadership skills in your kids to help prepare them for the future.   Use the tips below to guide you in developing these all important skills.

1. Encourage them to make decisions. Are you guilty of controlling each and every decision your kids make?  Decision making is one of the most important aspects of being a leader. Allowing them to make their own decisions regarding the simple things such as what to wear, their hairstyles, etc., you are helping them develop the decision making skills needed to be a leader.
 

2. Help strengthen communication skills. Communication is also crucial to leadership skills.  Teach your kids the foundation of communication by talking with them and allowing them to express how they feel. Encourage them to talk to adults to gain practice in communication.
 

3. Teach them to negotiate with friends and peers. This is a tough skill to teach but can be very beneficial in developing leadership skills. Trading playing cards is one example of how your child can learn negation skills.
 

4. Problem solving skills will be important. Don’t jump in to solve problems for your kids.  Give them opportunities to work it out on their own. 

5. Teach your kids to plan ahead. Real leaders know how to plan ahead.  Can your child plan ahead for things that will happen soon? Let them take part in planning family events or vacations.  It will be fun for them and they will learn leadership skills along the way.

6. Don’t be too pushy! Don’t overreact if your child isn’t a natural born leader. Sometimes, it takes time to develop these skills.  Being too pushy may actually drive them away from wanting to take on a leadership role.  Help them along but don’t go overboard with it.

Leaderships skills will come naturally for some kids.  These children will need very little encouragement to develop the necessary skills to be successful in life.  If your child needs a little help along the way, use the tips above as guidance in developing leadership skills.

This article has been written by Alex of http://www.matryoshkanestingdolls.com/

 

Let's give a warm hand to Alex for sharing his excellent ideas.

                
   Alex Uch
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Parents, it's your turn to take the microphone:

What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for building leadership in  your kids? Please answer in the comment link below.

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Bonus Article: Goal-Setting for Kids ~ How This Self-Talk Technique Raises Achieving Kids

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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10 Parenting Tips on How to Apologize to Your Kids

 
Strong Parents Apologize When They Make Mistakes!

"If you'd like 10 parenting tips on how to apologize to your kids, Nancy Parker is here to show us how. Let's see her list and find out if you use her techniques.

Communication and trust are the hallmarks of a strong relationship.  Sometimes knowing how to say it is even more difficult, especially when it comes to our children. Let’s take a look at some alternatives for when you need to mend fences with your child. Here are ten ways to tell a child you are sorry:

1. Listen. – We can’t really comprehend the extent to which we may have upset someone, unless we let them express that hurt. This is often the first step toward knowing how to apologize.
2. Don’t Mince Words. - Admit fully what you are apologizing for, and skip the excuses. The bottom line is trust, and your child needs to know that you can be relied upon, even when it comes to admitting when you’re wrong.
3. Write a Letter. – There are occasions when expressing your remorse in writing is the best approach. It allows you to fully verbalize your apology, while also giving your child time to reflect without the obligation to accept an apology, before they are emotionally prepared to do so.
4. Make Amends.  – It’s important that a child understands that the phrase “I’m sorry” is not an eraser that magically wipes out fault and accountability. So an apology should always include corrective action of some kind.
5. Ask How To Fix It. – Discuss with your child how to make those amends. When you have caused someone hurt, the lesson here is that how you make things right should be determined by the party who has been wronged.
6. Reinforce Your Love. – Let them know that anything you may have done or said out of anger or frustration in no way changes your feelings toward them.
7. Build Trust. – When faced with similar circumstances in the future, show your child that you are committed to acting differently. Children see the contrasts we sometimes display between our words and our deeds.
8. Show Trust. – Conversely, if you find yourself needing to apologize for a lack of trust in them, demonstrate a sincere willingness to trust your children by granting them greater freedoms or responsibilities.
9. Have a Plan. – Create an environment of mutual respect and personal responsibility toward one another in your home. Discuss how to deal with grievances between members, and stick to the agreement.
10. Make it Public. – When apologizing for something that occurred in the presence of others, it’s a good idea to say you’re sorry with them present as well.

Let's thank Nancy Parker for sharing her list on how to apologize to your kids. Please connect with Nancy at eNanny Source

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Bonus Gift: To pick up the Apology Formula insert code word: APOLOGY at http://www.kidsdiscuss.com/subscriber-gifts.asp

Parents, it's your turn to take the microphone:

What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for apologizing to your kids? Please answer in the comment link below.

 

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

Sign up for my FREE Parenting Newsletter and receive 80 Fun Activities to Share with Your Kids and 101 Ways to Get Your Children to Cooperate.

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4 Top Communication Tools for Raising Positive Kids

If you'd like to raise kids to feel optimistic don't give up. Just follow the 4 communication tips below. Our guest blogger, Mary Romero is a life coach and a juvenile corrections officer. Let's listen to Mary's advice.

"Some children are just born 'happy' all the time while others seem to be 'sad sacks' for no particular reason....so we think. This is why communication with your children cannot be stressed enough.

There are children who can let the small things just roll off their backs while others may be hypersensitive where their feelings are concerned and need help with coping skills. I call these the 'tools' for our toolbox of life.

It is our job as parents to know our children and provide them with the necessary 'tools' so that they can become emotionally healthy adults.

4 Top Communication Tools for Raising Optimistic Kids

1. If you find that your child seems to be pessimistic the majority of the time, it begins to affect their eating habits, sleeping habits, friendships, and they become lethargic and uninterested in activities, you may want to seek your pediatrician's advice.

2. Discussing daily events with your child and how they felt about situations, how they handled them or, wished something was handled differently, is a good starting point in building optimism.

3. Giving them alternatives (seeing the bright side) is helpful because some children have a hard time being able to do this on their own but it can become a learned behavior.

4. Role model that optimistic attitude no matter what life throws at you and your child will learn to accept challenges with open arms!"

  Mary Romero

Let's give Mary Romero at big "THANK YOU."  We appreciate your wisdom.  You know about kids and you know about character.

You can connect with Mary at: http://www.wix.com/mmmcconnell/live-life-coaching

Parents, now it's your turn to share the spotlight.

What are your suggestions for helping your kids become optimistic? Please answer in the comment link below.

 

To increase your child's gifts and talents and to follow through with Mary's suggestions for building character through promoting your child's talents, pick up this Thought-Stopping Kit

Use the Thought-Stopping Kit when you want to instill positive attitudes for life!

http://www.kidsdiscuss.com/parent_resource_center.asp?pr_id=kd005

 

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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10 Parenting Solutions to Building Character with Time Out

This blog gives parents 10 great ways to use Time Outs effectively.

10 Secrets to Implementing Timeouts at Home

This blog comes from Suzanne Cullen at Au Pair.org.

The purpose of a timeout is to remove a child from an enjoyable experience, when they have misbehaved, and have them placed in an area free from distraction in order to calm down and reflect on their behavior. Listed below are ten secrets to implementing timeouts at home.

1. Correct Age. Children under the age of two, really do not grasp the concept of timeouts. However, even though starting between the ages of two and three is more appropriate you need to understand each child and his or her abilities.

2. Length. Small children are unable to be still for a long length of time. Make sure that the length of the timeout is appropriate for the child’s age. A good rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age.

3. Be Consistent. Try to use the same spot each time for a timeout. Whether you choose a chair, bottom step or a corner of a wall doesn’t matter, as long as it is the same place each time. Make sure that everyone else in the home is implementing the same procedure.

4. Set a Timer. This will help if you tend to forget about the time, so your child will not be stuck in a timeout for too long. It also helps the child to pay attention and keep quiet until the timer goes off, so that they are not constantly asking when they can get out.

5. Communication. In addition to using a timeout, you want to make sure that you speak with the child both before and after the timeout. First, make sure that they understand why they are receiving a consequence. This should be a brief one sentence statement of what they did wrong. Then once it is over you can discuss how their behavior affects others.

6. Be Firm. A timeout should be a time for reflection. Do not let the child move around or mumble and grumble. This is also not a time for a lecture. Not only should the child be silent, but you shouldn’t be interacting with them either.

7. Start Over. If the child is not obeying the timeout by trying to leave the timeout area or starting to talk during the timeout, then it should start all over, and the timer should be reset.

8. Follow Through. If you tell a child that you are going to put them in a timeout if they do not behave, be prepared to follow through and do it. As with any threats of punishment to a child, you need to be able to enact the consequence, or they will not take you seriously in the future.

9. Immediate. Timeouts need to be implemented immediately after the offense. If they are acting up at dinner time, you need to take them to a timeout right away and not wait until the meal is over.

10. Simplistic. Do not try to use this time to reason with a child. All they need to hear is ‘we don’t hit’. They do not need a ten minute lecture.

Timeouts can be a very effective diversion from inappropriate behavior. If you follow the tips listed above, you should see some successful timeouts.

A big Thank You to Suzanne Cullen at:

http://www.aupair.org/blog/10-secrets-to-implementing-timeouts-at-home/

Parents, now it's your turn. What are your suggestions for preparing your kids for school success? Please answer in the comment link below.

 

Warmly,

Jean Tracy, MSS

http://www.KidsDiscuss.com

One more thing ~

Pick up Jean's Parenting Skills Kit at:

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Quit fighting with your kids! Learn how to draw the line. Become the parent you always wanted to be and create peace in your home. Get your Parenting Skills Kit today!