Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

The Top 10 Best Parenting Strategies Kids Need from You

 

Listening, Understanding, and Love

If you're a parent, you'll need these strategies to raise emotionally healthy kids. Our parenting expert and author, Dr. Charlotte Reznick, is sharing her top 10 best ways for rearing children along with 6 parenting requests from a nine-year-old child.  I suggest you copy the top ten methods and keep them where you can refer to them. This is an excerpt from her book, The Power of Your Child's Imagination. Let's listen to her advice.

Listen to Allegra's Story

Nine-year-old Allegra asked me to speak to her parents on her behalf. She had a list of concerns she was afraid to bring up, behaviors that made her anxious and unable to concentrate on her schoolwork and chores. Her requests included:

. Not yelling at each other: it woke her up at night

. Not screaming at her older brother

. Never hitting her, for any reason

. Not saying anything mean or hurtful to her

. Making it safe for her to talk about her feelings

. Being more positive

Kids like Allegra have taught me a lot about good parenting. They are much wiser than we give them credit for and know exactly what they need to thrive. Over the years, these requests have evolved into the top ten list below. I share them with adults whenever I can.

Not only do these items promote stronger family ties, but they are principles that create a safe emotional context in which to teach your child the Nine Tools. If you think about the qualities you appreciated or would have liked in your parents, you may find many on this list.

What Kids Most Want and Need from Their Parents

 Dr. Charlotte's Top Ten List

1. Patience

2. Understanding

3. Listening

4. Soft Voices

5. Structure

6. Consistency

7. Love

8. Freedom connected to responsibility

9. Family and extended family

10. Role models

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If you think about it, these make so much sense. Can you imagine how life would have been if your parents had lived these top 10 ways with you. Let's live them with our children today.

Dr. Charlotte Reznick goes on to discuss each item on her top ten list with wisdom.  Go to pages 71 - 75 to read her descriptions. Then follow Dr. Reznick's advice and have a conversation about them with your children. See if there's anything they'd like to add to the list.

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Pick up The Power of Your Child's Imagination

            Available on Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Dr. Charlotte Reznick for her excellent book. It contains many helpful exercises you can share at bedtime to help your child grow.

Dr. Charlotte Reznick

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Parenting: When Little Kids Run Away from School!

 

Why Parents Worry!

 

Listen to our parenting expert and author as she tells how she reacted when her 6-year-old son, Jeremy ran away from school. The following is an excerpt from Madeline Levine's book, "Teach Your Children Well."

The Story of Jeremy

School was out for the day. He (Jeremy) and his friend Matt were shooting hoops in the school yard when they decided that it would be much cooler to shoot hoops in the high school gymnasium just a couple of blocks away. Jeremy had spent a lot of time in that gym with his basketball-playing older brother.

The fact that Jeremy and Matt had to meander the back roads of our town was apparently no deterrent compared to the intoxication of being independent explorers. Thankfully, they arrived without incident, easily climbed the metal fence around the high school, and were having the game of their lives when the police found them.

Rather than being appalled by the appearance of the police, they both seemed to think that riding in the back of a patrol car was a suitably exciting conclusion to a thrilling afternoon...

 Madeline's Conversation with Jeremy

So instead of banishing my son to his room for eternity, he went there for the evening. But first he and I went over the events of the day, the upset it caused me, the rules about not leaving school, and my expectation that he would "think" before acting.

I made it clear that "leaving" school was unacceptable and that if it happened again it would result in a serious loss of privileges. By bedtime we had both regained our emotional equilibrium (which is to say I had, which meant he could as well).

I read a few pages of his favorite book, as usual, cuddled a bit, and told him I loved him, and he said, "I love you back." It was a pretty undramatic ending to the day. The way most days, even the challenging ones, should end.

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Here are some points Madeline made while retelling this story that you didn't hear:

1. We, as parents, differ in the amount of anxiety we can take.

2. Children differ in their amount of curiosity.

3. We need to keep our cool.

4. We need to see things through their eyes.

5. We need to access our children's ability to be responsible and then give feedback and guidance.

I liked how Madeline was able to do all of the above.

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To find out why this book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, is an Amazon hit, why not pick it up?

Available on Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Madeline Levine for sharing her reactions to a story that we can model when dealing with our own children's actions.

   Madeline Levine, PhD

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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How Family Discussions Build Character and Bond Members with Love

If you had free time, would you spend it talking with your family? If you had fun topics to discuss, would you share them with your children?

In the e-book, Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions you'll find simple solutions for finding the time you need and lots of interesting topics to discuss. Each story promotes speaking and listening skills.

The problem stories include common situations found in most families. One includes a girl named Madison. She hates homework, stomps on her math book and yells, "I hate math! I'll never use this stuff! I'm not going to do it!"

If your children hate homework too, this story gives them the opportunity to discuss Madison's problem and their own feelings about homework.

Your children will access their own wisdom and give their best advice to Madison. The 5 character building questions at the end of each story will help them.

You won't need to yell, sell, or tell your children how to think about feelings, behaviors, or attitudes. With these discussions your children will be thinking, sharing, and internalizing their own good advice. When you teach them to think for themselves, you prepare them for life.

This e-book ends with 51 discussion starters like:

1. What is you first memory?

2. How would you know if you were successful?

3. Share a difficult challenge that taught you something.

4. Talk about a time when you were brave.

5. What's one of the nicest things you've done for someone?

Children love sharing their opinions. They feel confident when their ideas are accepted. Closeness with family members grows and they learn the art of sharing their thoughts. That's the wonder of fun family discussions.

When you guide your children through discussions and  approve of their opinions, suggestions, and advice, you build their character too.

*****

Raise a loving thoughtful family the easy way. Pick up this e-book Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions.

Available on Amazon.com

Author, Jean Tracy, MSS

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Jean Tracy, MSS

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5 Parenting Tips for Talking with Your Tween about Puberty and Sex

 
      Use These Tips to Talk to Your Tween

Need some parenting tips for talking about puberty and sex? Our expert parenting author, Dr. Madeline Levine, is sharing 5 tips from her new book, Teach Your Children Well. Let's see what she advises.

5 Parenting Tips for Parents of Middle School Children:

1. Start early. Sensitive conversations are less sensitive when you've had a history of them in your family. But it's never too late to start. Middle schoolers may find it easier to start talking about sexual activity once removed than about their own.

Portrayals in television shows, movies, or magazines give us great opportunities to bring up touch issues. A movie like Juno, about a pregnant teenage girl, would give you an easy opening for questions like "How did Juno decide what to do when she found out she was pregnant?" "How" questions are always more likely to be answered than "why" questions that just put kids on the defensive.

2. Figure out when your child is most receptive to discussion. Almost every important talk I had with my sons was in the evening around bedtime. Probably because everyone was relaxed. Don't ambush your child when he first comes home from school or when she has a big test the following day.

3. Don't be oblique. Preteens and young teens are confused enough about what is going on with their bodies and so questions like "Have you had any new feelings? are incomprehensible (and anxiety provoking) to them. Much better to be direct and say, "You're probably getting pretty close to having your first period. Let's make sure you're prepared." Often it's easier to ease into feelings after logistics are attended to.

4. Do not impute feelings to your teen. "You must be worried about when you're going to look like the other boys." This is probably the fastest way to shut down communication. The feeling part of these discussions has to come from your kid; otherwise he or she will feel misunderstood, controlled, and even judged.

5. Let your kid know you're available for conversation. "At some point you might want to talk about the changes in your body or about sex, If you do, I'm here to listen." Provide openings but don't push if you get no response. Most children will come to you..(To find out more go to page 103)

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I appreciate the advice, Dr. Levine, has given us. If we want our tweens and teens to ask questions about puberty and sex, we have 5 wise parenting tips to follow.

Let's APPLAUD Madeline Levine, PhD for share these tips with us.

                  
         Dr. Madeline Levine

Pick up her book, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success

            Available at Amazon.com

Please share your opinions about this blog post. Just click on the tiny comment link below. It will open up for you. We want to hear from you.

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Counseling: Discover the Strange Child in the Therapy Room

Who Is The Strange Child In His Therapy Room?

When you take your child to counseling, you must leave the strange child behind. Our expert counselor, Carolyn Healy, shares her insight about that strange child and what you must focus on instead.

The therapy room can get very crowded. Picture two concerned parents (or one concerned parent who has dragged the other along), worried and eager for help, and their child, who has been doing something eye-catching enough to wind up in a therapist’s office, and who may well be there under protest.

From the introductory phone conversation with one of the parents, I usually know the basic outline of what will be said: “Jason’s teacher says that he’s disruptive in class..,” or “Max can’t make friends…,” or “Molly won’t eat.”

That gives us plenty to work on, but quite often, there is another person in the room  – unacknowledged but very much present – who makes it far harder. The invisible visitor looks exactly like Jason or Molly or Max, but is perfect in every way. This interloper is the child the parents hoped for, but didn’t get.

The first job of the therapist is to usher the imaginary too-good-to-be-true child out of the room and out of his parents’ minds so that we can all contend with the real one who is trying to tell us something through his behavior.

The next job is to uncover the strengths of the real child so that we can organize our work around them. Rather than working to fix problems, we get better traction from starting with the child’s capabilities, so that he can notice them and learn to use them to change his own behavior.

Some start with reframing – a child who constantly interrupts in class “has a lot to say,” and one who refuses direction is “good at getting his needs met,” which gets everyone looking from a new angle.

But it takes more than that. This approach asks the child to take himself seriously as a competent successful individual who can make choices about how to meet his needs.

And it asks three crucial things of the parents. First, to become intentional instead of reactive, observing and catching the child doing something positive, rather than watching for behavior that needs correcting.

Second, to stay in the moment with their child instead of falling into nagging and correcting. Without distractions of cell phones or TV, they listen and empathize.

Finally, parents need to come to know their own strengths, and operate as parents from there. If you don't share your strengths with your child, who are they for?

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Carolyn Healy is a therapist friend of mine. She is a leader in her writings about grief. As you can see, Carolyn knows a lot about counseling children too.

Let's give Carolyn APPLAUSE for her fine blog post and the insights she shares from a counselor's point of view about the strange child in her therapy room.

             
       Carolyn Healy

You can connect with Carolyn Healy on her wildly popular blog,

Ms. Cranky Pants  where she offers her humorous opinions on just about everything.

Carolyn also writes about grief on her blog Waves of Grief

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 Sit back, relax, and share your opinions about this blog post. Please comment in the tiny comment link below. We want to hear from you.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Parenting Mistakes ~ The 7 Deadly Responses Children Hate to Hear

Parenting Responses Children Hate to Hear

These parenting mistakes take little thought and children hate them. They stop conversation and kids feel put-down. Our parenting expert, author, and coach, Kathy Slattengren, will share the 7 deadly responses and their solutions.

"Listening is one of those skills that really doesn't seem like it's all that difficult. Why then do so many children report that their parents don't listen to them?

Maybe it's because there are a lot of ways for parents to unintentionally stop conversations with their kids. For example, if your child comes home from school complaining that she didn't have anyone to play with at recess, these types of responses will probably leave her feeling unheard:

1. Criticizing: "Well did you ask somebody to play with you?"

2. Labeling: "A lot of times you act like a little dictator and other kids might not like that."

3. Analyzing: "What did you do to try to get someone to play with you?"

4. Diverting: "Why don't you go play outside with your sister and forget about it?"

5. Reassuring:"I bet everyone in your class really likes you and they probably don't even realize they're leaving you out."

6. Giving Advice: "I think you probably need to ask someone to play who is all by themselves."

7. Lecturing: "When I was your age, I would just join whatever game anyone was playing. You really need to be brave and ask them to let you play. Tomorrow ask at least three children to play with you at recess."

These types of responses are considered roadblocks to conversation because they tend to shutdown communication. It is extremely easy to accidentally use these roadblocks when talking to children.

Solutions: If You Want Your Children to Feel Heard, a Better Approach Is to ~

1. Stop what you are doing.

2. Look at your child.

3. Listen carefully - pay attention to the body language.

4. When your child is done speaking, summarize what you heard.

When you summarize what you heard, you are giving your child the opportunity to clarify or correnct your understanding.

Good listening takes time, patience and attention. You can't full listen while also watching TV or working on the computer. Communication involves not only words but also body language, eye contact and tone of voice. So in order to understand your child's message, you need to both hear the words and watch how they are said.

Listening to our children while resisting the urge to jump in and solve the problem for them is not easy. However, often our children just want us to hear their concerns. They don't necessarily want our advice; they just want to be heard and understood.

Parenting Action Step:

Pick out five days where you will intentionally focus on really listening to your children. Write down something you learned each day from listening to your children.

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Kathy Slattengren knows about parenting. Her solutions for listening to kids are easy. Kids love attention and listening well gives it to them.

Let's give Kathy a BIG HAND for her wise solutions. 

 

    
 Kathy Slattengren

This excerpt was from her excellent book, Priceless Parenting Guidebook: Ideas for Handling Everyday Parenting Challenges

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What are your opinions about this blog post or your suggestions for communicating with your child? Please answer in the comment link below. We want to hear from you."

 
With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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Solutions for Protecting Young Teens from Online Predators

If you're worried about your child being online with a sexual predator, I want you to know about Adina's Deck.

Adina's Deck is an online company that sells DVD's about current teen concerns. Let me share a little with you.

I watched the DVD entitled, The Case of the Online Crush with my granddaughters. The actors were teenagers who discovered what was happening online with a classmate and how to handle it. Here's a description:

"Michael, a concerned 8th grader, approaches the Club (Adina's Deck) with a difficult problem. His friend Ally has been talking to a guy online for over two months - a guy she sees as perfect - but all Michael can see is that he's 20!

Adina's Deck takes the case to track down Ally's mysterious boyfriend and uncover his true identity. After using technology and their detective sleuth skills, the club learns that young online relationships aren't as romantic as they might seem."

What I liked about The Case of the Online Crush was the conversation I had afterward with my granddaughters, ages 12 and 14.

We then searched my computer for videos of TV's Dateline - To Catch a Predator where online male predators are caught after coming to a young teen's home with beer, condoms etc. I think this experience made a serious impression on the girls against mysterious online relationships.

I know you can't always protect your children from computer sexual predators. But if they watch Adina's Deck and, perhaps watch some of the Dateline videos, you may be protecting them more than you think.

You can connect with Adina's Deck at:

http://www.AdinasDeck.com

I suggest you and your child watch Adina's Deck first because it connects your child with  teens who are concerned about this problem. Dateline can then help your child see how real and slimey the predator problem is.

You can view Dateline's, To Catch a Predator at: http://goo.gl/ehxMX

Now it's your turn. How do you protect your child from online predators? Please comment in the comment link below.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS at: http://www.KidsDiscuss.com

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Social Skills for Kids: Expert Counselor Help Special Needs Children

Our social skills expert, Elizabeth Singer, is a Licensed Psychoanalyst at University Place in Greenwich Village. Let's find out her excellent advice for helping special needs kids.

Elizabeth Singer, LP, MFA

For kids on spectrum (includes autism, learning disabilities, and even allergies), you already know what to do. Have a conversation. Here's the kind of conversation you might have.

Kids on spectrum naturally go to the details of personal appearance; the small tear in the sleeve's fabric, the mole on one's neck, extremes of body size. One mother returned from a week away to be told that she had a small rip in the seam of her leggings. The child wants to say something, she wants to connect. She knows she messes up sometimes, so there's anxiety too.

Say something like "What I like to hear when I get home is that you love me and missed me."

Do this in chunks, one step at a time. Circle back around to the subject later and give her language. People like it when you ask about their trips. So you can't go wrong with "Tell me about your trip."

You are modeling affirmation and curiosity. For spectrum kids, you teach with scripts.

Meeting new people presents another potential quandary for spectrum kids. Coach your child on greeting, noticing one NICE thing about the person and asking a question. For a teen girl: Hi. I like your haircut. Hey, what kind of phone is that?

Just as important is teaching selective silence. Spectrum kids apply politeness to situations where it isn't necessary and may even be dangerous. On city streets, kids can be accosted by strangers for money. Warn them about the "what time is it" ploy. Our children learn street smarts one situation at a time.

All of this requires much of parents. Teach when you can, let it go when you are frazzled. It'll come back around when you're in a good place and can do it well.

Please contact Elizabeth at http://www.elizabethsingerlp.com/

How do you teach social skills to special needs children?

Please comment in the comment link below.  Don't forget to add your email so I can send you 101 Jokes from Kids and for Kids. Imagine the laughter and the friends your kids will make with their fun sense of humor. Use these jokes at dinner time too.

 With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS  

Pick up 50 social skills to role play with your children at: 

Social Skills Kit for Kids

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Family Conversations - How Parents Can Connect with Kids at Dinner

Connecting with kids at dinner creates a family bond that's hard to beat. Today we have two experts who discovered how to have great conversations with their kids. Let's hear their parenting tips.

 

Linda Appleman Shapiro, a psychotherapist for over 25 years

"For starters, conversations depend on the age of your children. However, in general, I think that family dinners are very important times to share one's thoughts, feelings and experiences - and what better time than at dinner for parents to model the importance of communicating.

One of the best strategies I've found over the years (and I'm now a grandmother as well as a mother) is to open up conversation by sharing something about MY day. It's amazing how much easier it makes it for kids to open up once you've opened the door by doing so yourself.

And, I suppose, the kindest way to respond to whatever is shared in return is to meet the child where the child's at without lecturing, without judgment. Just use good, old-fashioned unconditional love and advice when asked for it."

Thank you, Linda.

Linda's  Parenting Tips for You Includes:

• Modeling good communication.
• Sharing parent's day first to encourage kids to share their day next
  
• Starting the conversation according to our kids' age levels.
• Avoiding judgmental talk and lectures with what kids share.
• Giving unconditional love.

To connect with Linda go to http://www.applemanshapiro.com/

Founder and Owner of Masterful Kids.

"I think that is so important to have interesting topics to talk with children about over a meal. I am a parent of three, and have found that asking about a child's particular passion helps.

My son loves history and is a member of the National U.N. in 10th grade. He loves when I ask him about this club and the topics they discuss.  Ask children what they learned in school."

Thank you, Robin.

Robin's parenting tips for you includes:

• Create interesting topics to discuss.
• Talk about children's passions and interests.
• Discuss what your kids learned in school.
  

To contact Robin click on http://www.masterfulkids.com  

 What Ideas do you have about dinner conversations with kids?

Please comment in the comment link below. Don't forget to add your email so I can separately email you 101 Jokes from Kids and for Kids. Imagine the laughter and friends your kids will make with their fun sense of humor. Use these jokes at dinner time too.

 With warm wishes,

 Jean Tracy, MSS  website at http://www.KidsDiscuss.com

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Conversation with Stories - 8 Ways to Create a Family Ritual!

Conversation with stories encourage family rituals. Our guest blogger, Namaste`Roz, sets the stage and presents us with 8 ways to start this family connection. Through it children learn the art of storytelling. Let's find out how.

Namaste` Roz

"Create the setting, I liken this process to Family Ritual.

If your home has a fireplace even better, a crackling fire makes for more enchantment. (A fire pit unit outside works as well). The setting is an important part of the ritual, a beautiful round woven rug will do, a circle of large comfy pillows...I think you are getting the setting "part."

Parenting Tips ~ Now you must pick a theme like:

1. On the night you were born...

2. Who was in my dreams last night? You then describe characteristics of one member of your family and make it a story.

3. What was my great grandfather like? (Only share the good parts, for now.)

4. Why do you think we eat Turkey on Thanksgiving Day? (Allow stories and opinions...lead to the idea of gratitude

5. What might we be grateful for? (You start first.)

6. What is a best friend? (I met my best friend at...)

7. I've got a story about the most remarkable ...

8. Do you realize that wherever you are, I love you?

Good stories stay with us forever.  We must become good story tellers, hold our audience, share this skill, and encourage the mystery.  Sometimes I use drums, shakers, rain sticks and the real or recorded sound of a fire crackling."

Contact Namaste` Roz at:  http://www.iseeyou-ihearyou.com/

Thank you for  all your story starter themes for creating a close-knit family ritual, Namaste. Teaching children to be good storytellers and enjoying the mystery creates a loving family conversation.

 What Do You Think?

Please comment in the comment link below. Don't forget to add your email so I can separately email you 101 Jokes from Kids and for Kids. Imagine the laughter and friends your kids will make with their fun sense of humor. Use these jokes at dinner time too.

 With warm wishes,

 Jean Tracy, MSS  website at http://www.KidsDiscuss.com

One More Thing:

Sign up for this Parenting Skills Blog at http://www.ParentingSkillsBlog.com  and receive this FREE Gift - 33 Expert Ways to Motivate Your Kids