Character Building from KidsDiscuss.com

Solve Conflicts between Kids: A Top Strategy for Parents

 

Parents Can Teach Kids How to Solve Conflicts!

If your kids never have conflicts, don't bother reading about this excellent strategy. Our parenting expert and author, Dr. Michele Borba, who wrote The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, is here to share a top way for helping kids stand up for themselves and resolve fights. She'll use the acronym, STAND.

 

Helping Kids Solve Conflicts with STAND

Each letter of STAND has special meanings. If we aid kids in making this method a habit, they'll be wiser now and in the future, lessen their arguments, and enhance their chances for success.

S = Stop and Calm Down

   1. Call for a time out.

   2. Take a deep breath.

   3.  Get a drink of water.

   4. Leave for a minute and then come back.

When everyone has calmed down, then it's time for the next step. 

T = Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is

    Rules

    . No put-downs or criticisms

    . No interrupting

    1. Ask each child, "What happened?"

    2. Tell the children to summarize each other's view and to begin with the word "I" rather than "You."

    3. The goal is to help each child understand what it feels like to be in each other's shoes.

A = Alternatives, list different ways for resolving the conflict

    1. Brainstorm the first thing that comes to your mind.

    2. Avoid putting each other's ideas down.

    3. Try to come up with ideas that work for both sides.

  N = Narrow the Choices

    Rules

    1. Eliminate solutions that are unacceptable to either side.

    2. Eliminate solutions that aren't safe or wise.

D = Decide on the Best Choice and Do It!

    1. Think about the consequences for each possible choice by asking, "What might happen if you tried that?"

    2. What are the pros and cons of each choice?

    3. What is one last change that would make your choice even better?

    4. Once they agree on a choice, each child shakes hands and says, "I agree."

Dr. Michele cites research that says "children who were skilled in problem solving were less likely to be impulsive and aggressive when things don't go their way: tended to be more caring and less insensitive; were better able to make friends; and tended to achieve more academically." (From pages 51-52)

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Dr. Michele gives us this top problem solving strategy. It has such enormous benefits for our children. I especially like it because it's so simple. I suggest copying her method to keep handy when you need it. Then help your kids STAND up for themselves and make it a habit.

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Let's APPLAUD Dr. Michele for her expert advice in giving us a process for helping our children resolve their fights and standing up for themselves. If all children were taught this strategy, the outlook for world peace would be very bright.

Dr. Michele Borba

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Pick up The Big Book of Parenting Solutions to find the answers you need.

Available at Amazon.com

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Resilient Kids: How to Teach Confidence Using 4 Practical Parenting Tips

 

Learn Ways to Raise Resilient Kids Here!

To be resilient, your child needs to be confident, evaluate situations well, use his support system, and come up with good strategies. Today our parenting expert and author of the book, The Resilience Formula, Dr. Donna Volpitta, will help us with the first part, building confidence in our children.

 

Confidence and the Self:

Let's say your son's ride home from a party is drunk or your daughter is being bullied. How they think about their own abilities will determine what they do. They both need to feel, think, and look confident in their words and actions.

Will your son speak up and put his safety on the line?

Will his confidence help him find a better way home?

Will your daughter look and sound weak?

Will she look and sound confident?

Resilience shows itself in your child's self-talk, feelings, and actions. Dr. Volpitta gives us 4 parenting tips to teach our children from Tool Kits for Kids:

How Kids Can Appear Confident ~

1. Use direct eye contact when speaking and listening to people.

2. Stand up straight. (Avoid the shoulder slump.)

3. Speak loud enough to be heard and with moderate speed, not too fast or slow.

4. Keep a confident facial expression.

Parents can coach their kids by role-playing situations in front of a mirror.

Dr. Donna says, "Practicing these skills helps kids develop confidence because looking confident projects an image that shows other kids they are not easily shaken, and this increases their social capital."

Repeat Resilient Language:

When kids suffer from the loss of a friendship, a poor grade, or a scratched knee, what they tell themselves is important. Repeating reasonable statements helps them develop a wiser brain. Here are 3 ideas Dr. Donna suggests to teach children to repeat often when things don't go well:

"1. This is a difficult time. It's not difficult forever.

 2. I may feel bad now, but I may feel better later.

 3. My life may not be OK now, but in time, I can find a new way to be OK."

These accurate statements are believable. They give your child a perspective about time, that things can get better. (From pages 54-56)

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Dr. Donna Volpitta has given us practical solutions for helping our children think, feel, and act with confidence. Teaching our kids confidence is a big first step to their becoming resilient. 

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Pick up Dr. Donna Volpitta's book, The Resilience Formula: A Guide to Proactive Not Reactive Parenting and teach your children the resilience formula.

 

Available on Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Dr. Volpitta for her excellence in helping parents raise resilient children.

Dr. Donna Volpitta

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9 Ways to Boost Your Child's Inner Motivation

 

Parents Can Inspire Their

Children's Inner Motivations!

Want to boost your child's own motivation instead of relying exclusively on rewards like candy, money, and toys? Perhaps you're tired of giving her material rewards for doing the smallest things. Today our parenting expert and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Dr. Michele Borba, will share how to wean her off receiving material rewards. Dr. Borba's 9 ways will show you how to motivate her inner joy for a job well done. 

Dr. Michele states there are 4 types of rewards:

1. Material rewards can be candy, toys, and money.

2. Tokens are stars, stickers, certificates.

3. Praise is your encouraging words.

4. Internal praise is doing something because it feels good.

Many parents start out with stickers. As kids grow older money may motivate them. But what happens when they'll only do things if they're paid?  This is not what most parents want for their kids. What can they do to encourage their child's inner motivation? Let's find out solutions from Dr. Borba.

9 Parenting Tips for Moving from External to Internal Motivation

1. Involve your child in her solutions and insight by asking questions like, "What can you do to help you remember your homework?" or "What did you do to improve your Math grade?"

2. Be a cheerleader. Give smiles, hugs, high fives, clapping, and cheers.

3. Use a pebble jar. When your child completes a task add a marble to a small jar. When it's full go on an outing together like the park, a bike ride, or museum.

4. Give one-on-one time like going on errands, the library, or just snuggle on the couch together.

5. Stress internal praise by describing her success like, "You put a lot of work into that report."

6. Boost inside pride by finding out what pleased her and ask questions like, "How did you learn to balance yourself without the training wheels?"

7. Emphasize self-acknowledgment like, "You were a good sport today. Did you remember to tell yourself you did a great job?"

8. Switch from "I" to "You." Instead of saying, "I'm really proud of you," say, "You must be really proud of how hard you worked today."

9. Use accomplishment journals. Ask your child to write or draw her successes in a journal to remind herself she's her own best motivator. (From pages 89-91).

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I like Dr. Michele's methods for moving children from stickers to internal pride and satisfaction. It's so simple. Perhaps you'd like to copy the nine ideas for increasing your child's inner motivation. Use them often and material rewards less. Then watch your child grow.

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Pick up The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries and feel confident in your parenting skills.

Available at Amazon.com

Let's THANK Dr. Michele Borba for her research and work in helping parents do their very best in raising their children.

Dr. Michele Borba

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Your Child's Conscience: 7 Signs and Symptoms

 

How Strong Is Your Child's Conscience?

 Are you concerned about your child's conscience? To learn the signs and symptoms of an underdeveloped conscience, our parenting expert and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Dr. Michele Borba, is here to help. Let's listen to an excerpt from her book.

Signs and Symptoms

Assuming that your child is developmentally capable of understanding right from wrong, the following are some signs of a weak or underdeveloped conscience:

1. Won't accept blame:

Has trouble admitting mistakes or saying he's sorry when wrong; refuses to make amends or see the need to do so when he causes physical or emotional injury; tries to attribute his error to others.

2. Has trouble deciphering right from wrong:

Has difficulty identifying wrong behavior or understanding why it was wrong; needs admonitions or reminders as to how to act right; doesn't know how to turn a wrong action into a right one.

3. Is dishonest:

Lies and is frequently untrustworthy despite his understanding of honest and his developmental maturity; can't be counted on to keep his word.

4. Fails to see consequences:

Fails to recognize consequences of improper behavior, makes unwise choices without thinking through the outcome.

5. Is frequently in trouble:

Knows how to act right but continues to behave inappropriately.

6. Lacks guilt:

Lacks a feeling of shame or guilt about wrongdoing.

7. Is easily swayed:

Knows the right way to act but is easily pressured by others not to act right. (From page 193)

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Dr. Michele gives us a thorough look at right and wrong in her chapter on Character. On page 191 she shares exactly how to get the best answers from kids to help them think right about wrong. On page 195 you'll love the solution a mother shares in turning her child from a low self-opinion to one of self-respect. In fact, her solution is so practical many parents could easily use it.

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Pick up Dr. Michele Borba's excellent book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries

Available at Amazon.com

Let's HONOR Dr. Michele for expertise in helping us with her 101 solutions to our parenting challenges and worries.

Michele Borba, Ed.D.

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Eating Disorders: How This Teenage Boy Asked for Help!

 

Does Your Teenage Boy Have an Eating Disorder?

Eating Disorders can torment teenage boys as well as girls. Our parenting expert and author shares this story and solution in her excellent book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. Listen as this student pours his heart out to Annie and how she responds.

Boys Get Eating Disorders Too!

What Would You Teach Here?

I know everyone thinks only girls get eating disorders, but I'm a guy and I think I have one and I need help. I eat half of a small energy bar before school, then I don't eat lunch. Then I eat the other half of the bar and some fruit. It's gotten to the point where I'm mad at myself if I even take a bite of food.

I get a lot of hate from people calling me fat and pointing out every flaw I know I already have. My mom says, "I don't think you eat enough." I pretend I don't hear.

People at school ask if I want some of their food and I say no thank you. I know they worry about me I don't feel welcome anywhere I go.

The Dean of Students saw me and asked if I wanted to talk, but I said everything was fine. I know teachers worry about me because they watch me just sit there during lunch and not eat. I don't know what to do. I feel really stuck. - 15-year-old (From pages 71-72)

Annie's Reply to This Teen's Eating Disorder

"I tell people I'm fine but I think I have an eating disorder."

Everything is obviously not "fine." Your mom is worried about you. People at school who offer you their food are worried about you. The Dean of Students is worried about you. And since you just wrote to me for help, I'd say it's safe to deduce that you are worried about you!

Anyone can develop an eating disorder, and it definitely sounds like you are severely restricting calories (possible to avoid being teased.) Now it sounds like you have gotten into a habit of not eating. I'm guessing that when you do eat you're not enjoying the food at all. (An energy bar is not a complete, ongoing source of the nutrients your body needs.)

I'm going to add myself to the list of people who care about you and are worried about you. You say, "I don't know what to do anymore." Here's what you need to do today: Talk to your mom. Tell her the truth.

Tell her what you told me...about not eating...about feeling depressed. Tell your mom that you don't want to feel this way anymore, and you want help. Tell her that you want to talk with the Dean of Students and /or a school counselor. (From page 213)

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Most of us don't think of boys as having eating disorders. How important that this boy trusted Annie enough to tell her about his problem. If he follows her good advice, he may find a good solution.

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Pick up Annie Fox's excellent book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People  and learn the many solutions she offers all of us.

            Available at Amazon.com

Let's HONOR Annie for helping students and parents with her caring heart and outstanding advice.

    Annie Fox, M.Ed.

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The Bragging Problem: How Parents Help Kids with 6 Solutions

 

Bragging Turns Off Friends!

 If you're a parent whose child has a bragging problem, help is here. Dr. Michele Borba, an expert parenting author is sharing 6 solutions from her book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Let's find out her advice.

THE SOLUTION

Six Strategies for Change

1. Uncover the reason. Your first step to change is to discover why your kid feels the need to brag. Once you've identified the cause, you can implement solutions. The following is a list of common reasons. Check those that may apply to your child.

. "Center stage" upbringing.

. Jealuosy.

. Low social status

. Insecurity

. Emphasis on achievement and winning

. Sense of being "above others"

. Egocentricity

. Feelings of inadequacy

. Perfectionism

2. Halt the horn blowing. If you've been putting your youngster kid on center stage to parade her talents and beauty (so that everyone "oohs and aahs" over her every move), then cut it out! ...

3. Teach the rules for "civilized" bragging. Reprimanding  a young kid for bragging will only make him feel ashamed and less likely to tell you his achievements. So teach the "Private Rule": you will always be delighted to hear his proud moments, but he should tell you privately. Then explain why: "Bragging in front of friends may make them feel as if they aren't as good...

4. Point out others' reactions. Kids who brag may have used this habit so long, they're unaware that it's a real turnoff and doesn't win them any points from friends, teammates, or adults. So help your child recognize how others react to his boasting. Here are a few solutions:

. Ask: How would you feel?

. Point out nonverbal reactions.

. Role-play the other side.

5. Encourage complliments. A big part of tempering your kid's bragging and boasting is to help him recognize the accomplishments and achievement of others instead of always focusing on his own strengths, talents, and accolades.

. Teach builder-uppers...

. Look for strengths in others...

. Teach the "Two Praise Rule"...

6. Reinforce humility. Remember: true self-esteem is a quiet, inner contentment; the child doesn't feel compelled to let others know of is accomplishments and accolades. Nor does he feel the urge to compare himself to others or put the other guy down. So find ways to temper your child's boasting by acknowledging his moments of humility...

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As you can see, I couldn't include all the rich material Dr. Borba has about bragging. I hope this is enough to get you thinking about helping your child overcome this problem. Most children don't like braggarts. With your help, kids will enjoy being friends with your son or daughter.

To read more of Dr. Borba's advice about bragging, read her chapter, "Brags." You'll find it from page 71-75.

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Pick up The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries

Available at: Amazon.com

Let's APPLAUD Dr. Borba for her work on bringing practical solutions to parents. She is an abundant resource for the kind of answers parents need.

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Back Talk Problems: How Can I Get My Kids to Speak with Respect?

 

Turn Back Talk into Respectful Talk! Here's How ~

Many kids try back talk to see if you'll accept disrespect. Our parenting expert and author, Dr. Michele Borba, shares an excerpt from her book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She starts with an example from a mother who handled back talk successfully.

 

Then Dr. Michele tells us what to expect from pre-schoolers, school age children, and tweens. You'll hear her wise solutions for getting your kids to talk with respect. Let's listen to her parenting advice.

One Parent's Answer ~ A Mom from Cleveland Shares:

I figured my kid would try out a sassy tone sooner or later. I just didn't want him to know he could get away with it. So when I asked him to do his chores and he responded with a sassy remark, I called him on it. Later when he asked for a ride to go skateboarding with his friend, I told him he'd need to find another driver. I was hurt the way he'd talked to me earlier and really played it up. The look on his face was priceless? It was the last time he used back talk.

What to Expect by Stages and Ages

Preschooler:

Young children are little copiers and will try out new words and intonations for attention. If your child does use a sassy tone, your best response is to simply say, "We don't talk like that in our house." This is also the age when kids behave because "parents know best," and rules that you've set are likely to be followed.

School Age:

This is the stage of experimenting and limit testing, so expect your school-age kid to try back talk, but don't allow her to treat you disrespectfully. If you hold your ground now, your child will be far less likely to use a sassier tone as a tween or teen, which can destroy not only your relationship but also your family harmony. Also, don't overreact. Kids at this age will use you as their example for how to handle tense situations.

Tween:

These are prime years for back talk as tweens try to gain independence and want to see how you'll respond if they exert control. This is also the age when kids want to "fit in" and appear "cool," so they may copy their peers' behavior. If things start to get too heated, call a time-out and tell your tween you'll talk to her later so that you both have time to cool off.

Getting into an argument only takes the focus off the issue that should be addressed (such as the bad grade, disobeying the curfew, abusing the cell phone privilege) and gets the kid off the hook. (This excerpt is from pages 58-59.)

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Did you like how Dr. Michele started with the good advice of mother from Cleveland? She then helped us know what to expect during the 3 stages and how to handle each one. Dr. Michele is a true parenting expert.

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Pick up her book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries

 

 Available at: Amazon.com

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Let's APPLAUD Dr. Michele Borba for her sharing her Back Talk excerpt with us. Her wisdom is easy to understand and simple to use.

 

Dr. Michele Borba

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Character Building: How To Have Conversations with Kids That Promote Integrity

Parenting Succeeds When Children Learn Integrity!

If building character in your kids and promoting integrity are importing parenting skills to you, keep reading. Our parenting expert and author, Annie Fox, is sharing an excerpt from her brand new book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People.

 

Real World Assignment: Integrity

When kids get the message that their best isn't good enough unless they take home the gold, how can we be surprised when they break the rules to get what they want (including our approval)?

Fuel for Thought

Where did you learn your values regarding personal integrity? When a cashier or waitperson makes a mistake in your favor, how do you typically respond? Would you respond differently if your child were with you? Think about a recent time when your integrity was tested? What happened? What did you learn?

Conversations That Count

Discuss the concept of "personal integrity" (adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty). To make the concept real, share examples with each other of when you stuck with your principles as well as instances when you let your principles slip. Discuss what you learned when you did and did not live up to your own standards. Together, explore the connection between integrity and trust and what can happen when we find out someone we trusted hasn't been trustworthy.

Teach

Check in regularly with your child about tests of his/her personal integrity at school and online. Creating a safe place to talk about ethical challenges helps kids gain confidence in processing options and doing the right thing.

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Annie Fox encourages us to really talk with our children about issues in their lives. She tells us to make our homes a safe place to share their moral dilemmas and concerns. You'll find top-notch advice in her book with real life problems and solutions. She is a nationally respected character educator with 30+ years of experience.

Pick up Annie Fox's book, Teaching Kids To Be Good People, Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century

Available at Amazon.com

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Let's give our heartfelt THANKS to Annie Fox for giving us the information we need to build character in our children.

 

       Annie Fox, M.ED.

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Parenting: The Back Talk Problem - 5 Signs, Symptoms, and Solutions

 

Is Back Talk Ruining Your Family Tone!

Is back talk a problem in your family?  Dr. Michele Borba, our parenting expert and author, is sharing an excerpt from her superb book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. In this post you'll learn 5 signs and symptoms of back talk, some solutions, and why it's so important to stop it NOW!

THE PROBLEM

Red Flags

The Change to Parent For:

Your child curbs her back talk and flippant manners and learns to voice her concerns and needs in a respectful and appropriate manner.

Question: "Our sweet daughter has suddenly become smart-mouthed. If somebody heard her speak to me with her sassy tone I'd die. What's the best way to stop back talk?"

Answer:

The best quick fix to ending back talk is simply not to allow it the very next time your child uses it. Calmly say, "Please use a polite tone. And then do not respond to what the child says until she can talk to you in a respectful tone.

You may need to leave the room, but don't back down or compromise-not just the first time, but each and every time your child uses a flippant, disrespectful tone. Your reaction must be consistent and persistent. I don't care if your child wants to tell you something important or desperately needs your help; you must make her realize that back talk is intolerable and will no longer be indulged. This approach goes for little kids and big kids, too.

Why Change?

Consider these scenarios, you politely say to your son, "Robby, remember I want you home by four," and your sweet little darling in a flippant tone retorts, "Get real." Or you calmly ask your daughter, "Can you please make your bed?" and your prized offspring retorts, "Make it yourself!" Do these responses sound at all familiar?

Back talk and sass are on the rise, and these behaviors seem to bother every adult-and rightly so. The behavior usually starts at about four years of age, but if you allow back talk to continue, negative results can spread like wildfire. Believe me: no teacher, coach, scout leader, or other child's parent appreciates a disrespectful kid.

Luckily, disrespectful behaviors such as whining, back talk, and sassiness are some of the easiest inappropriate behaviors to get rid of. In a survey quoted in Child magazine, only 12 percent of the two thousand adults polled felt that kids commonly treat others with respect; most described them as "rude," "irresponsible," and "lacking in discipline." That's all the more reason we need to nip this behavior in the bud ASAP.

Signs and Symptoms

"Back talk" is any comment delivered in a flippant, sassy, smart-alecky, and disrespectful tone. Although it is normal for any child to use back talk a few times, here are five signs that it is time for a more intense parenting plan to change this unbecoming behavior:

1. Your child does not stop using the behavior at your simple request.

2. The back talk is increasing in frequency and intensity.

3. The back talk is ruining your family tone or your relationship with your child.

4. Children or adults are complaining or are concerned about your child's rude behavior.

5. Your child is using the behavior with other adults and children outside your home. (Pages 54-55)

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To learn more of Dr. Borba's excellent solutions you'll find them on pages 55 - 59 in her simple and brilliant book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

 

Available on Amazon.com

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Let's give THANKS to Dr. Borba for outstanding work in bringing us the best parenting signs, symptoms and solutions for stopping the back talk problem.

Dr. Michelle Borba

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You might also like my family discussion e-book with puzzles, cartoon characters, and fun questions that teach your children your values. Character Building on Back Talk Street

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Available at KidsDiscuss.com

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How Family Discussions Build Character and Bond Members with Love

If you had free time, would you spend it talking with your family? If you had fun topics to discuss, would you share them with your children?

In the e-book, Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions you'll find simple solutions for finding the time you need and lots of interesting topics to discuss. Each story promotes speaking and listening skills.

The problem stories include common situations found in most families. One includes a girl named Madison. She hates homework, stomps on her math book and yells, "I hate math! I'll never use this stuff! I'm not going to do it!"

If your children hate homework too, this story gives them the opportunity to discuss Madison's problem and their own feelings about homework.

Your children will access their own wisdom and give their best advice to Madison. The 5 character building questions at the end of each story will help them.

You won't need to yell, sell, or tell your children how to think about feelings, behaviors, or attitudes. With these discussions your children will be thinking, sharing, and internalizing their own good advice. When you teach them to think for themselves, you prepare them for life.

This e-book ends with 51 discussion starters like:

1. What is you first memory?

2. How would you know if you were successful?

3. Share a difficult challenge that taught you something.

4. Talk about a time when you were brave.

5. What's one of the nicest things you've done for someone?

Children love sharing their opinions. They feel confident when their ideas are accepted. Closeness with family members grows and they learn the art of sharing their thoughts. That's the wonder of fun family discussions.

When you guide your children through discussions and  approve of their opinions, suggestions, and advice, you build their character too.

*****

Raise a loving thoughtful family the easy way. Pick up this e-book Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions.

Available on Amazon.com

Author, Jean Tracy, MSS

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With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

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