Assertive Children – How Parents Raise Great Communicators

By Jean Tracy, MSS

An assertive child avoids the extremes of aggressiveness and passivity. Aggressive kids are determined to get their way like the boy in this story:

You can’t make me clean my room!

-screamed 9 year-old Ricky

He stomped his feet and continued shouting. Finally,

Get out of our sight!

-his dad yelled back

Ricky ran out to play.

For nine years his parents modeled screaming and yelling at each other and then at him. He became an expert at getting what he wanted with the same aggressive behavior.

Some kids become fearful and timid, some pout and manipulate, and others react by dragging their feet. Rickly learned to be loud, aggressive and forceful.

Today, you’ll find a simple formula for teaching your kids to be assertive, 5 assertive role-plays, a fun family activity and an assertive poem for kids.

Parenting Suggestion

I hope you practice and model the assertive skills that follow before you teach them to your children. Why? Because your example is the most powerful way for them to learn.

The Assertive Formula

We need the shortest and simplest way to stand up for ourselves. Here is an easy formula for both children and adults to use.

When you…

I feel…

I’d like…

How to Use (When you…)

When you… describes a specific behavior that offended you. Notice how the following examples explain exact actions the person did.

When you put me down…
When you call me names…
When you kick my dog…
When you’re sarcastic…
When you yell at me…

Describing does not make a judgment like you’re selfish, mean, or pushy which easily leads to conflicts. It only talks about a specific behavior.

How to Use (I feel…)

I feel… describes feelings rather than thoughts. Expressing thoughts about why the other did something wrong could also lead to fights. Such judgments can burn bridges and make enemies.

Here are a few feelings to choose from:

Frustrated
Angry
Annoyed
Uncomfortable
Insulted
Confused
Afraid
Let Down
Upset
Sad
Used
Hurt

When you put me down, I feel …
When you call me names, I feel …
When you kick my dog, I feel …
When you’re sarcastic, I feel…
When you yell at me…

How to Use (I’d like…)

I’d like… tells the offending person what you’d like them to do. You are helping them because you are giving them a solution. Ask your child to come up with their own ideas before sharing any of the following.

When you put me down, I feel upset. I’d like…

e.g. you to encourage me instead.
When you call me names, I feel insulted. I’d like…

e.g. you to speak nicely to me.
When you kick my dog, I feel angry. I’d like…

e. g. you to pet my dog instead.
When you’re sarcastic, I feel insulted. I’d like…

e. g. you to speak with respect.
When you yell at me, I feel afraid. I’d like…

e. g. you to talk to me in a normal tone.

Being assertive may not always get what we want. But not speaking up will guarantee we won’t.

5 Assertive Role-Plays for Kids to Practice

Use the assertive formula for each role-play. It isn’t always wise to confront someone right after they offended you. Why? Because they might become defensive and want to argue. Choose the best time to speak up and be assertive. Don’t wait too long.

When you…

I feel…

I’d like…

You saw your friend ‘soap’ your teacher’s front car window. Now it’s dry and messy. Use the Assertive Formula with your friend.
During recess you asked a fellow student if you could play soccer with his team. He ignored you. Talk to him after school and use the Assertive Formula.
A friend is putting you down in front of your classmates. Talk to her later when she is by herself and use the Assertive Formula.
You asked your brother to help you lift the bird cage so you could clean under it. He sneered at you and dragged his feet before he came over and lifted it. Use the Assertive Formula later when he’s in a better mood.
You just witnessed how a younger child was fooled into trading his delicious lunch for another student’s crackers. Teach the Assertive Formula to the shy child. What would you tell him to say?

2 Assertive Family Activities

Post the formula on the fridge. Ask how they used the Assertive Formula with each other or at school that day.
Have your kids decorate a small box. Call it the ‘Assertive Box.’ Fill it with blank papers. Each family member writes down how they were assertive that week and puts it in the box. At a weekly family dinner ask the members to read and describe what they did. Discuss and praise each other’s actions.

Tip: For younger family members ask them to draw a picture of their assertiveness instead.

A Poem for Kids

The Assertive Child

-by Jean Tracy, MSS

The assertive child
Speaks with respect.
His tone is calm,
His words direct.

The assertive chil
Looks in your eyes
Her face is kind,
She tells no lies.

The assertive child
Knows how to ask.
“Can I?” “May I?”
He isn’t brash.

The assertive child
Tells when she’s sad.
“When you hurt me,
I felt so bad.”

The assertive child
Speaks up in class.
His voice is strong.
With ease he asks.

The assertive child
Is confident.
She feels secure,
She is content.

You too can be
An assertive child,
Be kind and firm.
Be strong and smile.

You can raise assertive children by practicing the formula within your family. Advise them to use it with others too. If you do, they’ll learn to speak up for themselves, get what they need, and become respectful communicators and leaders too.