Parenting Technique: Helping Girls 'Shake Off' Fear of Failure + VideoHelping Girls Let Go of Fear and Embrace Success

HAVE YOUR KIDS EXPERIENCED FAILURES, even little ones?* If so, do they cringe at taking on new challenges? Today I'll share a technique I used with clients as a child and family counselor. You can start using it today.

Typical Childhood Worries

1. Sally gossiped about her best friend, Jane, who found out. Now Sally has a hard time sleeping. She's afraid Jane won't like her anymore.
2. Mary raised her hand to answer a question. Her answer wasn't even close. The kids laughed and called her, "Dumbo." She's stopped raising her hand in class.
3. Carol plays on her little league baseball team. She overthrew 3rd base and the other team made the winning run. Her coach told her to "Shake it off" but she couldn't.

Parenting Technique: The Wings of Time

This strategy includes 5 parts:

1. Help your child get in touch with the discouraging feeling from her latest mistake.
2. Ask her to describe her feelings.
3. Tell her to close her eyes and take that same feeling back on the 'wings of time' when she experienced it in the past.
4. Discuss each event she remembers. Let her know that her feelings of failure have made a connection in her brain that she needs to change.
5. Ask her if she'd like you to help her 'shake them off,' feel better, and move forward.

Parenting Insights:

The more your youngster connects similar thoughts and feelings together, the stronger they get like, "I'm so dumb. My best friend hates me. I never do anything right." These thoughts create painful feelings that hold kids back from trying. Your goal as the parent is to help your child change the connections in her brain about failure.

Girls have a more difficult time shaking off failures because they think they have to be perfect. They churn worried feelings and thoughts over and over. This prevents them from taking risks like apologizing, raising their hand in class after giving a wrong answer, or shaking off errors and getting back in the game. So what's the next step for 'shaking off' failures?

Shake It Off

1. Ask your child to stand and physically shake off the bad thoughts and feelings. A small shake of the head may work. If she feels embarrassed, do it with her. It's okay to laugh together.
2. Advise her to physically 'shake off' future failures as soon as she realizes she's over-thinking and worrying. This can help her get rid of automatic hurtful thoughts and feelings. It will free her to take smart risks, learn new things, and feel enthusiastic about trying.

Motivational Mottoes

From my fifth grade teacher, I remember learning the motto, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again," I've relied on it to motivate me when I was afraid of trying.

I suggest you and your child use it, come up with your own motto, or consider one of the following:

1. Hear my cry, "Shake and try!"
2. When I fail, I'll tell my brain, "Shake it off and try again."
3. Losers cry; winners try.