How to Free Your Child from Drowning in Self-Pity

Self-pity thoughts are like little monsters that sneak into our brains and bring us down. If your child indulges in such thoughts, you can help her change. Today, you'll find a story, 5 signs of self-pity, two activities, and a self-pity poem, "Self-Pity Isn't Pretty."

The Problem Story:

Eight-year-old Sandra's best friend moved away. While walking home alone, Sandra asks aloud, "Why did Linda move away? Will she ever come back? I'll never see her again."

The monster trolls are creeping into her thoughts.

"She'll forget about me. I don't have anyone to play with. I'm all alone." Tears roll down Sandy's face.

Sandra's story demonstrates the self-pity process. First, our minds latch onto a painful event. Then we allow the "poor me" thoughts to flow. Self-pity takes us deep inside, weakens our spirit, and attacks our resilience. It holds us captive. We might even cry.

It may be hard for you to believe, but there is a self-soothing pleasure in feeling sorry for ourselves. It comforts us.

"Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." – Maya Angelou

"But doesn't Sandra have a right to her thoughts and feelings?" you ask. After all, her friend moved away. Certainly! You'll find out how to help her in a moment. But first, what are some signals that your child's negative thinking is causing pain?

Your Child May Be Wallowing in Self-Pity If She:

1. Acts grumpy.
2. Appears sad.
3. Whines.

How to Help Your Child

1. Privately say, "I sense something is wrong, Sandra. You look sad and hardly talk. Tell me what's going on.
2. When she tells you, say "I can see why you feel that way and I'm sorry it's happening. Is there anything else you want to tell me?" Your empathy helps her talk.
3. If your child has more to say, don't interrupt. Listen well and let her know you care about her feelings. Ask, "Would you like some help to feel better?" If she's not ready to change her thoughts or create solutions, end by giving her a hug.

When Do You Talk about Self-Pity?

At another time and as a lead in, tell her about an incident in which self-pity hurt you. Then, if it feels right, talk about your earlier discussion with her when you sensed her self-pity. Discuss how recycling miserable thoughts can feel good at the time but how it can hurt you in the long run. Find out what she thinks. Then share these activities:

The Daydream Activity

1. Tell her, "When you're daydreaming and feeling sad, become aware of self-pity."
2. Physically shake your head "No!" to the daydream.
3. Yell, "STOP" to the thoughts.
4. Come back the present. Notice your body and the things around you.
5. Reconnect with what's happening now and focus on something good.

Second Activity – Memorize, Draw, and Post

Read and consider memorizing this poem together. Ask her to draw it and post her drawing in her room as a reminder.

Self-Pity Isn't Pretty

A Poem For Kids

-By Jean Tracy, MSS

Self-Pity Isn't Pretty

Just because it feels snugly
Doesn't mean it isn't ugly.
It's a monster that controls
Like 10,000 nasty trolls.
If it sneaks into my brain,
I'll yell, "STOP! You're such a pain!"
I detest each "poor me" ditty.
Cuz self-pity isn't pretty!
Some self-pity is okay,
But please don't let it stay.
You CAN make it go away.
POOF!
Choose to rise above self-pity,
With a CAN DO mind that's pretty.

Conclusion for Freeing Your Child from the Self-Pity Monsters