Tired moms come home to sprawling clutter, kids playing videos, and dinner to fix. No wonder they explode.
Mom: “Who left their dirty dishes in the sink?”
Kids don’t answer. They keep playing video games.
Mom: “You kids are so lazy! You expect me to do everything.”
Kids pout and sigh. But they keep playing.
Mom: “You turn that thing off and get out here.”
The kids turn off their games and slowly drag their feet.
They’ve heard it all before.
Every day after school kids drop their coats, books and boots on the floor, eat snacks, leave a mess, and relax with video games. When Mom comes home, the shouting begins.
4 Careless Behaviors That Trigger Moms' Anger:
Messy kids' bedrooms
Dirty dishes in sink
Loud video games
Exhausted Moms and Guilt
“This isn’t the picture I dreamed when I thought about having kids. I hate shouting at my kids. Now they're angry at me.”
This was my dream of raising kids
What to Do?
Don’t start cleaning up. It will just make you more upset.
Take care of yourself first. Calm down by taking a nap, a bubble bath, eating a snack, or doing something you enjoy.
Be thinking about ways to handle the situation without anger.
Plan a family meeting to discuss the problem.
What to Include in the Family Meeting:
Schedule it when everyone has calmed down - very important.
Avoid making it a complaint session.
Start with compliments for all.
Bring up the problem. Ask members, “How can we solve it?”
Write down solutions from each member.
Group picks the best solutions.
Each member makes a specific commitment to solve the problem.
Post the commitments on the fridge.
End with more compliments for each member and a dessert.
Make family meetings a regular event both to solve problems and to plan fun times together.
Conclusion for Tired Moms with Careless Kids:
Overworked moms and dads get upset with careless children. Yelling, lecturing, and put-downs follow. But they don’t motivate kids to help.
Family meetings, if they don’t become gripe sessions, can become positive events that solve problems. They teach kids listening and speaking skills. They train kids to work together within the family. Family meetings teach priceless life skills that build character too.
Timid kids feel pain. Parents watch and suffer. Loneliness wins.
Imagine your child sitting alone in the lunchroom thinking,
“No one will sit with me. Nobody likes me.”
What does she feel? Does she rush to the bathroom and hide until classes start again?
Bashful kids don’t have to be friendless. You can help. There is a 3-part blueprint that works.
Go slow. Keep the steps small. Why? Because shy kids are overwhelmed by fearful thoughts and feelings. Big leaps don’t work.
3 Don’ts for Overcoming Shyness
Don’t speak up for your children because they’ll lose the chance to speak up for themselves.
Don’t make excuses for your children because they’ll rely on those excuses and not try.
Don’t put your children down for being shy because your comments will add to their misery.
3 Do’s for Helping Shy Kids Make Friends
Do ask if they’d like to make friends because you want to know if they’ll cooperate.
Do ask, “What stops you from making friends?" because the answer is important and will help you guide them with the blueprint.
Do tell them that making friends is a skill they can learn because it will give them the hope they need.
A Few Friends Can Make a Big Difference.
Shy kids need your patience because impatience shuts them down. Remember, even tiny steps require taking risks. Your children may never become an outgoing extrovert or big talker. But, with your help, they can overcome loneliness and satisfy their need for a few close friends.
Pick up the Blueprint by inserting the code, SPEAK UP at:
The entitled child believes everything should go his way. He acts like he’s the king of the universe. Justin was such a boy.
Whenever Justin’s younger brother, Seth, wouldn’t play Justin’s video games with him, he’d punch Seth and yell, “I hate you!” When his mom scolded Justin, he’d sass back, “You always take Seth’s side,” then slam his bedroom door.
If Justin was your son, would you want to hit him? Would you yell, “I’m sick and tired of your angry behavior!” and preach the same old lecture?
Consider having a conversation with Justin when both of you are calm.
Teaching the Entitled Child How to Be Realistic
Use yourself as an example. It might go something like this:
Mom: Remember when I arranged a birthday party for Grandpa?
Mom: I was frustrated because only three of our family members came. I really felt mad inside. I wanted to tell those who didn’t come what I thought of them.
Justin: Did you?
Mom: No, because I remembered something Grandpa taught me as a child. He’d say, “Sally, you’re not the Queen of the Universe. Things don’t have to go your way.”
Justin: How did that help you?
Mom: Can you guess?
Mom: Because if I was the queen, I could make everybody do what I want.
Justin: But you’re not the queen so you couldn't force everyone to come to Grandpa's party.
Mom: That’s right. How might that thought help you?
Justin: I’m not the King of the Universe so things don't have to go my way either.
Mom: Right. What about Seth not playing your video games?
Mom: How can we remind ourselves that we’re not the king or queen of the universe?
Justin: Let’s make 2 signs that say, “I’m Not the King,” and “I’m Not the Queen” and post them on the fridge.
Mom: And every time we stop ourselves from losing our tempers let’s make a tally mark on our signs.
Conclusion for Helping Entitled Kids Become Reasonable
Entitled kids need to know that life isn’t fair, doesn’t cater to what they want, and can be disappointing at times. You can teach them with reasonable self-talk how to be more rational about life. None of us is the king or queen of the universe. Things often don't go our way. Sometimes we need to be patient and accept that fact. And sometimes it becomes a challenge to creatively overcome the problem.
As the parent, you are the best one to teach him this lesson by being reasonable yourself and having good discussions with him. Start with a true story about when you were angry and irrational. He won't feel like you're pointing a finger at him and he'll like spending private time with you.
Do your kids bicker? Is it grating on your nerves? Some quarreling is normal. But if your kids continually fight, it’s a telling sign to “Detour! Danger Ahead!”
My brother and I fought so much that years later my mother told me, “I thought you were going to kill each other.” A slight exaggeration but we did yell, wrestle, and throw some punches. Underneath it all, I really did love him and if anyone criticized him, I ached inside.
When we fought our mother would yell, “Stop!” She’d complain. She’d even lecture. But she had been an only child and never experienced sibling rivalry. She didn’t have a clue how to help us be civil and neither did we.
How Do I Teach My Kids Assertive Skills?
Assertive role-playing can be taught using “Instant Replay.” This parenting technique is assertive because kids must come up with their own answers and then act them out. It uses Time Out.
I remember being sent to bed after many a fight. It often lasted the whole afternoon, but it didn’t work. I just took long naps.
With Instant Replay you separate your kids and send them to different boring places within your home. They come back to you after each child brainstorms 3 good ways they could have handled their disagreement without fighting. Then you tell them, “Act out the best one. When done, they shake hands and are free to go off to play.
I like this strategy because you’re no longer the judge and jury. You don’t choose who’s right and who’s wrong. You don’t even come up with solutions. Your children solve their own problems.
The Assertive Formula
The Assertive Formula Works
This formula includes 5 parts:
The Assertive Voice
The Assertive Face
The Assertive Posture
The Assertive Words
The Assertive Role-Play
The video below shows parents and children several simple suggestions to practice within each part.
Before teaching this formula, I suggest practicing it with your partner first. Why? Because your example is the most powerful way for kids to learn.
Broad-Minded Parents Help Kids Think Outside the Box.
It’s easier to unlock kid’s brains when parents are open to new ideas.
Today, we’ll look at 3 traps for close-minded parents and 3 advantages for being an open parent. We’ll also share 2 examples from your children’s lives that you can use immediately. They'll help your kids open their minds. At the end you'll find a new SlideShare with 7 open-minded discussion questions. I hope you'll use them with your children.
Narrow-Minded Parents Fall into 3 Traps When They:
Stop listening they end up turning their kids off.
Judge their children harshly when they don't agree.
Demand their kids think the same way they do.
When kids aren’t heard, feel judged, and experience mind control, they can:
Feel resentment toward parents.
Plug their ears.
Keep their real thoughts to themselves.
3 Advantages of Open-Minded Parents
They listen well which gives their children the attention and respect they want.
They receive respect from kids who may open their ears in return.
They find out what their kids really think and can better guide them.
How to Solve 2 Childhood Problems with Open Minds
Many Kids Engage in Bedtime Battles.
When parents are open to hearing their youngsters ideas, kids can look at bedtime decisions with fresh eyes.
Ask: “Should kids have the same bedtime on weekends as school nights?”
Let them share all their opinions, even if you don’t like them. Just listen.
Ask them to list all the reasons for the opposite side. Just listen.
Tell them to blend the best of both sides so both of you can accept them.
Now it’s your turn to share your opinions and the opposite side. Then blend the best of both.
Search for a compromise with your child. Take all the time you need.
Suggest you both try the new solution for a couple of weeks.
Signs that you both still need to compromise may be:
Your student doesn’t get up on time.
Your child yawns from tiredness at school and home.
Your child is cranky during the day because he’s tired.
Remember, when children get to participate in the rules, they are more likely to follow them.
Does Your Child Like Responsibilities?
Responsibilities restrict freedom. Yet to have a freedom, there is a matching responsibility. Here are some to consider:
Freedom to watch TV or play video games could mean completing homework first.
Freedom to eat a snack could mean cleaning the mess afterward.
Freedom to own a dog means feeding her and taking her for walks.
Discuss with your youngster more freedoms with related responsibilities.
Ask: “Is it important for kids to have responsibilities?”
Listen well as your child shares both pro and con ideas.
Ask questions that help your child think more deeply.
Give your ideas when your student is finished.
Ask, “Is there is a household responsibility you’d like to discuss?” If so, use the 2-sided method we used with the bedtime discussion.
Insist on respect throughtout.
Summary – How Parents Open Closed Minds
The advantages of being an open-minded parent are mutual listening, great discussions and acceptable solutions. Helping your kids see more than their point of view teaches them to become problem solvers and wise compromisers who think outside the box. Their brains won’t be chained to stubborn thinking either.
Open-Minded Discussions Promote Broad-Minded
Enjoy this SlideShare with additional questions for teaching open-mindedness with delightful discussions. The transcript is included. Feel free to copy it.
Narrow-minded kids might say, "It wasn't my fault."
Narrow-Minded Children Need Open-Minded Parents. Many kids naturally act to gain pleasure and avoid pain (punishment). Open-minded parents can model both calmness and reason. By doing so, they can help their children see both sides of a bigger picture.
In today’s post, we are sharing 3 dinner discussions. They don’t tell your children what to think. That’s not their purpose. The goal is to help your child slow down, think reasonably and see a side other than their own.
Use the dinner discussions to find out what your children really think. Don’t force your ideas. Listen well. Your mission is to open their minds by asking them to give advice to 3 narrow-minded kids.
“It Wasn’t My Fault”
12 year-old Josh had been told many times to pick up his things. Yesterday, his 5 year-old brother Tommy, while running down the hall to the bathroom, tripped on Josh’s bookbag. He sprained his wrist in the fall. Josh blurted out, “It wasn’t my fault.”
Did Josh have any responsibility for Tommy’s sprained wrist? Why?
How could Josh blame Tommy for spraining his own wrist?
By blaming Tommy, what could Josh avoid?
What advice would you give Josh?
If Josh followed your advice how might he have reacted differently?
Narrow-Minded Kids Might Say, "I Forgot."
Whenever 11 year-old Sheila’s mom asked her, “Do you need help with your math homework?” Sheila would answer, “No, it was easy. I did it in school.” Then she’d run out to play.
Sheila received a poor grade in math because she rarely handed-in her homework. When her mother saw the report, she said, “You’re supposed to ask for help when you need it. Why didn’t you?” Sheila said, “I forgot.”
Do you think Sheila was open to getting help? Why?
Did anything stop Sheila’s from doing her homework? If so, what?
If you were Sheila’s mom, would you accept, “I forgot,” for an answer? Why?
What advice would you give Sheila? Why?
If Sheila opened her mind and listened to you, what might she do?
Narrow-Minded Kids Might Tell a Parent,
"You're So Mean!"
“You’re So Mean.”
13 year-old Jerry begged his dad for an expensive new bike. His father asked, “Are you willing to work for it?”
“Do I have to?”, asked Jerry.
“If you really want a bike, you’ll need to keep your room clean, do your chores without complaining, and cut the grass every week this summer. Are you willing to do that?”
Jerry stared at his dad and yelled, “You’re so mean!”
Why did Jerry yell that his dad was mean?
What do you think stopped Jerry from working for a new bike?
If you were Jerry’s Dad, would you give him a bike without expecting anything in return? Why?
How open-minded do you think Jerry was about taking responsible?
Is manipulating others with insults a good strategy? Why?
If you gave Jerry advice, what would you suggest?
Getting children to think reasonably helps them see the bigger picture. Open-minded thinking can slow down their pleasure seeking and speed up accepting responsibility. They might even think before they act.
Becoming reasonable and open-minded won’t happen overnight. Using dinner discussions can start the process.